New Romantics

08

After the kiss, Vin and I don't speak. I've had a whole week to process it, but it still isn't making sense in my brain.

I don't see him at the beach, or at the marine park, and he doesn't call round to my house. I told Stella and Charlotte about what happened, to which I was met with excited squeals and marriage plans, but when I revealed that he had practically vanished into thin air, the excitement was definitely dialled down.

It occurs to me that my life recently has been kind of sucking. I haven't hung out at the café with Matt since the incident, part of me feels guilty for kissing Vin and ditching Matt, because he's so kind. He makes my heart melt, but Vin makes it flip and twist. Speaking of, I think there's someone making Charlotte's heart flip like mine, because she is constantly texting when she's with us, and her face lights up every time she gets a message. I find myself glancing at my own phone that remains stone cold silent.

Recently, my life has been eat-work-sleep repeat. My friends' reminders that I spend all of my time working or laying around in the sun don't exactly help matters - in fact, it makes me feel rather depressed. Summer is supposed to be my prime time, it always has been since I was a kid, it's like my life only begins to get bright during the break, and it's all changing. Is this a sign that I'm growing up? That summer's won't always be exciting and carefree?

I like my job, and I like to lounge in the sun, but it's making me feel a little bit miserable lately. I don't even get that festive, fluttering feeling in my chest when Christmas begins to approach faster - because my parents aren't here, and my friends are busy, and I'm reeling between two guys whom I barely even know.

It hits me that lately they've been the only highlights of my life - Vin and Matt. When I think back over the past few weeks, I think of Vin helping out at work and kissing me half to death in the dolphin pool. I think of Matt sitting on the wooden stairs at the party, laughing and sipping a coke. Lately, my feelings have been extorted by them, and somehow I find - found - it all exhilarating.

I find my eyes constantly dragging to my phone...thinking...I could text him...but no. No, I can't. There's this whisper in my head, pushing and pushing at me, but every time I click on his number, it withers out.

I sigh, taking another spoonful of natural yoghurt, sprawled out on the couch in a pair of shorts and a sports bra. My hair is wet from my shower, and my body is being heated up by the sun infiltrating through the screen doors.

I wonder what the kiss thing means, with Vin. Of course, him kissing me in the pool that time was unexpected and crazy, but it was really good. I close my eyes, and I can feel his hands, and the water around us, hugging and clinging to my body as I forget how to function. No kiss has ever made me feel like that, not even with Will. Vin, kissing into my mouth, thumb running along my neck, hands warm.

I open my eyes, and reality sinks in. I don't know what it meant. Was it mutual affinity? Was there something there? Or was it in the heat of the moment? I don't know how much Vin was thinking about the kiss, but I knew that it mattered to me, even if he didn't mean anything by it.

I end up doing nothing all day. I fall asleep on the couch, and when I wake up, there's a damp coldness at the back of my head and my neck aches. I don't look at my phone, but nobody texts me anyway. I sleep some more, and make pasta at 6pm, eating it alone at the table in silence. I think about how I should probably put the Christmas tree up, but take no action on the thought.

I go to bed early, my stomach is twisting, it's a deep, anxious feeling within me that I want nothing more than to dispel. I'm full of unease, my chest feels heavy. Going to bed at 8pm feels like a way of escaping my feelings, so I lock up the house and crawl into bed at the same time my elderly neighbour probably does. I flick the lamp on beside me and pull the covers over me to stop myself shivering - I wonder if I'm getting sick, developing a fever or something. Then, music starts from down the street, and I drag the covers over my head, squeezing my eyes shut.