Of Pinstripes And Potions

Chapter 23

Upon reaching the dorm, James makes a beeline for his bed. He throws down his bag carelessly onto the floor and then himself onto his bed. His pillow is cold against his face when he lifts it to scream into. It's a tad dramatic, he knows that. But he also knows that if Regulus was anybody else, if he'd picked somebody remotely acceptable to feel this way about, he'd be much worse. James would ordinarily talk about his crushes to excess, tell the others every detail of every interaction and declare wistfully that he's stumbled upon the love of his life, reflect on how lucky he is to have met them so young and so easily as at school. But even if those terrible, dramatic thoughts poke at the edges of James' conscious mind, he can't voice them. Not about Regulus.

"Have fun with my brother, did you?" Sirius asks, his only acknowledgement of the embarrassing noise James has just let out, and James looks truly tormented when he sits and meets his friend's eye. He should have been expecting that, really, and isn't surprised in the slightest when he spots the Map on the edge of Sirius' bed. Instead of showing the shame he knows is expected in those circumstances, apologising for going back on his word, James clambers across the small space between their beds and lies down flat next to Sirius, cramped together as they have so many times before. And though he's still frowning, is clearly pissed off at James, he says nothing to protest.

"Where's Pete?" James asks, in lieu of an answer.

"Hospital wing with Moony." Sirius says, and James nods. Even if he's completely lost his mind, he knows that having any kind of conversation on this topic in the presence of anybody but Sirius is a bad idea. He feels badly enough about what he's doing without having Pete or Moony chirp in to remind him what a terrible friend he is.

"Nothing happened," he tells Sirius, which is the truth, but it doesn't explain why he feels that familiar guilt pressing at the back of his mind.

"Mh, I'm sure," is the only response he gets.

Several moments pass, and James doesn't know what to say next. He could defend himself, delcare again that nothing untoward happened, that he hadn't kissed Regulus (though he'd wanted to), and he hadn't held his hand (even if he'd thought they looked soft). He won't do any of that, because he knows how Sirius feels about it. Surely that must be worth something?

"I showed him the cloak." He says instead.

"Why?"

"Because..." James watches as Sirius stares directly at the ceiling. Whatever convoluted excuse he gives, enough of the truth to fend off further guilt but with enough gaps to withhold Regulus' secrets, he knows that Sirius isn't going to like the fact any more. So he doesn't bother with them. "I wanted to."

"Right."

"Pads..."

"What?" And though he's just told himself that he's going to keep to his promise to Regulus, that he's not going to tell Sirius about Snape or the potion, or anything that has (or hasn't) happened between them, it's all that he can do not to blurt it all out in one lungful of air. If he leaves it at 'I wanted to', Sirius will go on contemplating James' loyalty to him, think that he's going about being friendly with Regulus after everything, despite his strong feelings against it. He just needs Sirius to know that there are equally strong feelings on both sides, that there are reasons he can't just ignore Regulus.

"Look, you're going to be pissed at me for this, but I want you to know that I had good reason." He rolls over onto his front, staring intensely at Sirius who merely raises an eyebrow in response. Though he's endeavoured to tell him something, he still can't decide how much. When the silence stretches out too much, Sirius huffs.

"Just spit it out, will you?"

"I asked Reg to stay with us over summer." James blurts out. It isn't quite what he'd been meaning to say, but he supposes he'll have to tell Sirius that at some point, and it's as good a way as any to lead into the reasons behind it. "Not necessarily the whole time, though I'm sure my mum would be alright with it if he wanted to, I think it would probably just be—"

"You what?" And Sirius looks a little angrier than James had been expecting. Confused, obviously. A little irritated that James hadn't asked him first, sure. But his eyes were harder now, and the space between them suddenly doesn't feel enough to hold all of Sirius' anger.

"It just sort of slipped out, but... Merlin, do you really want to spend the whole summer wondering what he's doing in that house?"

"I wouldn't." Sirius says, voice tight. His eyes are back on the ceiling now, and James is bold enough to poke him in the chest as he argues,

"Yes, you would. And I would too, and I've had enough of those summers to last a lifetime. And I know that it was obviously way worse for you, and I should have consulted you and—"

"What did Regulus say?" Sirius cuts him off.

"Nothing yet, I told him to think about it."

And maybe Regulus will say no. Maybe he'll have started an argument with Sirius for nothing, maybe he could've got away with never even mentioning the fact that he'd suggested it. But he's lied to Sirius enough, deceived and kept him in the dark for the sake of keeping Regulus' secrets. He'd like to be able to keep the confidences of both brothers, to prove he can be trusted by both brothers. But at the end of the day, Sirius is his best friend, and he doesn't regret telling him about it.

"Right."

"It's just... I know you always said that he got on better with your parents, but it's not even just that. 'Cause there's all of this other stuff that I promised I wouldn't tell anybody about, and I know that makes me a shitty friend to you, because you're my best friend, and he's your brother, but he's not exactly the most trusting person and—"

"Fine."

"Fine?" James repeats incredulously. He can't believe that Sirius isn't going to question any of that; not the part about the 'other stuff' he's hiding for Regulus, or the mention of their parents, or Regulus not trusting anybody. But with his confusion so evident, Sirius only shrugs.

"I don't want to hear about it. So, fine. You've asked him. He'll probably say no, anyway."

"Yeah, probably."

"So there's no point getting het up about it now. I'll just let Moony be pissed off at you later." Though he said it with a slight amusement in his tone, certainly more jovially than he'd said anything else since James walked in, James knows the threat was a genuine one. Sirius finds it difficult to stay angry with James, but Remus is more stubborn. Especially when he's angry on somebody else's behalf, as he will be with James when he hears that he's invited Regulus to spend the summer with them without first consulting Sirius. Though Sirius seems sure Regulus will say no, James is holding out hope that he'll say yes, if only to make Remus' wrath worth it.

He doesn't move from Sirius' bed then, but neither do they talk any more. They lie in a slightly uncomfortable silence, something which happened so infrequently between them that James could probably count the instances on one hand. He can't stand it.

"If you'd talk to him, I'm sure that he'd—"

"I'm going down to see Moony now," Sirius says, not willing to even entertain the idea, "are you coming with, or sitting up here and moping over that prat?"

"I'll come with you."