Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind

3

I clutch the trash bag closer to my chest as I enter the building. I can't believe I'm doing this. It's irrational. People go through heartbreak all the time and they heal and they move on. I can't do that. I'm just sad. So, so sad.

"Mr. Styles? They're ready for you." The girl at the front desk says with a smile. I gulp. There's no turning back from this now.

She leads me to a room. Most of the space is occupied by a huge machine.
"Take a seat." Dr. Johnson says and gestures at an examining chair.

"How does this work?" I ask anxiously.

"We're going to scan your brain to make a map of the memories you want to erase, logging them into a computer." Dr. Johnson tries to explain.

"And I won't get brain damage from this, right?" I wonder nervously.

"Not one that will affect you. We'll only erase the memories you want us to erase. Your cognitive functions and the rest of your memories will be intact." Dr. Johnson says reassuringly.

It's scary. I almost back out. Then I remember the look on Louis' face last night. The blank expression. He erased me and he seems to be doing just fine without me. I take a deep, shaky breath and take a seat.

They attach stuff to my head.
"Sit still. Try to relax. I will show you the things you brought and we'll register the reaction in your brain so we can map it." Dr. Johnson says.

I nod my head. He empties the trash bag. Puts a mug in front of me. My heart clenches. Memories of Louis drinking his tea in the morning flash before my eyes. Another memory of me buying that mug. World's greatest boyfriend written on it.

Next, his red jumper is placed in front of me. A memory of a rainy night in London comes to mind. We're running, trying to find shelter. Bus stop. Soaking wet. Laughing. Kissing.

Item after item is placed in front of me until there's nothing left. Agony. Remembering every moment. Happy memories but also sad ones. A relationship unfolded in dead objects.

"Okay. Let's move on. Let your brain react to what I tell you, based on the transcript of what you have told us about your memories of your relationship with Mr. Tomlinson. The 07.14 train." Mr. Johnson says.

I close my eyes and let all the memories wash over me. I'm sad. So, so sad. Mr. Johnson's voice brings me on a journey. Our journey. Louis and I.

An hour later we're done.
"Now what?" I ask.

"Technicians will come over to your place tonight. We will give you something to sleep on and erase your memories. When you wake up tomorrow in your bed any trace of your relationship with Mr. Tomlinson will be gone and you can continue to live a happy, carefree life." Dr. Johnson smiles.

I can't wait. I'm tired of feeling like this. Like nothing will ever be the same. I know that it has only been a month but that doesn't matter. Louis is the love of my life. I will never get over this, unless... Unless I don't even remember meeting him in the first place. Easy fix. I don't have to patch up a broken heart. It can be healed. Unbroken. I won't miss what I can't recall. Hurt over what I can't remember. I can find someone who wants me. Wants to remember me.

I call the guys and ask them to come over. I have to tell them about my decision. They will receive a letter in the mail, just like the one they got from Louis. I still want them to hear it from me first. Explain. Ask them to never mention Louis ever again.

They all drop everything they're doing to come over as soon as I ask them to. I have the best friends in the world. I'm going to be okay. Happy. Carefree.

We sit in the living room. They look at me. Concerned for my well-being. They know how much this break-up destroyed me. How much I love Louis.
"It sounded urgent. How are you?" Liam asks carefully.

Sad. So, so sad. I won't be for much longer. It's such a relief.
"Well, starting tomorrow I will be just fine." I smile.

They share a worried look. Niall looks pissed.
"You're making a mistake, Harry!"

"What's going on?" Zayn wonders.

I huff.
"You all know that Louis has erased his memories of me. Well, I'm erasing him too."

"Don't. Niall is right, that's not..." Liam protests.

I get frustrated. They don't get it.
"I need to do this. I went to see him last night. Drove to Doncaster. It was nothing there. He didn't as much as recognize me."

"I know it's messed up. That must hurt, so much. This is not the solution, Harry." Zayn says softly.

"I need a blank slate. A fresh start. I'm doing this. You don't have to support it. Just...don't talk about Louis. Respect that." I argue upset.

They share another look. Tension in the air. They surrender.
"Fine." Liam agrees.

I look at Zayn and Niall. They don't like it. I can tell. They sigh.
"Okay." They say at the same time.

"Good." I don't smile. This is a tragic mess. It will be okay. Tomorrow. A new start. A blank slate.

When they leave I'm alone with my thoughts. I mourn. Cry over our failed relationship. Our inability to communicate. I'm sad. So, so sad.

LACUNA INC arrive at nine as planned. I'm nervous. So ready to put this behind me. Erase him. Just like he erased me. I tell them that I went to see him last night. They add some last-minute changes. Adds it to my brain map. So everything will be gone. Vanished.

They tell me to get ready for bed. I put on my pajamas. Brush my teeth. Stare into the mirror for too long. My life is about to change. No more sad memories. No more Louis.

I get into bed. Settle down. They put a helmet on my head. Give me something to sleep on. I swallow the pill. Close my eyes. This is it. Louis is the last thing on my mind before darkness takes over. I love him. I'm sad. So, so sad.