mcyts x reader angst

c!technoblade x suicidal reader

❗️this is not my story, all credits goes to the original author vannieisalive on ao3❗️

trigger warnings:
- depression
- negative thoughts
- self harm
- suicidal thoughts/actions

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The loud thud of someone banging on the wooden entrance of your house woke you up, as usual, but this time you didn't seem to have the urge to hop out of the cold bedsheets.
"I'm leaving you here if you don't come out in five minutes."
It was Technoblade, as usual.
You liked hanging out with him since you lived very close to each other in the snowy part of this weird realm that was the DreamSMP. You actually couldn't wait every morning to hear his coarse, monotone voice asking you to hurry up, giving you something to do in your awfully boring days of life but today it all felt different.
You didn't answer anything. Usually, you would yell a quick "Okay." before getting out of bed, hurrying to put on armor so he wouldn't leave you out of morning hunts. He was very impatient after all.
The pink-haired boy hesitated before knocking again. You usually weren't up t this time in the day before him. He wondered if you had left early for some reason.
"You up?"
Shrugging his shoulders, he opened the door to see you laying in your bed, covers pulled up to your nose, blankly staring up at the dark wood ceiling.
"Get up, I'm leaving in like..." he glanced at the clock." ten minutes."
The snow melted off his boots, puddling up on the dark flooring. You didn't seem to have enough energy to even answer. Not a word came out your mouth, you just shook your head.
He stood there for a second, his dark red cape softly swooshing behind him, his long hair slightly wet from the melted snow, some strands sticking together. "What's your deal?" he groaned, sitting down at the side of your bed.
Silence. You turned to face the wall, not wanting to see him. You didn't want to hear or see anyone for that matter. Everything that was lingering in your mind was too painful to admit or pronounce.
He brought his hand to your forehead, his calloused, cold palm softly brushing against your warmed-up skin. "Are you sick, kid?"
You close your eyes, absorbing his touch, enjoying every second of it, knowing it would be the last time. He didn't know what was happening to you or what he could do to help, thinking that you'll be fine, he left you some medicine on your bedside counter. "Drink one every two hours, I'll check up on you at noon, 'aight?" he asked, before heading out. "Get some rest." he closed the door, the winter wind slightly seeping in, lowering the temperature scientifically.
You turned to face the ceiling again, your hands resting on your chest. It made you heartbroken that the people would think of this man as such a heartless creature when he was actually very much just a normal person. Violent but not more violent than anyone in this place, anyways.
You had fallen into this awful state of depression after a rough week spent alone with your self-deprecating thoughts. You were never trusted to be alone, but this was something Techno didn't know.
Not like he was expected to help you or know that, but after you were announced to be a traitor for defending him in your country and left to be exiled, no one else was around to keep you company.
No one except him.
And you couldn't help but feel like a burden. The way he rolled his eyes at you when you tried making jokes, the way he spoke to you in the mornings when you weren't your best at hunting, and the way he sighed when you ruined something he was working on. It all made sense to feel like just a weight on his shoulders, an unnecessary character by his side. Though you tried your best to enjoy time with him, and you did. But every night overwhelming thoughts of being nothing more than an insignificant speck of dust really took a toll on you.
You somehow got out of your bed. The bags under your barely open eyes seemed darker than the day before, your body felt heavy, though you didn't have much in your body. Time seemed to pass by excruciatingly slow, the hours spent with endless boredom and pain roughly moving along.
You wished you could sleep throughout the whole day, so you wouldn't have to think and be aware of what you were as a person. What were you anyways?
A traitor.
Insignificant.
Useless.
A burden.
A weight.
Unneeded.
Nothing?
You looked up and down your pale body. You couldn't stomach seeing yourself.
Usually, there was something to take your mind off these rough thoughts, like smithing or brewing with your only companion, but you weren't going to join him after realizing how much he didn't want you along.
The sour tears spilled out your eyes as you sat alone on your bed, blankly staring out the window. Anger took over your mind.
Why do I not matter?
Why am I still here then?
Leading your fingers into your scalp, you roughly pulled of your hair. You wanted to feel pain from outside instead. You didn't want to suffer from thoughts. That would be weak of you.
You never thought you would go to these measures but there you sat, with a knife in hand, your arm exposed, the blue veins staring back up at you.
How did you get here? Where is this headed?
