The Devil I Know | Jaeyong

7: Winter Formal

Extra Long Finale Chapter. Enjoy!

The clock ticks to a steady, baseless rhythm, stark against the white wall it's been perched upon. The short hand fixes on a numberless nine, and when the long hand reaches where 12 would be, Jaehyun finally tears his eyes away. Dr Byun taps his pen against his notebook in time with every second beat, and then, when Jaehyun's gaze lands on him again, he stops. He places both down on the small, round table that divides them and leans back comfortably on his couch, running a hand through his salt and pepper hair. He then undoes the top button on his white coat and stretches out his arms, assessing Jaehyun through his Windsor glasses. Jaehyun catches a glimpse of his reflection as the corner of Dr Byun's mouth twitches upwards. There's no need for formality anymore. The time left in their session is drawing to an end, and they both know that, no matter what happens, this will be the last time Jaehyun ever comes back.

"So, that's it?" Dr Byun asks, gauging his reaction. "With these new developments, are you sure you don't want to see me again? And you don't need a prescription to restock your meds, do you? It's been a while since I've seen you, Jaehyun. They must have already run out."

"Keep them."

Jaehyun pushes up off his couch, towering above Dr Byun at the other side, who does nothing but tilt his chin up and slant his head. Now that it's all out, Jaehyun's ready to leave. He doesn't want those meds anymore — or, he doesn't need them. In the past, he took them to keep his head clear. To keep himself grounded and focus on football rather than warring to keep those dark thoughts festering in his head at bay. The ones that made him hurt and made him want to hurt other people, too. Vestiges of ugly, old memories he'd buried crawl back out of their closed tombs. Memories of the times he used to come to Dr Byun's office on a regular basis, every Thursday after practice, sitting on that grey, spotless leather couch. Memories of how long they'd spend, with Dr Byun poking and prodding inside his head like he'd been paid by Jaehyun's parents to do. Most sessions used to be about Jaejoon when he began his spiral. The rest about problems with his parents back at home, caught up in the middle of their messy divorce. But mostly, it was stagnant minutes of silence before words were forced out of him, if at all. Except now, for the first time since coming to one of his sessions, everything Jaehyun had to say came out willingly. And it was all in the name of one person: Taeyong.

"It's a shame. I think this is the most productive session I've had with you," Dr Byun says as he adjusts his glasses. "You will come back again, won't you?"

The cork of Jaehyun's jaw screws tight, and he moves towards the door, ignoring the rhetorical question. He shouldn't have come back, and he knows it. But, in a drawn-out moment of weakness, he rebounded. He called up for a session with Dr Byun and told him everything. For the entire session, Dr Byun had listened without asking questions because he no longer needed to. At some point, he'd even stopped taking notes as Jaehyun laid all his cards out, exposing himself in ways he hasn't been able to do with anyone else recently — not even Johnny. There were truths previously too hard to admit, truths he'd kept locked up inside of him, and truths that cut too deep for them not to bleed. He's a villain with an impure conscience, and instead of that confession releasing some of that guilt shackled to Jaehyun's shoulders, it stays mounted on him, weighing him down even after he's gotten up to leave. He's spent days thinking about everything he did to Taeyong, tallying up each act in their timeline like a prisoner with chalk, until he came to the conclusion that there were too many sins to repent for. The things he's done are past the point of forgiveness, and he's no longer in a position to play the devil's advocate for his case. The verdict is clear: he's guilty. And now, it's time to clear his dues and pay his penance.