our last summer. (e.m)

thirteen: telling secrets in the dark.

this is breathing.
kissing eddie comes naturally to me like learning to walk or learning to read;
an instinct lying in wait for our awakening.
sometime during my creation,
eddie and i were cut from the same cloth in hopes of finding each other again.
how sweet this reunion is,
like our souls have journeyed beyond the cosmos for this homecoming. 
all this time,
my lips were sculpted to fit his.
that testament is being proven now.
eddie bends to the curve of me but never once pulls me in.
let me fall into you.
he says,
though the words are never spoken aloud.
my heart is beating and beating like it might climb up my throat and come out in words of blinded infatuation.
i want to spill over with my truths,
to tell eddie how deeply in love i am with him,
though it is already being proven plenty in this vehement kiss of ours.
i knot my hands into his hair and listen as a satisfied groan leaves his lips.
too much passion is swelling in the cores of our bodies,
so we force ourselves away and revel in the heavy breathing.
eddie's scent has become caged in my lungs.
i might keep it there forever.
he runs the pad of his thumb across my reddened bottom lip while a proud smile lengthens across his very own.
"do you know how deeply you consume me?"
"no,"
i answer through my daze.
did that really just happen?
"so deep that i could live off your love for the rest of my life."
i press a gentle kiss to the bruise that lies against his cheekbone.
i listen as the breath gets caught in his throat.
"i think i'm in love with you."
my voice is small when i speak.
against my better judgment,
i'm worried my confession will not be returned.
eddie picks my head up then flashes me that easygoing smile.
"you think?"
he kisses me again,
though this time we are in less of a rush to prove ourselves.
it's gentle and tender.
he holds me carefully like i am a woman made from marble;
like i am a statue in which he'll worship for eternity.
eddie is coloring in the parts of me that were left dull in his absence.
then he breaks away to say,
"i've been in love with you since the beginning, y/n. you're my green girl, my garlic clove, my lucky charm. you're my person."
i take eddie's hand into mine,
where i feel the cuts and scratches against his skin like he might've tried to fight back in the unfair battle before.
words have left my brain and rendered me useless.
eddie munson is in love with me.
there is no more empty space between us reserved for pining and longing,
because finally we are triumphant.
we are in love.
"will you stay tonight?"
i finally ask through my stunned tongue.
"if you'd like. i'm all yours,"
eddie answers with a simple smile.
i pull on his hand and lead him to where my bed lies in wait for our unity;
our first night together,
our first night back as one.
i climb into his embrace and am accepted with ease.
while i trace the stitching against his t-shirt collar,
i find the words to admit,
"i know...about-about chrissy."
eddie's breathing seems to stop for a moment.
like it's collected in his chest,
forcing his heart to quicken in pace.
i shut my eyes in fear i've ruined the moment and am only going to push him further away,
until his arms only pull me in closer.
"yeah...i figured you'd hear soon."
when i don't say anything,
only continuing to run my finger along his clothing,
eddie asks in a ghost of a whisper,
"do you think i'm a coward, y/n?"
i'm quick to answer,
"i think you're the bravest man i know. i've never thought any differently."
eddie cradles the nape of my neck at this.
i listen as he lets out a shaky breath.
"god, i fucked up."
is this the first he's ever talked about it?
aside from the friends who experienced the horrible event beside him,
am i the one he's decided to open up to?
i face eddie head on to see his gaze is directed out of the window,
eyes glassy and distant.
i sit up to rest my forehead against eddie's,
where he's forced to look into my eyes.
"give me half of it."
a smile twitches onto his face at this.
when eddie and i were younger and things were too heavy on our shoulders,
we'd give each other the half of it;
half the burden to share,
half the relief to revel in.
a tear falls from the corner of his eye at this,
so i wipe it away with the swipe of my thumb.
eddie tells me the grueling story of chrissy and the end of her time cut too short.
i listen as his voice catches,
i watch as his eyes glisten with tears,
i watch this emotional turmoil turn him desolate.
i can't help but to cry with him,
to cry for her.
though i sense eddie is omitting some parts of this story,
whether for my sake or his,
i decide not to ask.
i'm glad enough for this moment here.
i don't say an entire word as he talks.
i simply listen and let his tears collect in the palm of my hands.
when he's finished,
his eyes find their way back to mine.
"do you see now? do you see why i had to at least try to save you? chrissy died because of me."
"no, no, eddie. don't say that."
the sob he had been trying so hard to swallow finally rack his chest,
forcing his words to come out in rifts.
"i didn't know. i couldn't save her."
i bring him into my chest where the rest of his quiet cries are released.
i caress his skin in hopes of calming him.
it's seems this has been a long time coming;
like he's needed a shoulder to rely on for so long now.
"eddie, my love. you cannot keep blaming yourself. what were you meant to do?"
