its 1:11 am
im tired but i cant sleep.
i just finished a really good wbwl harry potter. ill link it later.
dont mind my spelling mistakes.
i have school tomorrow.
is it a bad thing that wattpad is better that therapy?
i keep getting this weird sketchers add of a animater mouth with two gold teeth chewing colour changing shoes.
my arms hurt. my eyes hurt.
theres a weird hole in my toenail.
everyone at my table in art class is afraid of me.
its 1:15 AM
my heart hurts.
or mabye its my chest.
i dont know.
theres a lot of things i dont know. that scares me.
other kids are afraid of the dark, im afraid of a lack of knowlage.
so i surround myself with books instead of people.
i dont trust people. they stab you in the back. so i trust my books and my internet family that my mom would kill me (litrally) if she knew of.
its 1:20 AM
my mom and i dont get along.
i wasnt abused or neglected in any way, but ive had a horrible childhood.
i havnt had a childhood at all since i was 4-5.
you see kids at the park smiling and laughing and i put up my mask. i smile and laugh too, but not for real. if anyone cared to look, they would see it doesnt reach my eyes.
i only truly smile with my friends. my soulsisters. my true family.
its 1:24 AM
i havent seen them in a while. my mom dragged my whole blood 'family' -bar my dad- halfway across the country to maryland.
i only show true emotion in front of my true family.
i dont break down often.
why cant people see, JUST how HARD i try for THEM.
its 1:29 AM
people call me cold.
they call me names. it hurts, but i dont let it show.
thats the first lesson i had learned from Belladonna and Lorelei.
they taught me everything that matters.
who needs long divison when you know 27 ways to kill?
its 1:38 AM
long divison sucks.
school sucks.
life sucks.
you get used to it.
that doesnt make it hurt less.
watching people who are able to genuinely laugh while youre pushed aside.
when they get what they want, when all you want is a cat.
an animal that will, no matter what, always come back to you.
they hold grudges, but they care more then they let on.
its 1:42 AM
people and animals like me always care more then they let on.
we withold to survive.
to protect those who we love.
i need to go read a good angst and then try to sleep.
again.
SONG DEDICATION: Fix You By Coldplay
Words: 450
Date: 9/7/2022
