Dear yearning summer,

I'll be better.

Just give up altogether. You have no talent for studying, your brain is completely useless. People like you shouldn't even try to do anything, it's a waste of money and time. 

You 

Are 

Worthless. 

Thats the first thing I heard come out of my moms mouth as soon as I got home. I haven't done anything but studying that day. From 8 to 7 I spent taking numerous test and cramming textbook knowledge into my brain. But rather than an embrace I receive treatment that even pigs wouldn't get. By far of all the things my mother said to me, worthless seems to hit the worst. Fatty, piggy, doesn't come close to worthless. 

I don't hate my mom. My aunt told me I have to learn to understand her since her personality is so messed up. "Be the bigger person." Maybe it's possible to diagnose her as a sociopath. My mom will tell me how her best friend is a manipulator, cheating on her husband than gaslighting her family that its normal. Yeah, cheating is pretty bad but not worse than my mom. She'll make a mistake even if its on purpose, destroy a person's mentality maybe even add a slap. Then the next day she goes and pleads that she's sorry. If her pleads don't work she bribes them with gifts until they give in. My mother really thinks money can solve all her problems. However, living with her my whole life, I know whenever she's says sorry, she doesn't mean it. Since she'll make the same mistake again not a couple of days later. So money won't solve her mistakes since I know she enjoys to downgrade people. Buying me a new bag won't change the fact my feelings have been hurt, or hated myself for not being enough.

My dad on the other hand, only curses me behind my back. Unlike my mom who doesn't care about location, time or who we're with. My mom told me my dad was angry that my grades were slipping and if I didn't start improving he refused to pay for my tutors. What kind of person wouldn't get heated at that. Its not like I want to get low scores. I'm really trying but I can't help that the test are hard. I brushed it off since I didn't want it to bother me. Just until Sunday my mom was fine with me getting low scores since its only a practice. But suddenly my mom gets enraged and yells that I'm not putting any effort into it. A slight slip and my whole world crumbles. 

"you really want to become a doctor? Well with your progress and scores you should just work at McDonalds. If you're not going to even try to get better then why should I spend a fortune on something that won't grow." she says. 

I don't shed a tear in front of her. I maintain my dignity and stand there until she finishes. Once she has nothing more to say, she resigns to her bedroom. My mind is filled with her previous words. I play them on repeat