Teaspoons and Promises (Deleted Scenes I: Erwin x Levi)

Leaving The World - Part 2

The cellar changed everything. And Erwin was fucking right. I wish more than anything he could be here to witness it, his dream coming true. The secrets in the cellar let us know there is a whole other world out there beyond the walls. Technologies and inventions we've never even dreamed of. Titan secrets uncovered that we never could have imagined.

Things inside the walls changed quickly. The people were informed of the secrets that had been kept from us for so long about the world in and beyond the walls. How our memories were wiped, the true identity and source of the titans, the people outside the walls who pray for our demise.

In the long run it's probably a good thing the people know the truth, but it's also created a lot of fear and uncertainty. How will we fight our enemies if they send reinforcements? They already have so many resources and understanding that are beyond anything we have ever seen. We might truly be fucked.

I can't help but wish Erwin was here with us now. He'd know how to handle all of this.

Then there's the ceremony. The people in charge got to sit back and wait and we got to go through hell and back, so here, have a fucking medal. But honestly, fuck the stupid bullshit ceremony. I don't feel like a hero. I feel like a fucking failure.

Somehow I managed to fall into sleep that first night after Shiganshina, probably from exhaustion. But I quickly fell into my worst nightmare, reliving the battle over and over again. All of my mistakes on replay for me to suffer through repeatedly. Losing him on a loop.

I haven't slept since.

I know I shouldn't but I sit late at night and stew, thinking about all of the things we should have done in battle instead. Feeling the absence of heat next to me when I lay under the sheets, staring at the ceiling and counting the seconds until morning. Hange joins me for tea now late at night sometimes. They tell me I shouldn't dwell on past mistakes. I know they mean well, but it's easier said than done.

Tonight is one of those nights. Spring has come around again, so tomorrow we leave for our next expedition. The Scouts will travel beyond the walls to where none of us have ever gone before, to what is supposed to be the sea. Our first encounter with anything beyond what we've known our whole lives.

It's nearly midnight and Hange and I sit in my living quarters, neither of us able to sleep. We've been put in a nicer place for now, closer to the inner city. I have a half-full cup of tea and Hange has some odd concoction that is supposed to help with the sleepless nights. Chamomile and something with a weird name I've never heard. I told them they needed to test it before I ever even considered being a guinea pig to whatever weird brew they've made.

"I can't believe we're doing this tomorrow." Hange says, sipping their drink. By the expression that quickly passes through their face I can tell the drink is disgusting. Hange will definitely need to find another test subject. I'm not going near that shit.

"Yeah, it's been a long time coming." I respond, fingers on the rim of my teacup as I bring it to my lips.

Hange sighs, "If only he were here to see it." Their eye meets mine. Hange's other eye ended up not being salvageable, so after the wounds healed they traded the bandages for an eyepatch. But if they were suffering you'd never know it. They are the same old Hange. They've always been a tough one. You have to be to survive all this shit.

"Yeah." I say, looking away, my mind drifting back to that house in Shiganshina. My throat tightens and without realizing it I stroke the ring on the chain around my neck through my shirt.

When we got back to the inner city the first thing I did was find a blacksmith. The man was nice enough. He didn't ask questions about the ring when I asked for the chain. I wouldn't have told him regardless but I paid him well for his discretion.

We each earned a large sum for our efforts in Shiganshina. I think they were planning on giving us less individually, expecting there to be more coming back. So now I have all of this silver and nothing to spend it on. Maybe if things had panned out differently we could've had a wedding after all. Something small with close friends.

Hange hasn't quite yet worked up the nerve to ask about the ring yet. I know they've seen the chain but I haven't exactly opened up about it either.

"Will you ever tell me about it?" Hange asks, eyeing my fingers against the outline of the ring under my shirt.

"I will. Eventually." I say, frowning. And I will. But I'm not ready yet. Maybe when all of this is over.

"Fair enough." Hange frowns, "Just keep in mind the Scouts have a tendency to have a shortened life span."

I snort, "I think we might both be immune to that misfortune." Hange rolls their eyes, but a smile tugs at their lips. I can always count on them to understand my humor, at least.

We sit in silence for a while as we finish our drinks, until Hange finally breaks the silence, "Do you think we'll ever be normal again?"

I purse my lips, thinking about my response, "I don't think either of us were normal to begin with."

"Asshole." Hange says, punching my arm playfully. They inspect their cup, empty now. Hange stands, yawning and stretching out their arms. "I think this special tea really is making me tired. I'm gonna try to get some sleep. You should too." They squeeze my shoulder and excuse themself from the room, shutting the bedroom door silently behind them.

Fat chance of that happening. I'll continue to sip my tea alone here, until the early sun makes its way through my bedroom window. And then we'll start preparing to set off to hopefully fulfill yet another Scouts' dream of a better world.

"If only he were here to see it."

I sigh to myself, thinking of Hange's words earlier as I pour another cup of tea.

Yeah, if only.

_________________________

We take a small group beyond the Wall the next morning, wary of wayward titans creeping around. We do come across one, but its sorry ass didn't make it very far. There are no others. They must have all already made it to the Wall. Or died.

The terrain quickly changes as we ride on. Mountains growing bigger on the horizon. Then grass slowly fading away into shallow hills of sand, the heat surrounding us. But it's not a humid heat like within the walls, it's dry and stale.

Together we ride on towards the horizon, horse hooves beating against the sand. There is a small section of a stone wall up ahead, where the sand meets the sky and leaden rock. It's not a closed loop, so it isn't necessarily keeping anyone in or out. What is its purpose, then? We draw nearer, anticipation building.

Eren seems to think this is where we need to be, steering us to the right and around the wall. This is what we've been waiting for. Some of us longer than others, but I truly didn't think the sea actually existed before the Cellar. It always felt like a faraway dream. A fairytale for kids that stood as a symbol of hope. It better be worth all the hype.

We slow, guiding our horses up and out onto a grassy cliff where we fan out so everyone can have a look. Our horses halt, the cliff sharply dropping off to reveal the sight before it.

And shit, there it is. Right there waiting for us this whole time. The only sound is the wind whistling against us as we take it all in.

A lump forms in my throat as I look out over the sea, thinking of all the hope and promise and fear it might elicit in each of the Scouts.

But it doesn't look like it smells like wet dog, or drowns you in salt, or whispers promises of our imminent demise.

And it isn't a grueling pit of swampy green, or an ominous black mass of unknown terror.

It is vast and shimmering, as far as the eye can see.

It is deep, and blue, and full of wisdom.

It is him.