that mourning

A body of a fucking model

Its been exactly 356 days since you kissed me goodbye.
Not exactly kissed, but I'd like to call it so.
I know I shouldn't, but till today I'm still waiting for you to come back.
You hurt so deep, but I like the way it hurts. It feels so. damn. good.
The day you left you told me you found someone else, you never told me who that person was.
You said that he was the reason you broke up with me.
He?
I wasn't surprised but I was at the same time.
The road we've driven through our journey has had fucked up blockages in it. And you know what the funny thing is? you made those blockages.
Well fuck... I'm doing it again can you believe it?
You know, since you left me I've been trying to make up the worst things about you and make it feel so real that I'd hate you.
Make up? I'm not so sure if it's making up actually. Most of it you've actually done to me in real life.
I guess I'm just trying to hold on to the memories you gave me.
Does that make any sense? It doesn't really in my head. Lately nothing makes sense anymore.
One thing I am sure about is that I do hate you. I hate you so bad but I love the way it feels.
I'm addicted, that's what I figured last week.
Addicted to every part of you.
God I hate actually saying that out loud. I probably do because I am ashamed of it.
Addicted to you. It sounds so very sad.

My body is sore of today. My brain feels like it will give up on me any second now.
you know why? because I did absolutely nothing.
I woke up at 6 in the morning, I skipped breafast only to eat cereal at 3am. After cereal I went back to bed. Then around 6 I got up again to eat dinner.
Dinner was a sandwich with cheese, egg and bacon. And after dinner ofcourse I went back to bed again.
To just lay under the covers thinking about you.
Thinking about you is what made my body sore and made my brain feel like it will give up on me.
The body part I'll just leave right there. The brain part on the other hand..
I guess it just speaks for itself, but I've been thinking about you once again for a whole lifeless day. It's all I do nowadays.
But today was different.
I thought I saw you. This morning when i woke up. Around 6:30 I looked out of my window down to the busy street.
I live about 3 floors above the ground in an apartments building right in the middle of New York city. I moved here last summer.
While I followed every car with mad crazy people trying to get to work honking at one another in it, my eyes stopped when I saw long wavy brown
locks of hair floating in the wind.
A body of a fucking model.
I could see exactly every curve and feature of her body pushing through a black partly see-through thigh hight dress.
Underneath the dress she was wearing a body suit. One of those tight glued to the body types.
Exactly the same you always wore at nights you wanted me to come over.
I've asked my self through out the day: was it actually you?
I don't know. Ofcourse somewhere in my body something tells me it was, but I'm just not sure if I think that because I want to or if I just really feel so.
However.. I used up all of the cereal today so I'm thinking about going to the shops tomorrow to get some new. Yeah.. that's bullshit I'm just looking
for an excuse to go outside tomorrow.
Do you think I'll see you? My toxic brain won't stop thinking about that question. And I guess tomorrow will be here in six hours for me to find out.
I sound so stupid I know that, but I can't stop but think you made me so.