Kept Secret | Sal Vulcano

january 2004

"We just got married," I was talking with my throat choked up, struggling to speak. "Why is this happening?" I grabbed her hand and placed my forehead against it. I was hiding my tears away from her because I didn't want her to finally see the weakness in me. She always saw me as a strong, comedic man and I don't think she has ever seen me shed a tear.

"Sal, it's okay. You'll be okay. Don't worry about me." Every breath she took was leading down to her last. "I love you so much." She used all the strength she had to lift my chin up and wipe the tears off my cheeks. "Okay?"

I nodded my head, but I knew it wouldn't be. For some reason, memories with her just flew through my mind and she looked at me as if she was having the same flashbacks. I love her. There's no question about it. I've been holding in my anger this time because she kept it from me. She kept a secret from me and that's why we were in this hospital room. So how could it be 'okay'? Our rings were touching as our fingers were intertwined and I studied the gold on each of them. I tried to feel the date of our marriage engraved on the inside of the ring on my finger. It was written in Roman numerals; XII.IV.III.

She had a tight grip on my hand and tried her hardest to speak. "I left a letter-" She paused to catch her breath, but failed to speak again. Her hand let go of the grip and the heart-beat monitor was beeping quickly, showing her blood pressure was dropping. "No, no, no. Please, stay with me, J!" I got up and started to gently shake her just enough to hope that she'd respond to me. The nurses came in and called a doctor; the room in panic.

"Sir, I need you to step away," the doctor demanded. I followed his order and stood at the door, watching them try to revive her. Lifeless. The both of us. I felt lifeless emotionally and she was lifeless physically. The quick beeping turning into a flat note, indicating that she was gone.

_______________

"Hey, man. I'll see you later. Talk to me if you need to, alright?" Joe rubbed his hand on my shoulder and gave a comforting smile. I nodded at the ground and threw a soft smile back at him. Along with Joe, James and Brian patted my back and grinned to comfort me. They all went their separate ways to find their cars that were lined up next to the freshly cut, green grass. I walked towards my car and stopped to look back at where she was being buried. Pursing my lips back, I took a deep breath to hold in my tears and got to my car. When I was driving, I was thinking about how easily I could just make one move and I'd be dead. I'd be buried with her. I could cut the wheel quickly and drive into my death. She was the love of my life. I had just married her. We were supposed to have a life together, but instead I'm grieving the death of a woman who I had just recited my vows to only a month ago. Parking in my driveway, I stared at the cross tattooed onto my wrist. Of course, God had a reason for this. I just needed an answer.

I threw my keys on the counter top in the kitchen and didn't bother to take my shoes off; something I normally wouldn't do. I looked around and pictured her standing next to me, preparing dinner for us. Slowly walking around, I tried to look for all the traces left of her. Her shoes, her purse, and a picture of us that she framed and placed above the fireplace. Everything happened so quick. She was fine one day and the next day she was in the hospital, having machines keep her alive.

I hadn't known about her cancer and I was unsure of why she never told me. She could've lived longer. I sat down on the couch and leaned against the table. She could've lived longer. "God!" I slammed the side of my fist on the wood as hard as I could and spilled angry tears. I left a letter; The last words she spoke. When I opened my eyes after remembering what she said, I saw an envelope left on the dining table. And that letter answered my question.