On top of a cloud

I know this feeling like the back of my hand.

Today it is the 27th of July 2022 

I am feeling it again. I just realized in this moment, that this thing that i am feeling is something that i have felt before. It was not that long ago, only a couple of years. 

It started after we ate lunch today, it was off schedule as to what i normally like to do, and i think that might have brought it up. It is this feeling in my stomach, that it is full, that it is big. At the same time it feels like my throat is closing up, or that im really nauseous. One of the two, i cant really decide which it is. 

I recognize the mood too. Feeling like there is a dark cloud hanging over my head, it is weighing down on me, making it hard to stand straight. And when i think about talking, or try to, my eyes start to rear up, it gets hard to speak. Now the last part is just me being emotional because of the other things. But what is the other things??

I know i am not full when i just woke up, or every time i, -myself or someone else initiates a meal. AND THERE FOR SURE DAMN IS NOT HANGING A DARK CLOUD OVER MY HEAD, FOLLOWING ME EVERYWHERE I GO. So what is it? A bad day? Guilt? Shame? jealousy? Or the last option, a recurring eating disorder. 

I do not think i would be able to pull through this time. I let my emotions out on everybody close to my heart. Now my family cant biologically leave me, but my boyfriend can. And a part of me thinks he will, because he saw me the last time, he saw me fight and cry. 

My boyfriend saw me as a skeleton, bones with skin on them, skin surrounding a bunch of organs that is shutting down, like my lever, my hair follicles, my immune system.

The way he has been trying to support me through time when i was upset, or told i did not feel well, has not been...supportive. He told me to get my shit together, he told me to man up, to just stop thinking about it.  And okay so what if i distract myself to the point where i dont think about it, would i not still feel it? I mean you would think that just because i would not think about it, my big fat stomach that i have would go away. And in the sense i guess it would, because it is my thoughts bringing it up. It is a labyrinth, that i still have not found my way out of.