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chapter ten phantom pains
When the doctors asked Sabrina where it hurts, she says all over. But they're just phantom pains from timelines that no longer exist.
Sabrina hangs by a thread during the wake that follows the fall of the Hong Kong Sanctum. Dying has changed her perception of death and it only makes her feel worse to know that she had died a hundred times and came out alive, while the rest that had died protecting the world are scattered across the world in a million tiny pieces. (They burn their bodies because that is how it is done at Kamar-Taj). There was always a part of Sabrina that wished she would die before anyone else so that she would not have to live with the grief that death inevitably leaves behind. Grief is heavy, but Sabrina has people to share the load with this time.
Mordo doesn't return, and Sabrina shuts down. That's the best way to describe the state that she finds herself in. She doesn't speak to anybody for weeks. She seems to be more of a ghost than anything and for a long time, the only times she leaves her bedroom is to find food in the kitchens. She finds herself in her own sort of time loop. She sleeps, she wakes, and she walks—and that's even if she can sleep. Some nights were spent staring at the void of her ceiling and relive those moments in the Dark Dimension because there is nothing else that she can do.
Sabrina uses this time to grieve more viscerally than she does before. She has a lot to grieve for this time; the person she had been before this war, the chances she lost to forgive The Ancient One the moment she died, the love that she lost when Mordo turned his back on them back in Hong Kong (they don't think they will ever be able to forget the look of disgust), her own life which had been ended more times than she can count. She doesn't know if it is selfish or not to grieve her own life—she was alive, after all—but it had been real, oh so real. The pain had been visceral, but there are no scars to show for it ever happening. In a way, Sabrina is glad that she is not left with any physical reminders of what had happened in the Dark Dimension, but sometimes, Sabrina wishes that there were. That way, she would feel less guilty about grieving her own death.
She and Stephen don't talk about it. Mainly because Sabrina cannot bring herself to speak. She knows that he cares about her. Possibly even more than she realizes. She knows that when she is ready, Stephen will be willing to talk about it with her. They only have each other when it concerns their time in the Dark Dimension. Death is something that Sabrina cannot properly articulate. It helps to talk to someone who has a shared experience. Someone who understands you on a more fundamental level than anybody else.
During the first few days of Sabrina's shutdown, she vows to herself to never love again because eventually, it is love that tears us all apart. It was love that left her with scars. It was love that caused her death, over and over again. It was love that kept secrets from her and eventually corroded one of the only stable relationships she had ever had. Love hurts more than death, Sabrina thinks. Never again will she put herself through the pain of love. She breaks the vow though because it is impossible to live without love. After all, it's out of love that Stephen knocks on her door to check in on her. It's out of love that Wong leaves tea and food outside of her door. It's out of love that Stephen and Wong propose that she moves to the New York Sanctum with them.
