Am I still?

Chapter 9

Tay's POV

I'm currently sitting on the sand at the sea side thinking of the things I did in the past. It's been a year and it still hurts like hell.

I hope he's happy with him.

I wish that time had a better timing for you and me.

I close my eyes and just breath the salty air.

"Are you okay?"

"I'm fine"

How many times did I say I was fine. But am I really fine? I said it was fine but I never said it didn't hurt.

"Does it still hurt?"

I open my eyes and look at the vast sea in front of me. Does it still hurt?

"Yes" and it always will. "And I hope I could turn back the time to make it all alright"

He stayed silent beside me and we both admired the sunset.

I stand up and look at the horizon where the sun is making it's exit.

I wish we had more time together or maybe we were just meant to be a lesson to each other.

I turn my back from the descending sun and made my way to the small hut where me, Ken, and Big is living for the past year.

And yes Big is not dead and I found tnem during my darkest days.

I fled far away and I ended up in this small island. Gin brought me here. He knew that Big was alive not too long ago and he brought me here to recuperate and find myself and also to mend my broken heart.

The first few nights that I was here all I did was cry and wallow inside the bedroom. I couldn't even eat and function properly. My parents have no idea where I am only Gin, Tawan and Milan are the persons who know where I am. Through the time that I am here I develop an eating disorder so I became thin. I am not the way I used to be. This body of mine feels so foreign.

I want the old me back. Is it still possible?

*Knock*

"Dinner is ready" Ken is at the threshold looking at me blankly. The sound of dinner is so tempting and the smell of food wafting in the air makes me hungry but there is an eerie reminder from the bottom of my stomach that I can't. I hold my abdomen and pinch it so hard. Even if it hurts all I did is just close my eyes and when I open them I saw Ken looking at me worriedly.

I smile at him and shook my head slightly, indicating that I won't be joining then. Ken sighed but still close the door and left me all alone in this room. Alone, yes I am all alone now.

I approached my bed and took a sit beside my bed and hug my knees. When will I be happy? Will I ever be happy again.

I lean my head on my bed and then look at the window where the twinkling stars decorate the night sky.

Can I be a star? Just twinkling in the night sky not bothering about anything but just be pretty.

Do you miss me? Did you even search for me when I left? Just like you did with him.

It hurts so much to know that the person who made so much memories with you becomes a mere memory.

The happy memories hurt me so much. Can I just forget everything?

I fell asleep sitting at the bedside and when I woke up my body is aching due to the weird position I slept last night.

I did my morning routine and then head outside not bothering to eat and proceeded to the wet market. I once own a hotel but here I am now working at someone else's hotel as a cleaner. I miss my old life. I miss the old Tay but I can't seem to go back. I can't go back.