Life was just life, I had no freedom, my Male cousins weren't allowed to come visit. The other day sadeeq came and met me with my cousin in the living room his reaction was cold he just went inside without even exchanging greetings with him after he left sadeeq confronted me and said I was showing my body off to a stranger. I told him he was my cousin and I was covering my hair with a veil. The next thing I heard was a head to head encounter, my forehead hurt so bad and he said that would teach me a lesson next time I thought of talking back
I was tired, I was suffocating, I was wasting away I had become nothing more than a lifeless being I didn't live anymore .I just survived I went to bed everyday fear, anxiety and pain were my pillow they were my bedsheets they engulfed me as I laid in bed all night. I woke up the next day the same feelings I laid with followed me to the shower ,they were in the perfume I sprayed ,the shoe I wore and the road I walked . I wanted to talk to someone, to scream and cry i have been keeping it inside,it was killing me why couldn't Sadeeq see the pain he was causing me,everyone asked me how i was I just say I am fine, I wish someone could ask me are you happy?did you find love in your home?does he treat you well? I think they knew, how could they not ?my eyes didn't lie. They Carried sorrow in them one look at me and they would give me away. I couldn't pretend, it was crystal clear they just didn't want to feel guilty that they knew and couldn't do anything about it. I never knew it was possible to survive after your heart had been ripped out of your chest?
I gave birth to a beautiful baby boy after experiencing a lot of body changes, pain and morning sickness. I wasn't new to it after all
I wasn't as happy as I was with the first pregnancy, maybe it was fear. The fear of loving something and watching life snatch it from you. Maybe I didn't want to let happiness in because I knew it would leave me at the doorstep as it has never failed to .
The day finally arrived. it was worth every single tear and scream in the labor room .If all was lost then I found more. My child so beautiful like the morning sun and so fragile like glass I would love him with all my heart.
I didn't care about sadiq, all I cared about was my child, the nerve of sadeeq to name my child, he didn't even buy a single diaper for this child and he thinks he has the right to name it ,it is indeed a man's world.
My baby's name was umar ,I tried my best to be a good mother to provide with everything necessary for my kid . I had to go back to work as soon as I could .whenever I was going to work, I dropped him at mum's place and ishaq never had a younger sibling so he always took care of my umar for me.
umar was only a year old when I got pregnant for the second time .I wanted to go for family planning but sadeeq wouldn't let me hear the end of it. He wasn't providing for us. I had too much going on already, things were harder and different I was now a mother . The stress was weighing me down we weren't even stable enough for a second child. Some might say I was always saying bad about sadeeq but he was cruel and a man that carried too much anger for this world. I was in pain I was about to go into labour I kept begging sadiq to take me to the hospital but he said I was only pretending. It took him over an hour to get up and take me to the hospital. He didn't even think of the consequences of that negligence. what if I lost my child again or something terrible happened to me but alhamdullilah I gave birth to my second child and he was healthy and strong. . I promised myself after the second child I would get a contraceptive implant. A month later I went back to the hospital for my implant at least until sadeeq is more settled and we are ready to have a bigger family.
Life continued like this for a year and so .my first child was 2years old and my second (sahaar)was a year old ,If there was any good thing sadeeq ever did in his life ,it was making sure my kids never knew how messed up our life was ,to them he was the perfect father. They were too young to understand and I wanted their innocence to be untarnished .
He graduated his school and decided he would go to Abuja for his service and I was to send him money for transport and food and everything he needed. He left me with the kids at home, the 33 thousand he received every month was no concern of mine he said . He would spend them all on God knows what and keep demanding more from me. I know 33 thousand isn't much but at least even when he was coming back from Abuja every month he could buy a thing or two for the kids since he was also recieving extra money from the office he was serving at. After complaining alot he told me he was saving all that money for me and the kids and I left the matter at that.
Sadeeq was away in Abuja almost 7 months of his serving and I found myself in a hopeless situation. Due to bad weather ,the roof of our house got damaged and water was filling the house, our belongings were literally floating on water .The landlord ordered an immediate evacuation and just like that no home . I asked for some weeks before I could find another place for us and he told me it was my choice to continue staying in a house filled with water or find a new place. I called sadeeq I told him of our situation and he said he would see what he could do. A day went by and after a week ,I realized I couldn't sit on water with my kids forever . The landlord's notice was expiring soon . I spoke to dad and he gave me the key to the most recent building of his. It was a one storey building and he gave me the one at the top .I called sadeeq and told him we would be leaving our old apartment he didn't even ask how I solved the issue or anything all he said was okay that's a relief.
I know people always say it's hard to leave your home because it is filled with memories and leaving that house behind is like leaving all your memories on the wall. I hope ,I desperately hope I leave all the memories I have of this house behind, there is nothing nostalgic about this place to me.
