Of Pinstripes And Potions

Chapter 27

James has been telling himself for weeks that he wants to tell Sirius the truth. He loves Sirius. Sirius is family to him, and he hates keeping things from his best friend. Especially when prior to the whole Regulus saga, he would've confidently said that Sirius could always tell when he was lying. He'd never tried to keep anything from Sirius, because he hadn't thought that he could. Not that he'd wanted to. But now that he has been keeping things from Sirius, knows that he can without putting himself under suspicion... It's sort of difficult to stop. Because he wants to tell him, and yet every time he's given the opportunity, the words seem to die in his throat.

There's moments where they're alone in the dorm, or when they're knocking elbows brushing their teeth, polishing brooms together; a million opportunities for James to come out and say 'Regulus and I were never actually involved like that, it was just to keep Snape off his back'. But he never does. He just chews at his lips, watches him guiltily, shakes his head at Regulus whenever they cross paths to let him know it hasn't happened yet. Which is thankfully not very often, because he's not sure he can deal with the confusion of all that while he's trying to tell Sirius. If he's telling Sirius the whole truth, then surely he ought to tell him about the strange way James feels when he's near Regulus, the urge to kiss him that might've passed if their lips had never touched, but which now seems harder to avoid than ever.

He doesn't just want to kiss Regulus, though. More than anything, he wants to make him smile again, laugh again. He wants to be the reason the boy gets flustered, and stumbles over his words, James wants to cut through that cool façade he puts on, and be allowed to convince himself just for a moment that Regulus is feeling what he feels too. He knows that he's being delusional, but knowing it and stopping it are two very different things.

When it finally happens, it's not really James that initiates it. Sure, he's thinking about it. More specifically, he's thinking about what it might be like after he's done it. He and Regulus will be able to speak more openly, because Sirius won't be so suspicious of James' intentions once he knows everything. They'll be able to lounge around first thing on the Quidditch Pitch without worrying about being caught, if James can manage to get Regulus to admit he at least likes doing that.

So yeah, he's thinking about it. Arm draped off the edge of his bed and eyes on the dorm window, James sighs loudly. It's not intentional, just a side effect of thinking such nice thoughts.

"If you don't stop it, I'm going to lob this at you." Sirius tells him, holding up a snowglobe he's pinched from Remus' bedside.

"You will not," Remus grumbles and takes one hand from where it's been tucked away in Sirius' hair to take it from him. Since he and Remus finally spoke about what's going on between the two of them, they've been far more touchy in front of him, and James thinks it's nice. Doesn't help his own wild imaginings, to see them so loved up and affectionate, but he's happy that they're happy.

"Stop what?" He asks.

"Oh, like you don't know." If it weren't for the fact that his legs are all tangled with Remus' on the bed, their sides pressed together, James thinks that Sirius might've had more bite behind his words. Seeing them happy was reason enough to approve of their relationship, but also having Sirius mollified in moments like that was one hell of a bonus.

"I'm just lying here! Can't a boy lie in peace when he's—"

"You're thinking about him." Sirius accuses, and James doesn't deny it. His mouth clamps shut and he contorts his face into something apologetic before deciding that no, actually, he's not sorry about it.

"Yeah, I was, actually," he confirms instead.

"Stop it."

"I was thinking about you as well." He says it before he can really think about it, but he doesn't regret it. Maybe the problem has been that he's been trying to have the conversation in moments where they're alone together. He's been finding every opportunity to get rid of Pete and Remus in the hopes that the words will come to him more easily. But Remus has been involved in all of this from the start, had talked to James about it in the hospital wing and had found himself embroiled in the falsehoods James had pedalled afterwards to try and soften the blow. Besides, Remus had been unconvinced that James was actually interested in Regulus beyond their proximity, and he was looking forward to an opportunity to prove the boy wrong.