Broken Kitten

Sleepless Nights

"-She's really came a long way."

"I know.. Im so proud of her. And I hate to say it, but I think we owe alot of the credit to you. So thanks."

"Anything for her. I'll do anything to keep her from being in the situations she's been apart of in the past."

"Haven, stop!" Ricky yelled after her as she opened the door of the bus and ran out. "Somebody go get her. I can't." He was only in boxers and a t-shirt, most of us had been asleep untill we were woken up by her sobs.

"I got her." Devin took off after her and I followed him. We shouted her name a few times as we ran after her, untill she grew tired and slowed down. Devin managed to grab ahold of her and pull her against him so she didnt fall to the ground from the force of being pulled back. "Haven stop, sweetheart." He pushed her hair behind her ears as he held her to his chest, her tears still running down her face and cries coming between her gasps for air.

"Princess, you're gonna make yourself hyperventilate. You have to calm down." I spoke quietly to her as I stood beside them. "Let me have her." I had told Devin after minutes of unsuccessful attempts to calm her down. He let her go as I picked her up and started carrying her back to the bus. I kept the comments in my head about the lack of her weight. She didn't need to hear it right now.

When we got back inside I sat her on the couch as Devin and I sat on either side of her.

"What happened love?" Devin asked, tucking a piece of her hair behind her ear again. She shook her head as she stared at her lap and refused to look at any of us.

She usually did better talking her feelings out in private with just one person. Not when three people were staring her down.

"Come on." I took her hand and pulled her up as I guided her back to the bunks.

"Chris... Chris, wake up.. Chris."

"What?" He had grumbled. "Haven? What's going on?" He got up and out of bed when he realised Haven was crying.

"Its j-just al-ot." She cried, hiding her face in her hands.

"Hey." He spoke soothingly. "Whats alot? The tour? Are you homesick Haven?" She shook her head. I knew that wasnt the problem. She never got homesick, as long as she was with us she was normally fine.

"I c-cant anymore."

"You can't what princess?" It seemed like a simple question, but it took alot in me to ask her it that night. If the answer was what I thought, it wasn't something I wanted to hear her say.

"Yes you can. Havy, you are not giving up and I am not about to let you. I don't care what I have to do or what it takes, you are not quitting on me. You hear me, Haven?" Chris's tone was strict and when she broke down even more I knew it wasnt because he was being to harsh with her.

"Chris, I-"

"No. You're not going anywhere."

We were up into the early ams with her that night, calming her down untill she fell asleep in his bunk. When their mom and dad called the next morning we lied for her and told them she was doing great and really enjoying the tour.

But how were we suppose to tell them that she wanted to kill herself? How were we suppose to tell them that she wasn't eating and was distant at times? They wouldve freaked out and demanded her home which wouldve only made the problem worse. Chris was the only thing really keeping her from going over the edge.

"All those sleepless nights seem worth it now almost. I mean they kept her here.. And that's enough for me." Chris deserved most of the credit. I mean sure, the guys and I helped her too but.. I think if it wasnt for Chris she wouldn't still be here.

"What's the matter?" Devin asked, looking between Haven and her plate that she hadn't even touched.

"I don't really feel good..." She spoke, looking down at her lap instead of at any of us.

"Here.. Just try to eat a little bit of something for me. Please." Chris slid his bowl of mixed fruits infront of her and took away her overwhelming plate. Chris kept everyone focused on and wrapped up in conversation to keep the attention away from her as I tried to motivate her to eat. Untill she has finally finished the whole bowl of fruit and had ate some of my eggs and toast.

Chris and I were the only ones who knew about her not eating.

"Good job princess."

And Chris had told her in private afterwards that he was proud of her for eating.

"Man... Everyone wants to think that just because shes your sister she has such a perfect life and has it so easy."

"Yeah, I wish." He scoffed. "I mean sure.. From the outside it seems like it but thats not the case. She's struggled so much and been through way more than she shouldve ever had to go through.. I wish she had this perfect life that everyone assumes shes had."

Sure Havens always had all of us, good friends and good family. She's had it all from the outside looking in but.. If anyone knew just how much she's struggled. Eating disorders, abusive relationships, depression, anxiety.. Shes been through hell.

Which is why I always spoil her as much as I can and give her the world. She deserves it after all she's been through.

Chris and I were always the main two people that she let in, so he wasn't kidding about the sleepless nights.

Whether we were on tour or at home, there were alot of times when we didn't get any sleep because we were up all night trying to calm her down and make sure she was safe.

Granted, Chris had even more of those nights than I did but Haven and I were almost always really close.

"What happened to your arm?" Ryan asked, grabbing her wrist. She hissed in pain and tried to pull away.

"N-nothing." She shook her head trying to pull away, even though he wasnt letting go of her.

"Ryan, let her go." Chris didn't sound too happy. Ryan let go of her and she headed towards the bunks. "I don't think I ca-"

"I've got it, Chris." I got up from the couch and headed towards the back. "Haven.."

"Leave me alone."

"Hav, come on. Its just me.." I sat down on the edge of her bunk, sliding the curtain to the side. She shook her head and looked away. "Talk to me, here. Please."

"Theres nothing to talk about."

"Nothing to talk about? How about how youre feeling? How about what made you do that? I'm not stupid Haven, I know what happened so don't try to lie to me."

"It doesn't matter."

"Of course it matters Haven. Your brother and I care about you. We want to make sure you're okay and do anything we can to fix things for you.. So just talk to me. You know I won't judge and I'm all ears princess." I took her hand gently in mine, using my thumb to rub circles on the back of her hand.

"I don't want to be here Josh. I never asked to be apart of this world and I wish I wasn't!"

God, How I always wished I could take those feelings away from her. But she was always strong and with our help there was never anything she couldn't get through.