Always Your Nobody

Chapter 1

It's crazy how I knew every inch of you but felt as if I was walking through a maze.

Looking at you was like looking at the sun. I feel warmth and radiance. I'm not sure how someone could represent so much, it feels almost unnatural how my entire being wanted to be engulfed in you.  I have been looking at you since 3rd grade and you haven't once looked my way. Why? Is it because I'm not in the popular cult or is it because I could be everything you have been looking for?

"TAYLOR," someone gripped my back and yelled.

"Ahh," I screamed. I turned around and realized it was my best friend, Peyton.

We have been best friends since the womb, literally. My mom and hers were best friends, the same as us since the womb. We're all generations of friends, Peyton and I got lucky and we share the same birth date. If we didn't have different DNA some would call us sisters. But, I, Taylor am 5'6,  Indian and introverted while Peyton is also 5'6 but, Black and extroverted.

"If a heart attack is apart is expected if we're friends, then I forfeit my application."

"Oh shut up you love heart attack or no heart attack." She's right if she asked me to kill someone I would do it without hesitation or questions.

"Sooo," she said while pushing my shoulder. I swat her hand, " Soooo what?"

"I got us invites to Alicia's exclusive spring break party!"

I just stared at her blankly. Irritated she said, "Dude what we haven't been to any parties all last semester, and it's junior year."

I continued to stare at her. "And," while waving my hand so, she could come up with a better excuse.

"And we-" (BELL RINGS)  The sound of my savior rung, the transition bell. "Okay byeee," I said while trying to scurry away from this conversation I didn't care for. While trying to navigate the unholy chaos of teenagers trying to get to their next class, I heard from behind me Peyton yell, "WE WILL TALK ABOUT THIS LATER." Yeah, okay but there's no way I'm going to that party, it's just going to be filled with alcohol, drunken idiots, and deafening music which is going to eventually have to be turned down because cops are going to come and try to bust the party but end up being bribed and tell them to "Just turn it down." It's stupid as much I would love to have fun and be a dumb teenager for once, but I can't.

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I entered Mr. Bever's AP Calculus class which is somehow filled with idiot seniors who couldn't tell the difference between their ass and mouth. And then I saw him, sitting at his desk talking to some other students. Eliot; embodied the word Greek god which is a cliché but somehow made it work. His presence radiated everything safe but forbidden. It's as if he's like the male embodiment of medusa's curse. Looking at him is so tempting like crack is for a recovering addict. But, you knew the consequence of looking into his eyes but also the reward of falling into a beautiful trap.

And just my luck this semester I sit behind him which also means I have to cross between him just to get to my desk. I felt my hands become clammy and my legs feel like slime. I didn't want my infatuation with him to be so embedded in my insecurity but it is. The urge to fix myself and curse myself out for putting a bun in my hair and having the worst dark circles that not even my most expensive concealer could fix.

But, I gathered every strength in my body which didn't feel like a lot, and started to walk. One small step for women, one giant step for all the girls in the shadows.

I inched closer to him and also my desk, I saw him shift himself and look at me. I almost passed out from how much serotonin flooded my body from that one glance. That look was like my entire desire for him wrapped up in that one look. I didn't even fully process it because I heard someone say "My bad." He spoke, he spoke to me. If I was now aware of everything around my mouth would have been on the floor. "That's okay," I said almost completely inaudible but he somehow heard me and nodded his head. Omg.  I walked in between him and the guy he was talking to.

"Welcome back everyone to AP Cal," Mr. Bevers said as he finally walked into class. Everyone sat at their desk and somehow I sat too because for the last minute I have just been staring at him. He acknowledges me, haha. I didn't know if I would explode, hopefully all on him, or stand there like a statue.

The entire 45 minutes of class I just looked at him, well the back of his head. When I was supposed to be learning about whatever the teacher was talking about, I was just thinking about what his hair would feel like between my fingers, gripping it and tugging on it. All I wanted at that moment was to feel him which felt crazy because I just had my first interaction with him even though we have in school with each for years. But, I didn't care I wanted to know everything that he did with the tongue that was in his perfect mouth; the way his tongue feel in my mouth or the way it would feel against my - (BELL RINGS)

______

Thank the gods that AP Calculus was my last class of the day because my thoughts would have made me turn them into reality if I spent another second in his presence. And I'm not saying that I wouldn't want it to happen, I just want a little time to see if he's going to notice me again. Because if he only knew.

I said goodbye to Peyton who made sure that I knew I was going to be in a lengthy call when I get home. I grab all my stuff out of my locker and started to walk down the hallway when I got a call from my mom, "Hurry up I don't have all the time in the world." "I know I'm walking out rig-." I suddenly felt a huge thud against my body as I turned the corner which led to me ending up on the floor. I didn't know what I hit but they were about to have my foot up their ass in 2 seconds.

"Excuse me," I hear in the most annoying voice ever.

If my day couldn't be better, it could definitely get worse. I realized from that horrible fake voice I bumped into Megan, who literally embodies dumb blonde somehow for a brunette. "Well your excuse, " I said as I got myself and my phone up, hearing my mom on the other asking what happened.

"What was that?"

"Nothing." I just rolled my eyes and walked away because no way am I about to entertain a conversation with a 17-year-old with the vocabulary of a valley girl which is crazy because we live in Evanston, Illinois.

I continued to walk until I hit the door where I so graciously saw my mother who was pissed because I didn't respond to her when she was talking. I walked to the car preparing to have my ass handed to me. "So, have we gone deaf or mute?" and here we go.  "I'm sorry okay somebody bumped into me and I dropped my phone."

"So that's an excuse for why we can respond?'

"No, it isn't. She was talking to me and I just got irritated so, I accidentally hung up the phone."

She gave me the look that would have Hitler running away, "Accidently?"

"Yeah."

"Hmm."

I knew this wasn't the end of it. I wasn't going to be allowed out of the house for weeks and my phone gone, unless for what she calls "emergencies." This is basically if you alone and I can't get to you to take it away in case your going to be murdered and need to call her. It's a lot I know but, I have been through this my whole life I have learned to live without outside and my phone, unlike most gen z.

We decided to ride in our comfort connection music the only time I'm not having my ass put on a platter. I decided to take the last few minutes of my phone freedom and scroll Instagram. I was just scrolling and scrolling when the amazing idea was to check my future destined soulmates' Instagram. I went to his story; I basically died and came back because low and behold a shirtless pic, if only I could touch the very unnatural body that was on display. I scrolled to his pics and saw my favorite one: him with his lacrosse uniform on holding a trophy. I decided to zoom into his very sweaty face of his when I accidentally liked it. The horror and dread spread through my body because not only are we not friends on Instagram, but it's also a pic from 2 years ago.

Okay just unlike it but for the genius but now stupid brain of Mark Z's the notification probably already came through nooooo.

New Text:

'did u jus like a pic of mine from 2 years ago? 💀'