My Enigma

Chapter Two

(Auroras POV)

I honestly did not want to come to school today or this week for that matter but mum forced me to and wanted me to start going outside more and well it doesn't get better than going to school every day, note the sarcasm.

I haven't been in contact with my closest friends since the funeral, not because they didn't try but because I pushed them away. I'm not proud of it but when Levi died I lost a piece of myself and that put me in a really dark place and honestly, I'm still drowning in the darkness.

My friends wouldn't understand that and they'd have wasted their time trying to make me feel better and I did not want that. They tried coming over to hang out a few times but I never let them in and after a while, they stopped coming. I don't want or ever needed anyone's pity and plus I was and still am depressed and I just needed to be by myself for a while and so I did what I usually do when I'm going through something, I shut them out.

It's not like I did not want them around, I just did not want to infect them with my negativity plus how could I possibly start having fun while guilt and grief plagued me?

Just between us though, I miss them. Connor and Hanna Butler have been my best friends for as long as I can remember, It's wrong to call them friends they're more like family, and now that I'm in a better mental space I regret pushing them away and I don't know If they'll ever want to talk to me again after the silent treatment but if they won't then it's okay I've gotten used to being by myself anyway.

As I said before, I really don't want to be here. Do you sometimes feel like you don't have the energy for anything or anyone?

Well, that's me right now.

The only reason why I haven't ditched is that I know Levi would have hated that and so bearing that in mind, I make my way towards the busy school hallway that leads to my locker.

"Isn't she the girl that lost her brother?" I hear someone say and when I turn around, I find a clique of girls looking at me with pity in their eyes.

I didn't want nor need their pity and plus why would they even be talking about me?

I decide to ignore them and continue walking towards my locker only this time I'm feeling a little bit self-conscious, who else has been talking about me, and what exactly have they been saying? I wonder if they know the truth about what really happened that day...

I feel my hands shaking as the memory of that day forces its way into my mind, my heart is pounding so hard and I start to feel my throat close up. I can barely breathe and I put my right hand on my chest and hope it helps me breathe a little better. I know what's happening, I'm having a panic attack, it isn't anything new but it sucks every time it happens, I rush to the washroom because I don't want anyone to see me like this and hide in one of the stalls.

I breathe in slowly, deeply, and gently through my nose and breathe out slowly, deeply, and gently through my mouth as my therapist taught me and I keep on repeating the same exercise until I feel calm again.

After about five minutes, I hear footsteps and then a knock on the door.

"Is everything alright?" A voice I know too well asks.

I compose myself and then open the door to find Hanna, Hanna Butler. The best friend that I had cut off, a pang of guilt hits me and I can barely form the words to make a sentence. What would you say to someone you cut off when all they were trying to do was be there for you?

She was looking at me expecting an answer and when I didn't give one she said " Well, I was checking to see if you're alright, I saw you running here earlier and you didn't seem okay. I'll leave you to it then. " and starts leaving.

"Wait, please don't go," I say, I want to grab her arm but it would be gross considering that I was just in the washroom and I haven't watched my hands yet.

"I'm sorry. I'm so sorry for pushing you away." I tell her and I really hope she takes it because right now that's all I can offer.

"It sucks that you didn't give me the chance to be there for you but at the same time I totally understand that you needed your space to grieve." She says and I feel a little bit relieved.

"So, you're not mad?" I ask her fearing the answer.

"Of course I am and you're going to have to earn my forgiveness by buying me a chocolate milkshake after school for the rest of the week." She says smiling and just like that I know we are good.

"It would be my pleasure," I say happily.

"Seriously though, Are you okay?" She asks worriedly.

"Yeah. It was just a panic attack. I'll be okay." I assure her.

"Yeah, you will." She says and hugs me tightly.

It feels really nice to have her back in my life and I'm so glad and happy that she understood me and accepted my apology without being angry.

"Should we head to class now?" I ask her and before she can answer the bell rings as if on cue.

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Love,

Alegna.