A part of my life..
Not a good one, but not a bad one either. Kinda mediocre.. Kinda fucked up. But I guess I can’t change that, but I can tell my story. How it started, how it could end, even though I don’t Know the ending because I’m still living this boring life.
As far as I can remember, when I was a little girl I felt alone.. Different, even though I’m not different, just boring. You could say I hate myself. Like I want to kill myself… But it’s fine.
I’m fine.
Anyways, I was this little kid, right? And I was different from the others. I was the outcast in my family and the outcast in the wonderful place of co-op, an homeschooling group where homeschooling families get together and teach them. Not really that fun to be honest.
Well, not fun for me.
And now this little kid grew up and is public schooled. I’m 17 now, almost 18. My life is as terrible as I thought it would be. Maybe even worse. But that’s okay, I guess. I know, I’m pathetic, I’m complaining about my sad, sad life. Well, fuck you. I didn’t ask for this bullshit and honestly you’d be sick of it, too, if you were me. I don’t care what you think or what you’ll say, just fucking read this and take your sweet time because this isn’t a short story.
I think I lost my mind a while ago, but shhh, don’t tell anyone. It’s our little secret.
This little girl is not that much of a girl anymore either. Being genderfluid is nice and being either bisexual or pansexual is nice, too. It’s interesting that people hate other people just because of who they like. It’s stupid.
Life goes on though. It just keeps going. On and on, over and over. Quite repetitive..
I think I’m losing it, but I mean I’ve been high all day long for a reason. To keep me grounded,yet to make me float in nothingness. It’s been hard for me lately. I’m so tired of everything being hard. It’s hard to enjoy anything. Happiness isn’t for the living, apparently.
I know I talked a lot, but barely told you anything of importance. I tend to ramble when I’m high. And that’s all the time, recently. That’s okay.
The past couple of years I was trying to figure out who I was. My sexual identity, gender identity… My life. Those little bits of years of my life changed me, especially since my first, real, relationship. He was my everything, but some times those little everythings end.
When I was young I thought that when you found someone you loved completely, with your whole heart, that you stayed with them for the rest of your life, but now I know that’s not how it works. Maybe it could have- But I tend to fuck things up. I burn it up like a cigarette. And that’s what happened. I also found that I you can love more then one person at a time.
Which is a hard thing to happen to someone- The stran of it al. Your heart aches for both and it doesn’t help that you’re poliamrous. Or at least that’s how it is for me. It really makes it a pain in the ass. And then you get your heart broken after you’ve broken their heart. I’d never make the same mistake again.
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When I was a kid there was sevral things that messed me up. I got into an accident and it was hard for me after that. I mean, even before that it was hard for me. I didn’t fit in with my family or people in this homeschooling group. I din’t fit in anywhere- I felt alone all the time and I was desperate for attention all the time. I couldn’t figure what was wrong with me. I still don’t know.
But that’s okay. I’ll survive it on my own if I have to, but the thing is.. I don’t. Not anymore. I have one person I can trust with anything, the person I love the most, the person that could possibly be the love of my life. I’m not alone anymore and thank god for that, though I’m not religious.
I guess things will work out, but I can’t see the future.
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Tell me what you guys think and if I should continue this <3
