ON HOW TO LOVE || CSB

𝟬𝟬𝟰 │𝗢𝗻 𝘁𝗮𝗸𝗶𝗻𝗴 𝘁𝗵𝗲 𝗰𝗵𝗮𝗻𝗰𝗲

C H A P T E R F O U R

On taking the chance

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AS SOOBIN CONTINUES helping his 'rival' (yes, he has declared he isn't a stranger anymore but a rival), he decides to just venture in his memories and enjoy being able to gush over you, even if he has to keep it under wraps. It's not like he usually has the opportunity to boast about being your friend on a daily basis; he can't do it in front of you for obvious reasons, and your other friends would not let him see the end of it.

He quietly mourns that most eyes touch more than hands ever do; Soobin completely believes he will have to be in love with you secretly and leave it at that for the rest of his life.

"Okay, whatever." The man shrugs, pursing his lips to avoid an obious sneer from showing on his features as he thinks of how useless the conversation has been so far (which Soobin relishes in, he has won the battle). "That's cute, I guess."

Soobin turns a blind eye to the comment, and instead decided to resume his guide motu proprio. "Most importantly, give her a lot of space and time alone. As many as she needs. She'll let you know. Let her live without you."

-

SOOBIN'S INFATUATION FOR you was unexpected. Admittedly, both of your parents had theorised that he would inevitably have a crush on you, and vice versa, at some point, but whereas no one really knew what went through your mind regarding romantic interests - you would avoid all questions subtly and so, years later, no one knew what was Soobin for you, really -, he genuinely didn't realise that maybe, perhaps, mayhaps he saw you as more than a childhood friend until his last year of high school had ended, during summer.

In Soobin's mind, that was the summer broken smiles and faltering promises. Still, he remembers it softly, as if it's a delicate object he must be careful with. Ultimately, that was the summer that he matured, the summer in which things changed: one day, you were his best friend and nothing would stand between the two of you; the next, he was holding his heart in his hands, outstretched towards you, as he sang a silent requiem to his childhood, telling you to use him as you wish.

He felt as if, certain days, his future was a solid rock breaking into foam the waves that his past had become, transforming and progressing. Other days, he was a faltering satellite in space, dying, dying, dying. He didn't know what to do, how to do it, what to feel, where to be, when to act, or why.

The realisation that he had started to look at you differently, not as his best friend but as something else only worsened the chaos he was plagued by. You had always been his friend, so what in him had pushed him to corrupt your presence with unneeded feelings?

That epiphany happened in the worst moment, to top it all off. Soobin could only wonder how would have things turned out if you had chosen something else back then.

He had started to feel... Enthralled by your presence some days prior, but it was all exacerbated when you left to visit the universities you had been accepted at for the following school year, opting to choose where you would go to after seeing personally the campuses.

As he told you to enjoy those few days, a strange realisation downed on him: there was a high probability that you would be separated months after. A cold sensation fell upon his body. He was greatly contradicted at that moment because, over anything, he wanted you to be happy and reach your full potential (which he believed you wouldn't be able to do beside him), yet he wanted to be selfish that one time and stay beside you.

He knew the 'separation', if it could even be called like that, would be nearly nonexistent - it would happen, independently of the university you chose, seeing as he chose a different degree from yours. You would still talk in between classes, be it via call or in person, and you would still have weekends and holidays to see each other. Then, why did he feel so scared?

When you came back from your relay of visits a meagre week later, he had thought deeply on the topic (even when he was sat back beside you in his father's car, as he drove you back to your apartment complex). Such reflection had helped him to reach a conclusion.

Soobin was scared of change.

The mind of man, by nature, is feeble, weak, and although it is designed to adapt and grow, doesn't it decay years come? Change means transformation, a process inevitably and undoubtedly humane, but it also means a departure from a zone of comfort that the mind has grown accustomed to. Exposed to the new dangers, the mind fights; in fighting, it loses itself; in losing itself, ties are broken, people leave, and although the mind continues to be the same one (much like energy, it can't be created nor destroyed), its contents become experiences. Soobin didn't want you to become only an experience in his life, a friend he had up to his adulthood or a mere memory of his youth.

Back at his house, when he plopped into the sofa, he asked himself what was it that made him so worried at the prospect of your unhappiness or losing you.

Not long after, as he watched how you talked with his parents, soon walking towards him and ruffling his hair as a way to greet him, a calm realisation downed upon him. He was excited at the prospect of you being with him again, glad to see you flourish (with or without him, you were able to do amazing things, and wasn't that a reason to be proud? He didn't have to be stuck to your hip to support you with all his being), and aware.

Aware that he was in love with you.