The cold air in the woodshed made you shiver, the even colder metal touching your skin slicing you with ease. Your tears spilled without an end until you couldn't breathe from your suffocated sobs.
As you started getting dizzy, you laid down, hanging your arm off the side of the bed, the blood puddling up on the wooden floor next to the melted snow shaped like techno's boots. You couldn't help but think of him. He was a great friend.
Selfless, you guess.
He gave you armor when you forgot it, he protected you from violent mobs even if it meant dealing damage and often, he took time out of his day to teach you something. He earned nothing from it, other than having you around.
If that was something worth earning anyways.
Your vision blurred, head fuzzy from the stinging pain and slight blood loss as you thought back to the months of memories you earned from moving here and accompanying the guy who was labeled a "heartless monster".
All the time spent outside, helping him with building and farming, the days spent in the nether, expanding your knowledge and resources, and all the things he had taught you, even if he didn't seem like he was enjoying it at all.
He still never told you to leave.
He didn't want you to.
Not once did he think of wanting you to leave.
But you didn't know that, so for you, it just seemed like he did these because he was nice. Which you were still thankful for. All the knowledge he gave you about enchanting, brewing, and anything you asked about was very meaningful for you. No one has cared or looked out for you as much as he has.
Which was although quite depressing to admit.
The boy who was heading back to his house was quite worried for you. You didn't seem to be yourself since he had left to visit L'manburg for a week. He didn't know if he had done something wrong or said something that made you hate him or if you were just sick, but he caught himself dwelling on his thoughts anyway.
The cape on his shoulder seemed to be heavier than his body as he dragged himself along with the unanswered questions floating around him in the snowstorm. Wondering why you looked so rough and wouldn't talk to him about anything or why you were avoiding him just made him feel worse as the time passed by, he hesitated to check up on you.
Noon came around. The two houses were colder than usual as the howling wind blew through the small cracks that could be found between the logs. Technoblade took a deep breath in before knocking on your door as if he had felt that something was off.
You, on the other hand, laid in the comfort of your bed, heart sinking low as you heard the sound of your only friend's knuckles meeting the door. Contemplating hiding the thing you had done to yourself, you smiled. There was nothing to be done. You were basically dead as you barely had the energy to keep your eyes open.
A bit of silence lingered before the boy slammed the door open, his chest seeping into pain as his head whipped around to see you. Panic took over his actions, rushing to take his gloves off, pushing two fingers against your neck to find your pulse. "What the hell did you do?" he seemed to be angry.
With a sigh, you reached to push his hand away, softly. "Techno...It's over." looking into his eyes, you smiled. "You don't have to care about me anymore."
Feeling the static taking your brain over, you squeezed his hand.
"I'm sorry for always annoying you." lips trembling, you remembered back to his words when you accidentally ruined his potions.
"You're not going out like this." he tore a line of his clothing off rushing to stop the bleeding with his shaky hands, but you had already gone half-unconscious. "Stay with me. Talk to me." he kept looking at your face, watching your eyes fade out.
Making you gulp down potions he had made, he took your cheeks between his big hands, softly wiping away your tears that puddled up under your eyes.
"Please speak to me. We can fix this."
Pulling you close to himself, he rocked back and forth, trying his best not to lose you.
As much as he acted like he didn't like having you around, he enjoyed your dumb jokes and questions. He found the time spent in your company much more amusing than being on his own since you would brighten his days up without even intending to.
Admittedly you were his only friend since Phil has passed away.
He couldn't lose you like this. Not to you thinking you were just a weight on his shoulders.
He regrets not telling you that he liked you, now. Frustration fills his body as he thinks about how many times he hadn't realized the signs of you being ill.
His heart feels like it's going to jump out as you slightly tremble in his firm embrace.
Pulling away, he wipes his tears. He couldn't let you see him this vulnerable.
"Don't ever do that again, idiot." he scoffed, pulling you in for a hug after you came conscious sobbing.
The way you desperately clung onto his waist, and the way he held you like you were the last pillar in his world told more than words about you two. You two who didn't have anyone but each other in this life left. Two people hated and hunted by their nation who didn't plan on leaving anytime soon. Not before proving them wrong. Not without each other