On top of a cloud

You are not jealous, you get jealous.

I was not great at listening to him, i have never cheated, or being close too, and for me there is a very fine line between being friendly or flirty. And i have never crossed that line. 

Bt i did hurt him, because i did not listen, i did not get the fact that he was scared. It is his first relationship, and he was scared. So now, when i tell him that i worry every time he goes out without me, he is ready to fire back at me. "Its different with me" "i never cheated but u did"

But the fact is i did not, i never even wanted to. 

I hate him for saying that, and i hate myself too, but i dont know why, because i never gave him a reason to say so. So is he not good to me? is he manipulative? Or i our relationship one big cup of jealousy. A jealousy so strong that we can not leave each other out of sight, without a fear hitting us.

I never thought i would be a jealous girlfriend. I guess you arent, until something happens to you, that changes you're instincts. You see my last boyfriend hurt me really bad, right in front of me.  A girl asked him one day, "is that your girlfriend" i guess she had seen my hair on a snap or something, and he said no. He rushed through it, hoping i would not se anything. But i did, and it hurt me, i thought he loved me, but apparently he did not even love me enough to turn his fling with this girl of, for the one night that he was staying at my house. 

Im pretty sure that is why i am  jealous girlfriend now. 

But i get nauseas, i cry, i feel horrible. And i take it out on him, because so did he ones, so why cant i do it too? And he is not saying anything to it, he is just saying i love a couple more times, or sending a few extra hearts along with his messages. I want him to take action, i want him to show me that he would not go to a party, because i said so, just like i did. 

I want a fair relationship, and i do not have it. So excuse me if i get jealous, if i act like an asshole but i need the same amount of reassurance that i gave you.