Loki Laufeyson - Saviour {2}

Chapter Three - I'm a Monster

I didn't know where I was going, everything was spinning and warping around me. I bumped into several walls, but I could barely even feel it. Memories of HYDRA were flashing by at a rapid pace in my head, making me even more dizzy as I tried to stay up right.

Everyone knew my weaknesses now, I was vulnerable. They would attack me at any time and they could take me down easily. I was defenceless. I was unstable.

No. They wouldn't attack me. They cared for me, didn't they? They wouldn't hurt me.

But the easiest way to attack someone was when they were vulnerable. I could barely even stand up straight now. Someone could easily take me down.

I needed to get away from here, away from my thoughts. I needed fresh air.

I managed to find a door and pushed it open, stumbling outside and collapsing onto grass, my knees barely feeling the impact as I bent over with my head on my knees as I tried to stop everything from spinning. I took in heavy, shaking breaths as I held back the queasy feeling in my stomach. I felt my chest tightened as my breathing began to turn into sobs, my hands clenched tightly under my chest. Tears began to pour out of my face and I felt my fire pricking along my arms, but I was too focused on not throwing up my guts as everything continued to spin.

"Emily?" Called a voice and I felt someone gently touch my back, causing me to lurch to the side in fear, ending up on my back with Nat crouching down next to me. "God Em, are you okay?"

I didn't say anything, my throat was too tight for me to even breathe properly as I scrambled away from her, coughing heavily.

"Em, relax please." She wisely stayed where she was. "You have to calm down. You can't breathe."

I couldn't calm down. I was blazing with fire and everything was still warped around me. I couldn't tell up from down, right from left. My stomach heaved and moments later, I threw up everything I had last eaten at HYDRA, which had been that pathetic plate of over cooked rice and chicken.

Someone's hand was on my back again, holding me up when my shaking weak limbs couldn't as I threw up over the grass. The someone, who I guessed was Nat, gently held my limp greasy hair out of my face, offering me a tissue from her pocket as I finally finished throwing up. She carefully lent me against her and I shakily took the tissue from her hand, gulping in breaths of fresh air as I wiped my mouth.

"Feel better?" She asked after a couple of minutes as my heavily breaths began to lessen. I nodded shakily and she tucked my hair behind me ear.

"Don't feel ashamed." She said, surprisingly comforting. "We aren't holding this against you." I remained silent and she continued. "And we won't use this against you either. I know you are thinking that. I was the same as well."

I looked up at her curiously, wiping the stray tears that had escaped my eyes.

"I was once part of HYDRA." She said briefly. "But a different program to you. I won't talk about it now. But I know how you feel."

I looked away from her again and moved away from her, sitting up on my own. I took a deep breath and swept back up my hair, some strands sticking to my sweaty forehead. Nat pulled a hairband off her wrist and handed it to me, causing me to give her a small smile as I tied my hair back.

"Are you ready to go back?" She asked me gently and I looked down at my hands before slowly nodding. I couldn't hide forever.

As I stood up shakily, Nat put one of my arms around her shoulders and I leaned against her a little, not wanting to seem too weak. We slowly walked back into the compound and quietly opened up the front door, only to see everyone was standing around. Pepper jumped up immediately and I flinched the tiniest bit from the sudden movement, but I let her wrap me into a hug. She pulled away and put her hands on both of my shoulders, her eyes darting over me in a way that made me was to curl up and hide myself away.

"It is so good to see you again." She smiled happily before it dropped a little. "Are you okay? Tony told me everything." I nodded weakly and she stepped away from me as Tony stepped forward, Bruce following hesitantly behind him.

"Sorry about that." Tony smiled at me. "Nat made us realized that we probably went around it the wrong way."

"It's okay." I said quietly, looking down and twisting my hands nervously.

"The others had dinner before." Pepper spoke up quickly before Tony could say anything else. "But Tony, Bruce, Bucky and you still need to eat. Do you want me to grab a plate for you?"

"I'm okay." I shook my head. "I think I might go to bed.

No one said anything, despite me having already slept earlier on the day and I hurried up the staircase to my room, but didn't fall asleep. I sat on the balcony and stared across at the sun slowly sinking, but not quite setting yet. I breathed in the fresh air deeply and closed my eyes, keeping my senses on high alert in case there was an unexpected attack as I tried to calm my heart down.

I didn't go down for dinner and I only left the window to have a shower and change into my pajamas. I climbed into my bed, double checking that my gun and dagger under my pillow before I slid under the covers.

But I couldn't get to sleep, no matter how hard I tried to calm my on-edge body. I tossed and turned, and after several hours, I gave up and slowly crept out of my room, clipping my utility belt around my waist, the whole compound dark as I took the lift to the training room.

My whole body was buzzing with energy and I was hyperaware of everything around me. When I reached the training room, I was grateful to find that it was empty, though I doubted that anyone would be up at this time training. I pulled out three training dummies from the storage cupboards and set them up in various positions around the room. I could see that they already had several bullet holes in them. I loaded up my gun and readied my stance before aiming at the dummies and shooting them with exactly where I wanted. I shot all of the dummies in the head and they wobbled on their stands. I loaded up my gun again before doing the same thing again.

And again.

And again.

I knew it was wrong to find satisfaction in shooting the dummies but I couldn't help it as they bounced around on their stands with multiple bullet holes in their head. There was something comforting and familiar about the action and I couldn't stop myself. My muscles ached for the recoil of the gun, the satisfaction that I knew I had killed a target.

When I ran out of bullets, I instinctively pulled out my dagger, energy still buzzing inside me. I threw the knife with as much force as I could muster, and it imbedded itself deeply into where the dummy's heart should be.

Instantly I stopped, all of the pent up energy in me suddenly fading away as my stomach flopping uncomfortably. The dummy directly in front of me was completely covered in bullets holes and probably couldn't be used again. I slowly walked over the dummy, my legs feeling like lead. I pulled the dagger out of its chest and slid it slowly back into my belt before I sat down heavily on one of the benches. I hunching over as I put my head in my hands, fighting flash backs of the missions at HYDRA.

I was a monster.