Only in my dreams

Prolouge

I awoke from my impromptu afternoon nap to a sharp tug on my arm. Mother superior has a tight grip on my upper arm and was hauling me up from where I had previously been sprawled out on the grass "shame on you, Amara, shame on you" her nails digging into my skin. She starts dragging me back to the main house where the other nuns are moving around at a relatively quick pace going from one job to another. I wrench myself free from her vice like grip "what does to matter? The country is going to go to war soon. I doubt there'll be much need for maths or music or writing" I snap angrily. She fixes me with a cold hard stare, bending down to meet my eye level "when we accepted responsibility for you, we promised your mother that you would be taken good care of. And we have kept that promise, we have never let you go hungry, let you roam free around or grounds and given you the best possible education. War or no war we will keep or promise to our master" with that she straightened up to stand at her full height and points me in the direction of the makeshift classroom "not another word from you, and if I hear you've been given sister Agatha a hard time you can kiss goodbye to some of the free time we generously provide you with"

The lessons were predictably boring, sister Agatha has long since given up on making my lessons interesting, it was probably after I has decided to stop paying attention. Right now she was reciting Latin phrases and their translations for me to copy down in my notebook. My elegant handwriting was staring to slouch on the page and my eyelids were growing heavier and heavier. I glanced at the clock which hung on the hall behind me. Only ten minutes to go, then dinner, then I could hide away in my room whilst the nuns enjoyed their permitted free time before we gathered once again for Mass. There was a sharp bang on my desk as sister Agatha brought her meter stick down on the wooden desk in front of me "No looking at the clock, you're here to learn not to daydream" her voice was sharp and I could tell that humiliation was coming down the track towards me. She indicates for me to rise and points at my notebook "I want to read out every phrase we have covered today". I close my eyes for a moment and then focus as hard as a can on the letters, trying to summon up the memory of how exactly she said them. After two lines my voice starts to shake with humiliation. If I could do anything right now it would be to grab her meter stick and hit her over the head with it repeatedly. Once I'm done I slump back into my seat and stare hard at the surface of the desk. But its clear that Sister Agatha doesn't believe in the saying 'never kick a man when he's down'. She glides behind me and out of my sight "do you realise why you're here" she asks. I swallow thickly "My mother couldn't look after me" I say woodenly. She tuts "Yes that's one of the reasons, she couldn't waste her time trying to get all  the information through your thick skull so she entrusted us with that task. You know why I think the main reason she gave you to us is?". I can feel the hot tears threatening to leak through my closed eye lids, I shake my head. She moves back into my peripheral vision "Because you disgust her. You aren't as strong as you're brother will be, she loves the child that isn't even alive, more than you"

She goes down and sits at her desk, her finger beckons me over "time for your proper punishment" I shake my head but stand up and slowly make my way over. Pulling out the familiar dessert spoon and flicking her lighter she starts to warm the metal up until there's smoke. Carefully she holds out her hand for me to place my wrist onto, within a heartbeat the hot metal is pressed against my inner arm. I press my free hand to my mouth to muffle the sobs "Are you going to cry hmm" and with that she frees my arm. I cradle my arm careful to not let the burnt skin catch on the material of my shirt. A bell can be heard from the dinning hall "Run along now" I back away and run for the door "Oh and Amara" I stand in the door way "our little secret"

I sit at the end of the long dining table, playing with my spoon as I wait for the rest of the sisters to take their seat. Mother superior rises and the buzz of chatter dissipates "Sisters before we enjoy our evening meal I would like to remind you of the scheduled announcement from the prime minister this evening. Something I believe you should ensure you are on time in the mess hall to listen to it" she says. After that she nods and takes a seat, allowing us to dig into the regular stew. It's a general rule that we aren't allowed to leave until our bowls are empty but with the pain in my arm I'm having to use my right hand to hold my spoon rather than my left. One by one everyone finish's their dinner and leaves to go to the mess hall. I am one of the last few to finish but before I can leave to go to my room  I hear sister superior call out "Mess Hall now" I roll my eyes but I honestly don't have the patience to argue so I turn in the opposite direction and make my way to the mess hall. Most of the seats are already occupied and there's a nervous buzz in the air as someone fiddles with the radio, ensuring the signal is clear. I sit down against the wall and watch the clock as the hands count down. The noise falls away as it is announced the prime minister is now to address us.

