Ashtray Imagines/ preferences

Dear Ash,

Mentions of suicide ❕❗️
In this story the reader (you) does sadly commit suicide so if your sensitive to that topic please skip this story :))
"Dear Ash, It has been 2 days since your funeral and I am so lost without you. You honestly dont know how much someone means to you or how badly you need someone to live until you've lost them. Without you i feel as if i cant breathe and im drowning in my mind, I cant walk past your room without almost having a panic attack. Fez is losing his mind he wont come out of his room, i have to take food and drinks into him just so I know he's eaten. you would hate how badly he is drowning you would kill whoever made him suffer this badly but this time its over you. not. being. here. I heard him on the phone with lexi the other night and he was talking about donating your stuff to the local homeless shelter but he cant bring himself to doing it, and i dont blame him i cant even help but cry when i see your favourite cereal in the pantry. I've started staying back at moms house, i cant bare being at your house without you being there it hurts to bad and reminds me your gone. But sometimes i go a lie in your bed and i blast your favourite playlist while i just lie there in your favourite shirt that still smells like you. The day you died a part of me died with you, you were my soulmate, my everything and now your gone. You made me smile on my bad days and you always made sure i got through whatever i was going through. You really made sure i felt like the luckiest girl alive and i did, you always put me first and i never thanked you enough, i just wish i could hold you one last time and make sure you know how much i love and appreciate you. I always have to keep myself concentrated on something because if i dont my mind will wonder off and i'll be reminded your gone. When i watched that coffin being lowered into the ground I couldnt bare to believe that you were lying in there being let away for good. Lately I've been having days where i wake up and i dont want to be alive and I think of ending it all just to be with you, i always look at bottles of pills at your house and i always get the thought of doing it, sometimes i get close to and the thing stopping me is because i know i must live for you. I must push through all the bad days for you. Every night since i lost you i've been lighting a candle at night and i let a black balloon fly off into the sky just for you. I cant stand being away from you it kills me, its slowly eating me from the inside out and i am scared one day it'll swallow me whole and ill lose it all and kill myself so please if your watching over me baby please just show me signs your still around watching over me. It wont be long until i see you again my love.."
I fold the note back up as i sob loudly, I look up and my eyes meet his grave stone 'Passed- 27th Feb 2022' As I read those words my sobs become loudly and it becomes harder to breathe "I c-cant do this anymore ash" I let the hot tears roll down my face and i look up at the sky "you didnt deserve this, you deserve to live, be a free teenager, party and sell as many fucking drugs as you want" I sob louder and i run my hand over his gravestone "I-I cant believe I'm here right now reading to your grave" I choke on a few sobs. "B-but I hope your in a better p-place now smoking a-as much pot as you like" I laugh through my cries. I pull out a joint from my pocket "Look what I bought us" my voice is raspy from how much I've been crying. I light the joint and I put it i. my mouth taking a drag, I then blow the smoke out and I lie down. I turn my head to face his grave stone "A-ashtray the teenage drug lord d-...dies in a h-house raid.. it sounds pretty badass to me" I smile through my soft cries and I take another hit "it hurts so bad to even say your name" I squeeze my eyes shut "I miss you so fucking much, fuck you for leaving me so early" I bring my hands to my eyes and I rest them on my eyes "I need you more then anything r-right now and your n-not here" I sob loudly "I just need a hug and to look into your b-brown eyes for comfort" I roll onto my side "n-now all I have is photos and videos" I take another hit "I don't even have a smoking b-buddy anymore" I laugh through my sobs "f-fuck i lost my boyfriend, my b-bestfriend and m-my smoking buddy you really f-fucked me by leaving" I run my fingers through my hair "god fucking damn it, why couldnt you h-have run" I yell loudly. I cling onto your jumper I have on "e-everyone keeps asking me how i am at school, I've only gone twice since you left, I couldnt handle everyone asking about y-you it hurt so fucking bad" I whimper "and i-i deleted all my social media because people that didnt even fucking k-know you was posting s-shit about you saying rest in peace" i say through gritted teeth "ITS NOT FUCKING FAIR" I scream then it turns into a sob "t-they act like theyre s-so sad about your d-death when they d-didnt even know y-you, when theres p-people like F-fez and I that are d-drowning slowly because your gone" i cry into my knees.

I wake up to the sun shining in my eyes and the sound of people faintly talking, I sit up and I grab my phone checking the time 9:42am I groan because of how sore my neck was from falling asleep on the grassy ground. I look over at Ash's gravestone "goodmorning my love" I kiss my fingers and I press my fingers on his grave "I gotta go but I'll be back" tears well in my eyes and my voice cracks, I gather my stuff and I start walking home. I open the front door and I take my shoes off at the door "hey baby where were you?" I hear my mum question from the kitchen "just with ash" I reply back quietly, she doesn't say anything she just walks over to me and wraps her arms around me and I do the same. After a while she lets go "please know that I am here for you y/n and I love you so much and that Ash loves you so much and hes watchint over you" she places a kiss on my forehead and I nod not saying a word because the lump in my throat is to big to swallow.
I walk up to my room and I close the door, I go and flop onto my bed and I close my eyes, I then open them and I get off my bed, I head into the bathroom and I get ready to shower. I turn my speaker on and I start playing Ashtrays favourite playlist then I get into the shower, I sigh as I feel the hot water trickling all over my skin swallowing me slowly. I then sit down and I bring my knees to my chest "cause baby I would die for you" I sing along to the somg quietly and I remember how Ash and I would scream the lyrics to this song together.
Soon enough I've finished the whole playlist and I then turn the water off, I stand up slowly then I grab my towel and I wrap it around my body, I step out the shower and I look in the mirror then my playlist comes on "when will I feel this, As vivid as it truly is, Fall in love in a single touch, And fall apart when it hurts to much" I sing along to the song slowly as I look at Ash's jumper on the floor, tears roll down my eyes as the song plays in the background "But god i wanna feel again" I sing through my sobs. I reach down into the drawer and I grab a pill bottle "oh god I wanna feel again" I sing as I open the pill bottle, I pour a handful into my hand then I look at myself in the mirror, I take a deep breathe and I shove them all in my mouth and swallow. I reach down to the tap and I cup my hands a take a drink of the water "I-im doing this all to see you again baby" I smile sofly as I close my eyes and I feel myself getting dizzy, Its finally over, i smile as i feel myself slipping away from my body..

BRO IM NOT CRYING YOU ARE