If Only

Chapter 4

It's literally been so long since I updated this story and I was on the verge of abandoning it completely when I found this chapter I'd written years ago in the deep dark depths of my phone.
I first wrote this story when I was like 15 and it makes me cringe whenever I look at it, so it needs major editing and rewriting, as does this chapter, and I'm not sure if I'll ever get round to doing that. I have new stories that I'm working on which I'd much rather give my time to, so feel free to check them out.

Anyway, I'll leave you with this for now :)

It's been about a week now since I gave Noah 'permission' to start dating Lauren. I've seen them hanging out together in school and Liv has told me that he's been up all night texting her most of the time but as far as I know, he hasn't kissed her yet. I guess I should feel happy about that but I just know it's going to come soon and I don't know how I'm going to deal with that, especially if I have to witness it in school.

I tell myself that if Noah is willing to do that, kiss another girl in front of me, then he's not worth my love anyway but I can't fully believe that. He was mine once. He made me feel like I was beautiful, like I was something special to him. He told me he loved me. I carried his baby inside me for nine months, the baby we made together. I melted everytime he whispered I was his and completely lost my mind when he would tell me how he couldn't resist me whilst I was pregnant, how much he loved that it was his baby I was growing inside me.

A shiver runs through me as I think about that. God, the things that boy could make me feel... Damn it, Noah.

I guess he's just a typical guy though, moving on to the next girl once I'm not interesting to him anymore. He didn't have the emotional experience that I did, he didn't feel how much having our baby made me love him and feel connected to him. Maybe he just saw me as an incubator and now that I've served my purpose, he doesn't need me.

The idea makes me want to throw up.

I shouldn't be thinking about this in a maths lesson but my brain can't focus on algebra right now. How could it when Noah and Lauren are sitting a couple of rows in front of me talking and laughing with each other?

It's a few minutes before the end of the lesson when the school secretary knocks on the classroom door before coming in and asking if she could talk to me outside. The first thing that goes through my mind is that something is wrong with Elodie but if that was the case, surely she would have asked for Noah as well so I try to calm myself as I weave my way past the sea of desks to the door, closing it behind me as we step out into the empty hallway.

"Sorry to pull you out of class Kayleigh. Don't worry, nothing's wrong." I let out a sigh of relief. "It's just that we have a new student starting today and the principal and I thought you'd be perfect to show them around."

"What? Why? I mean, why me?"

"Kayleigh, you're one of the friendliest and kindest people in this school! Plus I figured you could use something to make you feel like a part of the school again. I know you feel a bit distant since you're always coming in and out."

I guess she's right. I feel like I'm living in a different world to all the other kids here but it doesn't mean I want to immerse myself in school life. In fact I'd rather avoid it altogether. And anyway, I'm way too shy to show someone around!

Miss Michaels must see the look of doubt on my face because she plasters on a big smile and says 'you'll get to skip a bit of next lesson'. Hmm, blackmail, very professional...