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Waking up the morning after she left was a whole different kind of pain. that sinking feeling of looking at the still made side of the bed. the dropping of the heart when you go to wrap your arms around a ghost. the flattening out of the mattress where there used to be a dent from the person you love. the realization that her place will forever be uninhabited. Those first few days without her were brutal. before, she would come back the next night and we would say our apologies and hold each other a little bit tighter than before. but this time, she hadn't came back. no. this time, i held myself while i cried silently. i held myself together with scotch tape. but it was no use. it was like when you drop a glass. it shatters and falls in every direction. some pieces are large and easily assembled, but the rest are tiny shards that will never be put back together again. she shattered me into grains of sand. tape was simply not enough to hold me together. i was simply not enough to hold myself together. little did i know, nothing would ever hold me together ever again.
after a few months had gone by, it hadn't gotten better. but it was manageable. i had gotten used to the bottle kissing my lips rather than her and the blankets of my bed wrapping me into the hug i would never receive again. at this point, i hadn't been into work for a month. it was safe to assume i had been let go. i had been living off of my savings and petty donations from friends and family who hated to see me expire like i was. i had fallen into the same daily routine that became comfortable to me. wake up at noon, drink for breakfast, make a half assed microwave dinner, replace my liquor stash, and climb right back into bed. there wasn't much i wanted to do, nothing brought me the same joy that it has used to. after a month of this, i decided i needed a change. so i did what any person who is sad does. i bought a dog.
my dog quickly became my saving grace. which is why i had named her Grace. she was a german shepherd. one of the most beautiful dogs i had ever seen. we quickly became inseparable. i would wake up in the mornings, fix me and Grace breakfast, we would go on a walk, and then we would go to sleep. the empty spot on the bed no longer made me sad. Grace happily filled the spot April had left. she helped more than you would think. not being alone really was nice. but don't get me wrong, i was still absolutely heart broken. Grace was always there. she would let me cuddle her and cry on her. she would even lick the salty tears off of my cheek. i don't think i would have survived without meeting Grace.
a year later Grace got sick.
a year later, i was slowly watching myself lose what i loved again.
a year later, the spot on my bed was uninhabited again. and i was shattered into grains of sand.
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