July 5, 2022
I went from being mildly/consistently depressed in high school to being severely depressed at university. I tried to hold on but I eventually dropped out in my third year. Then I spent one and a half years doing god knows what (or doing nothing at all). I'm supposed to graduate this year. Oh well.
And even though I sounded somewhat lighthearted, the stress and anxiety strangles me every other day. I'm not sure what to do, or where to go from here.
I was seeing a psychiatrist on campus before I quit university. Now that I am no longer a student I obviously can't see him for free anymore. But I also can't afford to spend so much money on weekly sessions with him, so I lied to him and told him I was doing a lot better. I was not. I am not.
In the midst all these things, I started "dating" someone I'd met on an online game, someone I have never even met. He is one year younger than me. We made things exclusive almost 2 years ago, in 2020. I'd love to meet him, but he lives in Japan, and Japan hasn't been open for years now. Unlike me, he's still a student, so it's hard for him to travel. So it's all on me. I don't know how long we can stay together when we've never even met. We've been through a lot, and we have quite different values, but neither of us wants to let go. Still, it's hard.
I started working part-time at a cafe at the beginning of 2022. I've learned so much, and everybody is so nice. I'm paid reasonably. The cafe is a bit far, but it's not difficult to get to. It does have busy days, but most of the time I don't have to do a lot, or anything too difficult. But sometimes there's this voice in my head that tells me to quit. I don't know why it wants me to quit, but it gets loud sometimes.
These days I've been wondering if I should go back to school. It's terrifying. But I'm worried because it seems difficult for someone like me, someone without a specialty/skill, without a degree, to get a stable job with a growth of salary increase over the years. Or maybe that is possible. But I want to move to Japan, and I don't know if I can do that without a degree.
Maybe a lot of the things I am worrying about can be solved easily. But it's hard to see anything when you're anxious and depressed on most days.