"i don't know. something."
he wipes at his swollen eyes with the back of his hand then stares out of my window again.
i watch the moonlight cast upon this wounded lover of mine.
there's a stitch in my heart.
how could something so devastating be so beautiful?
i run a hand through eddie's hair while i collect my thoughts.
"you almost died for her, for them. you would have run yourself into the ground for...for anyone that you love. do you think cowards are made of that?"
i let my cool hands rest against his sweltering cheeks and watch as he mollifies beneath the action.
"i won't pretend i know your grief, eddie. i can only imagine how you must feel, but you deserve to breathe again. chrissy...she wouldn't want this for you, would she?"
i shake my head because i feel the words are too trite and they're coming out wrong.
what do i know of chrissy?
what do i know of their friendship,
of his loss?
i'm a fraud playing a part i know nothing of.
"i'm sorry. that's not what i mean...i hate when people pretend they know everything about a situation when they really know nothing...all i want is to just want to help you. and-and i hate to see you beating yourself up for this."
eddie turns to me with half a smile then pulls on a strand of my hair.
i grab his hand into mine and whisper,
"i don't know. i don't have the answers for everything. but i know you don't have to do this alone anymore. i'm here...here with you again."
he pulls me in so that my head rests to his,
then he kisses the corners of my lips before he says anything,
"you believe in angels, y/n?"
"i'd like to...do you?"
the grin that widens across his face is unmistakable.
"yeah, i think i do."
i roll my eyes at this but my smile betrays any feigned annoyance.
with a simple kiss to his forehead,
i silently remind him that i'm here.
"thank you...for letting me, you know..."
he picks at the teardrop stains that have dried onto my shirt as he speaks.
this overwhelming urge to drown him in affection overcomes me,
which is my excuse for planting yet another kiss to the top of his head.
his scented shampoo clouds my lungs;
i might never breathe the same again.
"always."
"and what about you? what secrets did the devil bring you down in georgia?"
i make a face at his joke but laugh nonetheless.
then i shrug,
not quite feeling like telling the tale of my home life.
so instead i say,
"tell me about this."
i smooth a finger down the tattoo against his arm.
he takes a look at it then goes into detail just like i'd asked him to.
i sink further and further into him the longer this conversation goes on.
i'd never known eddie to have this many tattoos,
considering i'd been so distracted by the freckles kissing his nose all this time,
but now i'll never forget them.
every time i close my eyes from here on out,
the ink settled into his skin in the form of art will appear.
"i'd ask to see yours but you barely so much as have a piercing,"
eddie teases while he pushes my hair back to gain view of my ears,
that are well-pierced despite his thoughts.
he laughs at himself then settles back into the pillows behind us when a look of surprise overcomes him.
he chuckles out in disbelief at my silence.
"no way in hell. you're joking."
"i didn't even say anything!"
"i can see it in your eyes. show me!"
i cover my face with my hands at how easily i've been outed,
but i decide to let eddie in on this secret.
resting on my knees,
i bring attention to the full length of my abdomen.
i pull down the waistband of my pants to reveal a small tattoo hidden on my hip.
eddie inches closer to it to gain a better look.
so close in fact,
that i can feel his breaths fan the skin of my waist.
i shiver beneath it.
without moving an inch,
eddie looks up to me with glittering eyes to say,
"well...aren't you just full of surprises?"
"you done admiring down there?"
i ask before the wave of butterflies can clog my esophagus under his allure. 
he chuckles when he says,
"just about."
then he backs away from where he once was and rises to face me.
"you're full of secrets."
"aren't we all?"
eddie tenderly casts an embrace against my cheeks,
where his thumbs caresses the skin there to ask,
"will you tell me all of them?"
"if you'd listen."
"to you? i don't think i'd ever stop."
i am nothing but a woman being held in the arms of a man turned divine.
"clover?"
"yes?"
"i want you to know that you don't...you don't have to fix me or anything."
i bring my lips to his temple where a simple kiss is pressed there,
then they are dragged down the length of his cheek and to his lips,
where i whisper,
"you're not broken, eddie. you'll heal in due time. and i'll be with you every step of the way."
his hands find their place against my waist now;
fitting there perfectly like they were made for his hands.
"you swear?"
the vulnerability can be heard in this question.
if i were to strip each and every word back until it was bare,
to become nothing more than syllables,
i can hear what he's really asking me:
promise you'll stay this time?
i let my lips enclose with his just once more.
i'm sealing the promise he's asked of me,
even if it may be one i cannot keep.
the summer,
despite how hard i wish, beg, and plead with time,
doesn't last forever.
eddie and i have spent enough of our time finally leading to this moment.
and while i know what time we have left will be spent in good fun and even greater love,
what will the autumn bring us?
i say none of this as eddie lies down with me tangled into his embrace.
i think nothing more of this as his hands trace circles against my shoulder blades to ease me to sleep.
neither of us are willing to ask the question.
what we've begun could last a lifetime,
if it would just last the summer.