mala fide (lams)

sedo

sedate

SO JOHN AND ALEXANDER DIDN'T TALK.

Von Steuben asked John what was on his mind. For the first time, John offered up exactly what was on his mind with few scruples. "I don't know what to do!"

His coach watched his weight-lifting falter, arms going slack. "That is a start."

"I know it's wrong, I know it. It makes sense, right? And I know you said not to hate myself for it but even if I can admit how much I want it and how right it is, the guilt, the shame, it's... it's impossible. How could I ever be happy one way or the other? If I repress it, I'm denying myself the chance for a real connection. I'm never getting that with a girl. I don't think it's possible. It's gotten to the point where I physically reel in disgust, like I'm so repulsed by the idea of women, I don't even like to picture myself in a relationship with one. On the other hand, if I allow myself to... be... in a relationship with... it would be blatant sin, and I'd probably have nightmares trying to get on with a life like that, and even if, when I picture myself with a guy, and even when it feels... good, and correct, I just know that I'll feel ashamed of it. I've tried to be okay with it. And I understand it better now. And as much as I talk about it being sinful, I don't even believe that anymore, you know? But here I am, unable to act on it, because it disgusts me. I love it and I want it but it makes me hate myself. Why do I hate myself so much?"

It took von Steuben a moment to soak this in. "All right. May I offer some advice?"

"Please!" spat John, a wild look in his wet eyes.

"No decision you make from here on out is going to be easy. What's difficult is overcoming the self-hatred and shame, but someday, you will feel happy. I promise that. If you repress this for the rest if your life, I can promise you will not. John, my son, you are burdened with quite a lot of trauma. I am assuming there is somebody in your life right now who has made you so frantic?" He watched John nod. "You are free to decide what's best for you and this boy. If you seek a relationship to heal this trauma, you may end up hurting yourself more, or him in the process. He is not able to fix this any more than you. That said... if he makes you feel embraced, and safe, it could be a great benefit to you. Does he know?"

"Know what, sir?" John wiped a tear which threatened to spill from one eye.

"About how you feel."

"He... suspects I'm interested. And he's told me he's interested in me. The other stuff, he doesn't know, but he... I think he understands this is difficult for me. He knows I'm not... that I... 'repulsed' is the word he used, and he was right. I'm repulsed by myself, not by him or anyone else, but I feel that way, even when I'm on stage acting like Joe Pitt. And Joe starts out repulsed, too. I don't know how he managed, especially in those days. And there are people dying all around him. They told us in camp that the AIDS epidemic was a purposeful act of spite from God. That... that people like... us got what they deserved. But Joe's watching somebody die who hated gay people, and Louis is losing his partner, and Belize tends to dying people the whole show, and it's... what's repulsive to me is saying that those people deserved to die."

Von Steuben's face was set, as per usual. He said, "You are right. It is repulsive. I know many who died that way. That's why I am so glad to see our story realized on stage, even here at this high school, condensed into three hours. It reminds me of a few years back when they did The Laramie Project, and dear boy, I wept in that theater."