If Only

sorry haha i fell asleep

Sorry that this hasn't been updated in a long time, I've honestly been neglecting it...

The song chosen for today is "sorry haha i fell asleep" by Egg. I really like and relate to this song, so here's a story of it!

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1st Apology

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I apologise, from the very bottom of my heart.

I'm sorry that I didn't respond to you, and for a week at that. When I was in class, I accidentally kept falling asleep. There goes my healthy sleeping habits I told you I'd keep. Poor sleep is just like me, huh?

I ended up waking up late for work after that, I left my phone at home so I couldn't answer you then. I didn't mean to leave you hanging there without an answer. I didn't mean to leave you alone...

Sorry again, I left you unread for the entire day when I knew I should've answered. It's my fault that I couldn't think of anything worthwhile to say to you. ...I'm scared. I'm scared because I don't know what you think of me just yet. Do you think I'm a nice person? Or someone you find annoying and just hang out with out of pity?

I just need a bit more time to find out who you take me to be. I can't ruin nor spoil the impression of me that you already have. I want- need to be someone you like, a person that you'd find fun to be around.

——

"Oh..."

I do this every single time, it's just what I do, all I've ever known! I push you so far away from me even though all I want is to simply be close enough to you. To be close to you is all I need right now, but I can't help it. I promise I'm not doing this on purpose...

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2nd Apology

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I apologise again, from the very depths of my soul.

I'm sorry that I never opened your message, looked at what you wanted to say to me. I was to busy wound and wrapped up inside my head overthinking and stressing about things, about you. But I don't want my impression to seem like I'm so eager, I gotta be cool. The very last thing I want is to be a fool in front of you.

My heart wouldn't be able to take the embarrassment. I wouldn't be able to listen to the words you'd say if I did.

Another sorry that I may not seem like myself a lot. I wasn't as lucky as you, the confidence cards I was dealt were as low as can be. I wish I were as confident in myself just as you are, but I know I never can be.

But I'm fully willing to sway into any point of view, change my personality, who I am, so that I'm a bit more appealing to you.

After all, who would want to be friends with someone like me? Someone who doesn't know how to be them self...?

——

"Oh..."

I hate this feeling.

The feeling of being so fake.

I'm always hiding my feelings, just for someone else's sake.

But will that make me look like a good person in your eyes if I do...?

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3rd Apology

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I apologise, from the very being of my body.

Im sorry I didn't respond for a week. I guess that without saying that I wasn't really asleep. I did it because I was afraid, to tell you the truth. I was just afraid that the more that I'm known by other people, the chance of me being alone will get higher and higher.

And that's scares me a lot.

I don't like being alone, vulnerable.

Being known is a good thing, but it's also a terrible thing to be. The more people who know me means all the more expectations. I can't handle that many expectations at once, it's to much for me.

One last sorry that I left you unread for the day again. It's not me, it's my mind that likes to tell me; it's better that way. And I can't really do anything about it anymore. I'm losing the control I have...

I'll do what I can while I still can. I'll brush it off like it wasn't that deep, like it didn't hurt me at all. It didn't hurt me inside at all.

——

I lied.

Im saying it one more time.

I'll push you away,

Hide my feelings,

Brush all of it off,

And then tell you;

"I'm sorry, I fell asleep"

——

-Lynxo