See ya

Ali

Acknowledgment.

It might seem like a simple thing, a nod to the doorman when you enter a building, a waiter bring you a menu when you sit down at a restaurant.

However often times, the simply things are what root us in this thing called life. They are what we crave, and what can break us when deprived of them.

It was something I learned early on, coming from a family of two composed my mother and I. We'd always had a love hate relationship. We both cared too much. Looking back on it, it was both a flaw and gift.

A gift because to truly appreciate someone and be able to make them happy, to be part of that, is the most beautiful thing in the world.

And a flaw because sometimes you can get so transfixed on that feeling that you forget what created that moment.

In my case so transfixed on the source of that happiness, that you forget that what you remember is all but a memory. And people don't stay the same as in your memories. To fixate on what the cause of the other person's happiness is, is to ignore what it may have become. And if it has changed, that fixation will bring nothing but pain.

That was our downfall, my mother and I. She loved me, and I loved her. My source of passion had always been art, ever since I could remember. She would tell me stories of all the pages I would draw when I was little. Proudly waving them around when she got home from work at night for her to see. It was my passion. And then one day I just didn't, I didn't love it anymore. The sparkle in my eyes faded, and it became a chore, something g I simply did because I knew how to do it, and quite frankly I was good at it. I'd even garnered myself a healthy following on Instagram from it, going as far as to make a few bucks here and there on side jobs for clients.

I had never been the most outgoing or social. Words sometimes just felt too heavy to say. I preferred listening, and I was content with that.

Sports were never my thing, but I did try to keep up a semi-consistent workout and running routine to keep me active. Make those endorphins happy as mom would say. And I was content with that too.

The three main things in my life were my mom, school and art. And I was ok with that. Perfectly happy.

But when I lost that luster for art...
I felt like I had lost myself.

It may sound dramatic to you, but to me art was literally my social life. No joke.

All I had left was my mom.

And school. Need I say more.

Depressing right.

I fell into a sort of slump you might say. And during that time I looked to the one thing I loved most, the person who was now truly my everything. My mom.

And she looked back at me with sad eyes, an unsaid wish in them that she could take all the pain away. So she searched her memory for my smiling face. For my bright eyes. And for what had caused that.

We didn't say a word that day, but I knew the conclusion she had come to. Art.

Subtly at first, a clean room with my sketchpad and favorite pencil on my desk when I got home. Little remarks about how much she or others loved my past works. My response became a pained smile.

I could see the hope fading in her eyes. I was her main source of happiness, after all. And eventually she snapped.

That's what kept me coming back, after all the insults, all the slander.

He might not enjoy my presence...

But at least he acknowledges it.

So I would be back the next day. Ready for whatever he might hurl at me. Of course I always hoped that we might one day have a normal conversation. Even just a hi, and a bit about our day. To be honest even though all I'd heard was harsh, I felt I had learned some things about the angry hospital boy called Brian. And truth be told I felt a part of him was broken too, and that's why he tried so hard to not get close to others. But I wasn't gonna put all my hopes on that. Maybe once I would have. Would have naively run along in the darkness, after a spot of light. The kind you see when you're in a pitch black room, and can't tell if it's really there or not. That girl, that's no longer me.

I could work with this. Like I said, I would take anything over nothing.