and when you go, don't return to me, my love

chapter 3 - your last crusade.

     A strange numbness came over Kazuha as he stood at the peak of the mountain. He'd always heard in myths and bard's hymns how the view from the top of a long hiked mountain was the most beautiful sight you could ever see. Though he didn't think it was a lie, he never thought he'd experience it, especially like this.

     Even in spite of the circumstance, it was true. What would be his last sight would be the most breathtaking thing he'd ever seen, and that was something he could be content with.

     It was bittersweet, though. He knew in every version of his story, he'd meet the same end. He'd always end up right back here, as the king of his own world that would never last. Even as a child, he could never imagine growing old, or falling in love and getting married, because something just told him it would never happen. It wasn't his place in life.

     To be fair, his younger self was right about most of that. Maybe not the falling in love part, though. 

     Sometimes, when Kazuha was young, his father would reminisce about his life before his wife had passed. He would always say "She loved me until the day she died, so that's what I'll do."

      At the time, Kazuha thought that was silly. He couldn't imagine loving someone that much, to the point where you could never move on after they die- "Until death do us part" was something that he couldn't even hope to understand! Above all else, it was absurdly irrational. Death was apart of life, and the sooner you could get over that, the sooner you could cope with the things that haven't even happened. 

     Yet as he stood on this mountain, staring out at the sunset shining brightly through misty clouds, he understood. He understood the force pushing humanity forward; the very same reason that teenagers sneak out behind their parent's backs, the reason that men would write books worth of poetry to women they'd never give it to--

     Because Achilles' true weakness was never his heel. It was his heart. 

     Like Achilles, that would be Kazuha's weakness as well. He accepted that the end to his story would be one that some people would scoff at, but that's okay. Not everyone will have the chance to love like he did, and for that, Kazuha would have taken pity on them. 

     Yet, the mystery of love isn't one that you can follow forever. He had grieved every person who he'd ever loved, and who'd ever loved him. How much more sorrow could he take? How much longer could this go on? 

     Even if he accepted that his story must end, it left a bitter taste in his mouth that he didn't quite like. He had fought so hard, for so long, and yet he ended up just where he was in the beginning.  He wanted to convince himself that this time it was different, that this time it was on his terms, but in his heart? He knew it wasn't true. Even when he had fulfilled Tomo's dreams of defeating the Shogun, and even after he had awoken the vision shell, the void in his heart stayed empty. The void that was never full. With his father, Tomo, everyone- it always came back. The cycle of grief was unrelenting, but this time it was just worse. Tomo was Kazuha's weak spot, the tear in his heart, the only person who could truly set him ablaze. Why did he have to leave so soon? Why couldn't he stay for just one more day, make just one more memory? Why was he so selfish?

     Soon after Kazuha finally had all his desired achievements, he realized something; nothing could make him whole. Even in the miraculous event that Tomo somehow came back, they could never be as they once were. The wound in his heart was one that grew larger with each day, and now, Tomo couldn't sew it back up again. Now, they would be strangers in a world that they didn't recognize, and that couldn't recognize them.

     Even then, standing on the edge of the cliff that the mountain dropped off of, it was truly dreadful to think that Kazuha's first love would be his last. Dreadful for anyone else, that is. Not for Kazuha. Not if it was Tomo. 

     Regardless, it was a long way down. Maybe even long enough that he could change his mind halfway down. He could deploy his wind glider at the last second. He could give himself a second chance. Though, he wasn't sure if he really wanted an out from this. 

     He took the small glass bottle out of his pocket. The glass bottle had a note to anyone who may find it. It was less of a suicide note, and more so a letter to the world. He had already said his goodbyes to everyone he loved, even if they didn't quite know it. The traveler, Beidou, even Liyue itself-- he had said what he needed to say, let them know what they needed to know, and now it was time for him to face himself.

     Laying the bottle on the ground, he came to notice that he would be immortalized in the farthest place from his lover- Tomo was laid to rest in one of Inazuma's lowest valleys, yet Kazuha chose one of the highest peaks to throw himself off of. Maybe it really wasn't meant to be, after all.

     Know, this letter would write no apologies. He had so many regrets, so many missed opportunities that haunted him to that very moment-- but he was not sorry for any of it. He hated that word, too. It was a whiny, pathetic plea for forgiveness. He had spent so many years being sorry. Being ashamed, being looked down on by others, it was all apart of a very shameful, sorry existence. At least in his death, Kaedehara Kazuha could pretend he lived with pride.

     In that bottle were all the things he could never say and all the pieces of his mind that he would never share. All the things he wished people had said, and all the things he should've said to others. He wanted them to hear what he hadn't. He didn't want it to all be futile and pointless. He didn't want it to all be forgotten.

     He didn't want to be forgotten.

     And so as the sun set on his final day, he took a breath. The world was so beautiful, but held so much pain. He had served his purpose, done so much good for Teyvat and Inazuma, been a hero to all the people he could have been. He had said his goodbyes, wrote his memoir, dotted his i's and crossed his t's. 

     So why did it hurt so bad? Logically, this was it. There was nothing left in this world for him. He should just get this sorry, shameful act over with so that he could be remembered as something better. 

     So why were his eyes so watery? Why couldn't he do the one thing that would make it all stop?

     Because even then, even in the end, Kaedehara Kazuha was a coward. Everytime he'd tried this, he'd given himself an out. He'd stopped before he got too far, walked back down before jumping, even deployed his windglider once after jumping. All because he couldn't face that this was really it. This was really how his story was meant to end.

     This time? Things were different. He would not let the world get the better of him. Not when he had finally done what he'd set out to do. This time, his story was over, and he got to write the ending.

     Surprisingly, letting himself fall wasn't the hardest part. The fall itself, however, was. At first, he was panicked. Some strange, animalistic will to survive welled up inside him, but he couldn't will himself to save his own life. Dying would be painful, he would suffer, he didn't really want this. He could give himself another chance, he can't just give in to this cycle of loss. These were all the things he tried to use to convince himself to deploy the glider and end up right back at square one. Upon realizing that, a wave of calm washed over him. In the end, he was at peace knowing that he'd always end up back at the peak of that mountain. This was breaking the cycle.

                                                                                                     

     He stared up at the world for a moment. 

     For the first time, he felt it stare back.