The Cuckoo's Song

Chapter Thirty-Two

Laid back in the long grass, Anna stared up at the sky. She should be inside, celebrating her first wedding anniversary. The sounds of Aaron and his grandmother helping Ma and Vera to decorate carried to her across the field. The boys were off playing with Elli not too far away; hopefully Dick was keeping an eye on them. Sam and Hollywood had even made it for the occasion and were likely a bottle of bourbon in with Abe already.

And here she was, hiding from them all.

She kept trying to tell herself that the years before now had been far more unkind... that being with Abe and Elli should be enough. Yet, she was so haunted by her life before, painful images swirling around her subconscious. Her stupid decisions might have cost her more than she could ever have imagined. She had lost Karl, Freddie... Hans.

Reina was the all-pervading torment today though.

Had she not told the Standartenführer, then maybe she would have escaped with her daughter... somehow. More than that, she would not have the troubles she had no choice but to face in this new life.

Anna and Abe had been so excited to discover she was pregnant again. She couldn't exactly pin point it to the wonderful day they had spent in their empty house, but she chose to believe that that is what brought them their miracle.

It was so short lived.

They had moved into the house by the end of May, Ma already knitting blankets for the new arrival. She was so excited. They all were. Yet, as June turned to July, Anna awoke with that all too familiar sensation. It had taken days of scrubbing the sheets to get rid of all the blood. She couldn't stand to see it there... just another reminder that she had lost another child. She had truly believed that their love and happiness would prevail. Those ghosts from a time before their joy had crept into their life and stolen it from them.

Perhaps she wasn't supposed to have a happy ending. Maybe this was penance for all the lies she told... the hurt she had caused. She was too tainted.

Anna struggled to talk to Abe about it. He got so upset every time she said it. She knew he meant well when he told her it wasn't her fault, but he simply didn't understand.

She was healthy once; healthy enough to carry Reina.

But she tested Ernst's anger and it was her daughter that paid the price. Every Doctor she had spoken to had made it plain that it was the damage he had bestowed that was the problem. Why had she been so selfish as to try and bring Hans and Karl back to her? She should have kept her focus on Elli and Reina. She had told herself that it was because they would get her out... that she was doing it to save everyone.

That wasn't true.

The truth was, she was so desperately lonely. If she was brutally honest with herself, it wasn't even Karl she was trying to reach. She had wanted Hans. She had wanted him back with her. How could she? He had left her sister to die and her to suffer Ernst and his affections. And yet all she had thought about was his arms around her again, his voice in her ear and the warmth of his touch.

Tears spilled silently down her cheeks, Anna wiping them away. She had kept all of these thoughts at bay since they had arrived in America. She had been so happy... she was ready for the quiet, contented life she thought she deserved. She was wrong. That darkness that lived in her was ruining everything, especially Abe's dreams. Her poor, darling Abraham. She loved him like no one else. And yet he had to suffer her misgivings. She hated herself for trapping him.

Someone walked lazily through the grass towards her.

Anna sighed heavily. She still wasn't ready to see anyone. Glancing over to the approaching figure, she was surprised to see Hollywood smiling at her. She made to get up, but he shook his head, lying next to her instead. He stretched out, his arms behind his head. Anna could smell the sweet scent of bourbon on him. It mingled perfectly with the light summer sweat and musky cigar smoke. She'd really welcomed that smell in Berchtesgaden; she liked having her friend close by.