[Set scene—since this will be used by the end of either chapter 38 0r 39: so Sawyer’s being all nice and sweet to Kodi and, finally, she just can’t take it anymore.]
“Stop!” I finally burst. “Please, just….” I looked up at him, refusing to lose eye contact. He deserved better than me looking away. “I kissed Leander.”
He drew in a slow breath. Then, nodding, he said two words that shocked the hell out of me, “I know.”
[So that’s the END of a chapter—this is the beginning of the following chapter, which I wrote in the middle of the night :P I changed the outcome of this in the actual chapter in "Eenie Meenie", but this was a good foundation to start with. I know it's technically in the book, and I said I wouldn't do that, but there are parts in it that are way different.]
I stared at Sawyer for a long time. I would have thought he was lying just to appear as if he hadn’t been completely thrown. But the way he said it, I know, it was like he’d been expecting me to cave this entire time—or worse; he’d been expecting me to give into Leander.
“What do you mean you know?” I asked slowly, shaking a little. “You were gone, you were…” I swallowed. “You told me you left.”
Hands in his pockets, Sawyer simply shrugged. “I was going to surprise you. I was going to wait until you got back and then we’d drive up to Pigeon Forge later, if that’s what you wanted.”
A terrible feeling began to reside within the pit of my stomach as I stood there, helpless to do anything but listen.
“So,” he continued, “I waited for you to get home. By the time I noticed you were back, though, you were talking with Verona…..and then you weren’t talking at all.”
There was something so heartbreaking about the way he was speaking to me. It was very resigned and matter-of-fact; like he had expected nothing less.
“Sawyer, I’m so sorry,” I began in a rush, almost in tears. “I didn’t plan anything, I swear. It was just….one minute I was yelling at him and the next…” Wincing, I stopped myself before I hurt him further. “I’m so sorry. I never meant to hurt you….”
“I know you didn’t,” he said calmly. How could he be so blasé? I would be furious right now if I were in his shoes! “I don’t think you maliciously planned for Leander at all. But that’s kind of the point, isn’t it?”
“What is?” I asked quietly.
“The entire appeal. It’s not planned. You don’t know what to expect when you’re around him. Versus with me….It’s practically all sorted out what the next move is.”
“No!” I sputtered, making as if to grab his hand. But I stopped myself midway, awkwardly letting my arm draw back to my side. “No, Sawyer, that’s not it.” Liar, my inner demon screamed at me. Sawyer was dead on. I hadn’t known it, exactly, until he’d said it; but it was true. And I hated Leander and myself more than ever because of it.
Sawyer smiled sadly, the sight absolutely eating at my heart’s core. He saw right through me. He always had. “I’d like to believe that, Kodi. I really would. But…” And here his gentleman demeanor faltered a bit with a somewhat bitter chuckle. “You’ve never kissed me like that.”
I looked away angrily, hot tears biting at the corners of my eyes. I wasn’t mad at Sawyer. No, far from it. He made it absolutely impossible to feel any sort of anger towards him. I was furious with myself for being so weak. How could I have done that to Sawyer? He deserved so much better than my conflicted self! And he deserved better than to have seen that shameful scene.
But for once I wasn’t mad at Leander. And that alone had me on fumes.
“I wanted this to work,” I whispered, studying my hands, “so badly….”
I felt Sawyer’s hand wrap around mine. He waited until I looked back up at him to say, “I know you did. Look, I was pushy. Clearly you weren’t over him and I just refused to acknowledge it.”
I clutched his hand so tight it made him jerk back for a second. “Don’t you dare pit this on yourself. This is all my fault, okay? Just mine.”
Sawyer smiled without humor. “Kodi, come on. You of all people know not any one person can be held accountable.”
He was being too fair. And, damnit, it was pissing me off! How could I argue with him? I wanted—I needed him to be furious towards me. I wanted him to yell at me, to tell me horrible things I already knew about myself. I deserved to feel lower than dirt. I deserved his harsh words and valid anger.
“It’ll never work, you know that, right?” I murmured finally. “Whatever this stupid thing with me and Leander is….it’s nothing real. It never will be. Not like you.”
“Well,” he said, “you know where I’ll be when he’s exhausted his efforts to make it up to you.”
I shook my head quickly. “No. You can’t do that to yourself. I don’t deserve to be waited for, Sawyer. Don’t wait for me.”
For a minute, Sawyer just stared at me, blinking. And then for the first time that day he really did look angry. His eyes drew closer together in a frown, eyes going darker. “Why do you do that? Why don’t you think you’re good enough for anything? If being with me will leave any imprint on you at all, it should be that you are worth it. God, you frustrate me to hell when you talk like that! You really have no idea…” He stopped abruptly.
“Look,” he went on after a long pause. “I know that I’m not supposed to be on the guy’s side—and, quite frankly, I really hate his guts right now. But,” he added when I opened my mouth to argue, “I really think Leander’s coming to his senses. At least a little bit. Whatever you choose to do with Leander is your business now. But I don’t think a real relationship is impossible.”
I didn’t agree with him. Leander and I were too similar to ever stay together. Between the two of us, we had enough baggage to last years of a miserable relationship. It would be cosmic chaos.
[This was the last excerpt! Hopefully I can look through some old files and find some "Missed Me" excerpts! Hannah]