"I am speaking to you from the Cabinet Room at 10, Downing Street.

This morning the British Ambassador in Berlin handed the German Government a final Note stating that unless we heard from them by 11 0'clock that they were prepared at once to withdraw their troops from Poland a state of war would exist between us. I have to tell you now that no such undertaking has been received, and that consequently this country is at war with Germany.

You can imagine what a bitter blow it is to me that all my long struggle to win peace has failed. Yet I cannot believe that there is anything more or anything different that I could have done and that would have been more successful.

Up to the very last it would have been quite possible to have arranged a peaceful and honourable settlement between Germany and Poland. But Hitler would not have it. He had evidently made up his mind to attack Poland whatever happened, and although he now says he put forward reasonable proposals which were rejected by the Poles, that is not a true statement.

The proposals were never shown to the Poles, nor to us, and, though they were announced in a German broadcast on Thursday night, Hitler did not wait to hear comments on them, but ordered his troops to cross the Polish frontier this morning. His action shows convincingly that there is no chance of expecting that this man will ever give up his practice of using force to gain his will. He can only be stopped by force.

We and France are to-day, in fulfilment of our obligations, going to the aid of Poland, who is so bravely resisting this wicked and unprovoked attack upon her people. We have a clear conscience. We have done all that any country could do to establish peace, but a situation in which no word given by Germany's ruler could be trusted and no people or country could feel themselves safe had become intolerable. And now that we have resolved to finish it, I know that you will all play your part with calmness and courage.

As such a moment as this the assurances of support that we have received from the Empire are a source of profound encouragement to us.

The Government have made plans under which it will be possible to carry on the work of the nation in the days of stress and strain that may be ahead. But these plans need your help. You may be taking your part in the fighting services or as a volunteer in one of the branches of Civil Defence. If so you will report for duty in accordance with the instructions you have received. You may be engaged in work essential to the prosecution of war for the maintenance of the life of the people - in factories, in transport, in public utility concerns, or in the supply of other necessaries of life. If so, it is of vital importance that you should carry on with your jobs.

Now may God bless you all and may He defend the right. For it is evil things that we shall be fighting against, brute force, bad faith, injustice, oppression and persecution. And against them I am certain that the right will prevail."

And with that it is done. In less than 5 minutes the state of peace that I had grown accustomed to and took for granted fell away. The nuns started to chatter amongst themselves. Some had friends and family that would be called up to fight. And what if the germens decided to bomb us drop gas on us. Food would have to be rationed and medicines. I could feel the anxious tension in the room grow. I t seem mother superior felt it also "Ladies! This is not the time to loose our heads. We are protected by our master, I am sure of that if nothing else. Now it seems that Mass should be taken earlier than usually scheduled to allow us to refocus and calm our thoughts so if you could make your way to the hall in a orderly manner we can begin". There is murmuring as we file out, I bow my head to avoid the worried glances thrown my way.

To most people the word of mass evoked images of church halls, stained glass windows, crucifixes. And if any of those ordinary people showed up to take mass here they would most likely have a heart attack. The mass we took on a daily basis was the exact opposite of normal. Instead of the glory of god being celebrated and the body and blood of Christ being shared out we celebrated our separation from the oppression of the creator and instead put our faith in the fallen angel Lucifer. My mother. And before you turn and run in terror no I am not the anti christ, the destroyer of this world and promised ruler of the ashes. That task would fall on the shoulders of my still-to-be-born brother. I was the herald of hell, my job was to stand by my brothers side and aid him in my mothers plans. My job was to wait. For how long even I did not know, it was yet to dawn on me just how torturously long my watch would be. I would learn though, a very unpleasant lesson.