Mr Imp, Life columnist at The Banner, writes about his misadventures as a Don Juan-Esque petty criminal, his odd odysseys abroad and his high jinks with his colourful family in Auchterturra. Cartoons by Dod Dunlop.
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Dear Readers, the final part of the siege of Auchterturra was a strange affair, and I was not present for any of it. After seeing off their sunken ships a couple of days later, we received an airmail message from councillor Fingers Bean: "Firestorm! Get ready!"
What was coming was going to be big, brutal and bad. Immediately we audited our defensive supplies to work out what we could use to fight them off. And it surprised me that one of the farmers had hidden in his shed was an actual surface-to-air 'teddy bear' which had a heat-seeking function. When I asked how the bloody hell he came into having that thing, he said: "Fand it"
Excluding the weird stuff, there was a substantial sum of 'teddy bears' with their 'accessories', and one still wonders how on earth the Highland Constabulary haven't noticed this significant stockpile which could literally supply a small guerrilla army for a few months. We had more than enough to fight with, and getting into Auchterturra was still borderline impossible. However, councillor Bean would not have sent that message without knowing that something big was coming. We prepared for the worst and barricaded and sandbagged large chunks of the inner town, and then the most annoying part happened.
When I wasn't looking, I got clunked out and missed everything.
I had the strangest dream while clunked out; the town of Auchterturra was veiled in dark clouds of smoke beneath the night sky. But then became suddenly animated by bangs and whooshes of crimson flame, and there was a persistent sound of out-of-tune howling whistles and an infernal dinge of that sound that comes from rubber roughly burning across roads. In the dream, there were thick smells of sulphur, gunpowder, grain alcohol, poorly made potcheen and petrol. Observing from a high point, perhaps from the broken clock tower of the town hall, I saw many black blurs driving into the shingles part of town, then seeing them becoming wholly engulfed in the inferno and subsequently disappearing like those massive victims of army ants who get picked away at such high speed until there's nothing left. Turning my eyes elsewhere to see Westtown, I saw high walls made of furniture which could have come from that crappy film Les Miserables. On those furniture walls, I made out figures fighting and fiercely waving the banner of Auchterturra. I wasn't sure what to make of what I was seeing, then suddenly, from the flaming clouds came cleansing rain. I saw rainbows form across the flaming town, and a beautiful beam of light broke through the dark clouds shining on one of the many banners of Auchterturra.
Suddenly, I heard banging, banging, banging. My eyes opened; I'd spent a day and ½ in one of the police station cells. It had been a long time since last I had spent time in Tamson station, and it still stank of cheap cleaning alcohol. The banging had come from Dáh, who had come to wake me up, and I asked him: "what the bloody hell happened and who had the bright idea of clanking me out?"
Dáh, somewhat amused, ignored my question and told me: "Fingers message arrived"
"Good to know. Who clunked me out?" Returned I to Dáh, and eventually, Dáh kindly explained that due to the madness about to happen, it was felt that for me to be safe, it was better that I was out of the fray.
Exiting the cell, I heard a strange sound: PC Tamson's voice mumbling something. I had totally forgotten about PC Tamson, we'd clunked him out and locked him up for the entirety of the siege, and the only thing we left him for entertainment-wise was a recording of someone explaining in minute detail how to work a remote control on repeat. We may have actually driven PC Tamson mad (if that was possible), and looking into his cell, I saw him in the back, mumbling the exact same words as the remote-control recording. PC Tamson was in perfect sync with the recording and was kind of weird because he sounded better at doing the job of explaining how to use a remote control. Looking away, I turned to Dáh and asked: "what the hell happened to him?"
"I think we broke him." Replied Dáh. Amused, I said: "can you break already damaged goods?" With that, Dáh and I had a wee laugh and exited the police station. I expected to see a town after a battle with some ruins, but everything was normal. It was as if nothing happened. Auchterturra was entirely and utterly back to normal.
