Ruled, ᴘᴇᴛᴇʀ ᴋᴀᴠɪɴsᴋʏ

not the end?

There was nothing I could do. She was done. I saw it everywhere: in the way she moved, the way she spoke and the worst of all... I could see it in her eyes.  

She was tired and she wanted it all to end, but so was I and so did I.  

''I had no idea you felt this way.'' She whispered. I tried to grab hold of her hand but much like before, she jerked away from me. ''Why would you even want to be with me after I've forced you into this madness, Peter.'' She continued, gazing at the wet floor. 

''Isn't it obvious?'' I questioned. ''Love. I love you.'' 

''Maybe love isn't enough.'' She said standing up, tightening further the towel around her body. 

''What do you mean?'' I asked, trying to mask the trembling in my voice. 

''I mean that if love was enough we'd have much easier than we do.'' Her voice was firm. She meant those words. 

''Love is more than enough!'' Maybe I didn't have to raise my voice but I wanted to be heard and I wanted what I said to stick inside her head, replacing what she had said. ''Nothing worth having ever comes easily! You know that you've told me that!'' 

''I know but from the start, it feels like everything's against us. Maybe we aren't supposed to be together! '' She raised her voice as well. ''I just think it's better-''

That was it. I didn't even hear the rest of her sentence. 

There is a limit to how much a person can bottle up. Mine was long overdue. The way tears burst through my eyes was sudden was unexpected and then came the sobbing.  I couldn't keep it in any longer, no matter how hard I tried. I didn't remember the last time I had sobbed - maybe it had been as a child - and it felt like at that moment I was making up for all the times I should have cried aloud and didn't. I couldn't control it. I felt stupid and so fragile. I hated it. But I couldn't stop. 

''Peter.'' Rita called and I realized she had kneeled ahead of me, her hands were holding mine. She had a shocked and frightened look to her but she was trying to it hide away.  ''What's going on?'' 

''We're about to break up. Again.'' I mumbled between suffered cries. My heart ached as it had never ached before - there was no way I could handle heartbreak again. ''I'm tired, Rita. I can't do this again.'' She kept cleaning the salty tears from my cheeks, but it didn't matter, I kept giving her more work.

''I'm tired too! I just wished it was easy for us like it is for everyone else!'' I could see her face was red. She was crying too. ''I don't want to lose you but at this point, I feel like it hurts more to be together than to be apart.'' 

''Don't do this,'' I whispered leaning my head against hers, pressing our foreheads together, and looking deeply into her eyes. She was tired, I could see it, but she wasn't tired of us, she was tired of everything else. ''As long as we love each other we can work everything out.'' 

''Can we? Peter, I love you  and I want you so much but I also want to do the play .'' She sobbed. ''I can't have both.'' 

''Yes you can! I won't kiss her again, I promise you. Until the play airs we'll keep doing what we've been doing-''

''No!'' She yelled. ''I don't want to do that anymore.'' 

''Tell me what you want then, and I'll do it, but don't tell me you're leaving me.'' 

She remained silent for a while too long. My heart beat so loudly I was sure she could hear it. But at least my crying had ceased, my face was wet just from before. I was still trembling and it was scary. I had never seen myself like that. She had me and she had seen it all, all of me. Good and bad. But there was something different about her. She was cold. She was distant. She was half the person she always had been. She was tired and hurt and that takes a toll on someone. Her toll: she gets cold. My toll: I get emotional.

 ''I think I need time.'' She finally spoke. 

''Time?'' I questioned.

''Yes. I need time away from you and away from school to figure things out.'' 

''Are you asking for a break?''

''Yes.'' She said firmly. I felt a tug at my chest like a knife had been thrown against me. 

''How long is that going to be?'' I asked.

''I don't know. Can't tell you. I'm sorry.'' She was sorry I knew she was, but it didn't make it hurt any less. ''I'm going home.'' 

''Please stay just tonight.'' 

''I think it's best I go.'' 

''Can I kiss you?'' I asked knowing the answer already. 

''Please don't make this harder than it needs to be.'' She begged with a trembling voice. ''I need time. I need to think and being with you is influencing my thinking!'' 

I nodded and stayed silent while she got her bags and got dressed up in the bathroom with the door closed. I stayed silent while she packed up her things and gave me the sweaters she had asked for, back. I stayed silent while she put her shoes on and I didn't say anything when she was all ready, hand in my doorknob, ready to leave, for god knows how long, maybe forever. 

''I'm sorry, Peter. I do love you, I hope you know that. I love you more than I've ever loved anyone else and that hasn't changed but I have to put myself first, for once.'' Her voice was soft. ''Hope you have a nice spring break.'' 

I stayed silent until I heard the front door bang shut, then I felt as if I was dying. 

My mouth ran completely dry, my hands began to itch and feel numb, my chest began to heave up and down uncontrollably as my heart raced faster and faster and I had no more control over my breathing. Thoughts became so scattered that normal functioning was suddenly impossible. Panic overcame me and I became nothing but a sobbing, fas breathing mess, sitting helplessly and frozen on the end of the bed. 

We hadn't broken up but somehow it felt as if we did.

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Hey pretty faces, I said I was back! 

Sorry this chapter is so short! Something better is coming, I promise! <3