Tied Together

Chapter 18: Graveyard

"Don't leave me behind."

***

I notice the little things.

Like when someone cuts their hair or changes their clothing style. I notice when people's smiles are fake and when they lie. I notice when people have crushes and how they respond to them. I notice the little things.

I am unconsciously always reading the room. Reading emotions and physical behaviours. Watching facial expressions and twitches of muscles. I can't help it, It just... happens. It's been like this since I was a kid. I had to read the room quick and accurately. You had to if you grew up where I did. Most people in my area carry knives and have not-so-nice personalities. 

Growing up with my Mother, her words were sharper than a knife. Life hardened her, made her cold. Made me cold. Forced me to read the room.

Now I unconsciously look for potential threats everywhere I go. Physical or mental threats. I watch visual cues and read way too much into behaviours. It's draining. 

So, it doesn't surprise me how much I noticed Ray's permanent frown and the shadow under his eyes. The way his eyes are drifting shut while the teacher talks and his friends have to keep nudging him awake. That his dimples that appear when he smiles and deepens when he laughs are not there.

And no matter how much I try I can't turn my awareness of Ray off. I am always going to notice him. I will always be aware of what he is wearing, what mood he is in, and what he is doing. It is aggravating and I wish I could turn it off. But it doesn't work like that. Either the button exists or it doesn't work.

I try to take in my surroundings, to do anything that gets my mind off him and this sinking feeling in my stomach. Nature isn't foreign to me. We are quite familiar.

When I was 12 when my Mum lost her job and we were homeless for 3 weeks. The longest 3 weeks of my life. I learned a lot during that time. Any fear I had about insects I was forced to face in our shitty tent that was illegally set up in a park.

It was a nightmare at first. I had a great dislike for bugs as a kid. But in no time until I was making friends with Beatles and less suspicious of spiders I thought were trying to eat me.

So I can do this.

I can endure the mud, insects, and camp stuff just fine. Easily actually. Unlike the majority of the class who look to be struggling in the wilderness.

I was homeless for godsake— this should be a walk in the park. This should be easy.

But it is not. Being near him and him being mad at me is difficult. It sucks being forced to be in the same group as him and Lily. Harder than facing any spider and Beatle I have encountered.

It could be worse. MUCH worse. I know this. So why is my body is twitching and tense and sweating nervously? Why am I so anxious?

This is out of my expertise. I can do shitty Dad's, dodgy dangerous neighbourhoods, and temporary homelessness. But boys who I kissed the other day and have not talked to since and there's a weird tension?

Out of my comfort zone. Out of my experience.

But, it's not out of Lily's. It's well in her comfort zone talking to Ray. Trying to touch Ray. Knowing Ray. And that makes this so much harder.

I don't know how to deal with conflict. I mean look at my Dad and me, one argument that built up for 17 years and exploded last year. We haven't talked since. Not a word. Not even a birthday message.