Kept Secret | Sal Vulcano

tuesday

It felt as if we were going on our first date and before I had met Angela, I never thought that the ideal first date was just to hang out at my house. It was weird- the fact that I had to keep a relationship a secret. I always seem to forget that she's half my age and I find myself having a small panic attack inside my head thinking about it. This is the riskiest thing I've ever done, and God forbid anyone finds out. I can't let my best friends know- the guys who I've told all of my little secrets to throughout my whole life. It was sad that I had to do this, and it was scary to know I'm putting my dream job on the line. There would be no "Impractical Jokers" or The Tenderloins if I wasn't part of it because we are known as Sal, Q, Murr, and Joe. It just wouldn't sound right if one of our names weren't included.

Every single part of me wishes that I could show Angela off to the world and be able to say "she's mine" with my body standing up tall and a proud grin on my face. But I couldn't.

I drove her from her house to mine and she, of course, didn't feel comfortable. She sat down across from me on the couch. She was shy, quiet and she sat as if she was sitting on rocks- struggling to make herself comfortable. But soon after I decided to sit next to her, I fell into tears. I told her about Julianne- not how she reminded me of her, but how Julianne was the love of my life that died as I was holding her hand. I showed her the letter; the letter that told me why Julianne decided not to tell me that she had a brain tumor. For some reason, that is what made Angela comfortable. I found tears in her eyes, too, as she was reading the letter. She said Julianne was beautiful, and she's right.

But she made my heart flutter after that. "I have loved you since the first ever episode I watched of Impractical Jokers," she said as she squeezed my hand. "It's hard for me to say this, believe me, but it's hard for there to be something between us." I gulped and looked down at my lap. Her thumb has rubbing the back of my hand. "I'm 16 years old and you're 38." Why remind me? "You have an uprising career that will make you famous and I have yet to finish high school and college. Our relationship would have to be a secret," I know, "and I don't think we should have to deal with that." I didn't want to deal with that. God, I wish I didn't have to. I wish she hadn't walked into that meet and greet because I wouldn't be stuck in a situation like this. I wanted- needed- to be with her. She walked into that room and I was tied down instantly. But why? She's a reminder of my wife, but she isn't her. She isn't Julianne. So, why am I such a fool?

She's kind. She's intelligent. She's beautiful. She's everything that I ask for in a woman. I would risk anything for her. We were sitting in my living room and it was quiet; we could hear the clock ticking and the rain hitting the window. "When I first laid my eyes on you at the meet and greet, I just felt like I already knew who you were," I admitted to her. She parted her lips as if she was going to say something, but looked away instead. I looked out the window that showed raindrops racing and grey clouds above them. "I wouldn't have bothered if it didn't mean anything." And it was true. If she was someone else, I would've treated her like I treat any other fan.

I laid down on the couch and was almost shocked when I felt her lay down next to me, her arm reaching around my chest. I shut my eyes to focus on her heartbeat pressing against the side of my torso. With the hand that was underneath her head, I caressed her brown hair. I decided it was enough comparing her to Julianne, so I asked her questions about herself. I wanted to get to know her. Know her more than just a comparison.