Walls {Shelby and Toni}

Swallow it!

- Shelby -

Confession?

I've never been very good at the whole..."gaydar" thing. (Am I even using that term correctly?) I blame it on the environment I grew up in. Conservative, small-town Texas unsurprisingly doesn't offer many opportunities for practicing the skill. There was one boy in particular, a boy my own father took to coaching and offering advice to, that struggled in that way and I didn't even realize until it was laid out in front of me.

So it's no surprise, really, that I didn't realize about Toni. Throughout those first few weeks, through the bickering and glaring and threatening, I had no idea. Completely no idea. I can't say my reaction upon finally coming to my senses was all too rational...

"Just trying to stay on brand, you know?" She had said, mouthing the oyster in such an unmistakably insinuating way that even a prude as oblivious as me couldn't escape its meaning.

I reddened and turned away.

The girls' laughs and cheers of encouragement grated on my ears. The moment seemed to last an eternity. I couldn't help but glance over a few times to Toni, to witness the confident performance of her tongue and how she seemed to know exactly what she was doing even with her eyes closed. The feelings forming a rock at the pit of my stomach were far more terrifying than hatred.

But I had to dissolve them somehow...

"Would you stop?"

The anxiety over the awkwardness I had caused replaced the feelings in a heartbeat. I pressed on, needing more.

Dot gave me an opening, "Okay...That was hilarious and Shelby has no chill."

"Excuse me, I have chill," My voice was hard, "I guess I just...don't see the humor in that sort of thing."

Toni's was harder, "What do you mean that sort of thing?"

"You know," I said, fumbling, "Pornographic gestures. I'm a christian, alright, from a very christian home, so I'm allowed to be a little skeeved out." I'm not sure who I was trying to convince.

When I looked back up at her, the look on her face was one I didn't even know I had the power to cause: hurt. The guilt I felt was more powerful than anything and God, did I hold onto it.

"Get the cross out of your ass," Fatin said lightly, "It's fun to be filthy."

"I mean, that's not all that's going on here." Toni said.

My heart beat faster; she was going to call me out. Good.

"Don't bullshit me Shelby, 'cause the vibe that's coming off you right now, I've felt it too many times not to know what it is."

Martha, sweet Martha, "What are you saying Toni?"

Straight to the point, "She can't stand that I'm gay, Marty, that's what fucking skeeves her out."

"That's not true," Martha said, looking to me. Everyone looked to me.

I wanted to look at Toni, but I stared into my lap instead. I knew that getting her to hate me was the only way I could ever bear to look at her again with the knowledge I wouldn't do anything stupid. I prepared myself.

"Look, I'll be as honest as possible because y'all deserve that," My eyes met hers despite the knot of guilt in my stomach. She deserved that too, "I do believe that way of life is a sin."

She shot up, "I can't fucking believe this-"

"I'm sorry," I said, willing her to believe just how true it was, "But everything I've ever known has taught me that. There is no hate in my heart, I just feel sorry-"

"Fuck you!"

A slap to the face wouldn't have hurt so much. (But the words stung so good.)

***

I'm no stranger to guilt. Guilt is the glue holding my house, my town, and my family together. There's nothing the church does so well as guilt people into loving each other.

But this, with Toni, was something else all together. The only time I had been brought into this realm of remorse was when Becca... when I found out about what happened with Becca.

The fighting with Toni before had been something of a game. A series of challenges in attempts to prove ourselves or find out something about each other or... I don't know. But now? Now she wouldn't even look at me. I would have given anything for a glare in my direction.

What scared me more was that, since my guilt capacity seemed to be full to bursting, the excess was taking form as a reckless, angry desperation pulling me in wild directions.

The moment with the pill was a manifestation of that, I suppose. A rash and aching attempt to save her like I couldn't save Becca.

"If I put this in your hand, can you take it?"

Leah held her limp head forward so it faced me, her expression stubborn and cold even in the face of death.

"I'm not gonna take shit from you."

"It'll save your life Toni," I cried, "You're taking the damn pill."

The other girls, crowding in that anxious, accusatory circle, were no help at all.

"Fuck it Shelby, just give it to me, I'll fucking do it." Dot snapped.

"Shelby give her the pill," Leah said, "Give her the fucking pill!"

Their combined voices, frantic and wild, pushed me over the edge.

"Jesus fucking Christ am I not allowed to help her?"

She hit the ground too hard, my pinch on her nose was too strong and I was leaning far, far too close to her face, but the wild-thing inside had taken control.

When she gasped for air, I pressed the pill past her lips with shaking fingers, clamping one hand over her mouth and gripping the other on the back of her head.

Her expression was one of anguish and pain, but I couldn't stop myself. Everything was in hyper-focus. Her hot breath against my palm, the sandy softness of her hair in my fist, the feeling of her hip bones digging into my inner thighs where I straddled her. I needed it to stop. Right now, right now, right-

"Swallow the fucking pill," I seethed into her ear.

Contrary to what the girls saw and believed, it wasn't her final cough of defeat that made me rise to my knees, shake out the sand and walk away. A moment before that, Toni let out a soft groan against my hand, her eyes clenched tight from the strain on her lungs. The vibration of the sound hit the center of my palm and sent a shiver through my chest, awakening an urge in me that I thought I had buried deep enough to never feel again.

That's what made me stand: not a life successfully saved, but the fear of losing mine to unruly instincts. My walking away was powered by shame, not satisfaction.

Only shame.

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Hello, thanks for reading! I've just got the two chapters up now but more will be coming very soon. Tell me what you think of these ones or what you want for your favorite scenes and I'll see what I can do :)