One-Shots

Pain and Suppression

Written By: McKenzie

 McKenzie collapsed on a bench in her family's large garden. She buried her face in her hands, finally giving in to the tears that she'd been holding in for twenty minutes. She was confused and hurt and at the same time she was frustrated and disappointed with herself for feeling betrayed.

It wasn't a betrayal for him to fall for someone else.

Just, in that moment, McKenzie wanted it to be. She wanted to feel justified in hating her. She wanted to be the good guy...

But she knew she couldn't have him now and be the good guy.

Her friend, her hero, her crush wanted someone else. And the only way for McKenzie to really be the bigger person was to move on and let them be happy and not be bitter. That meant reigning in her feelings for him and getting on with her life.

Why not me? It would have been easier if it had just been me, she kept thinking, over and over in this guilty, toxic, selfish circle. She wanted to be happy, but she didn't know how to move on; how was she supposed to just turn off her heart?

Exactly that. Turn off your heart. He clearly doesn't need you, bitter brain said. She wanted to listen but she also wanted to turn it away.

The simple fact remained... his heart wasn't hers to hold and she couldn't force him to love her.

I'm too young for this anyway, she told herself. I really shouldn't care.

The problem was, she did care.

McKenzie loved hanging out with him. She loved her time with him. She loved being around him, even being in the same room as him. When they made plans to do things, she got so excited, she'd watch for him to arrive like a little kid. He got to her somehow: she looked at him and she dreamed, and she'd promised herself she'd be there for him through pitch darkness and brilliant light.

It felt like it was all melting through her fingers, burning her and dripping down so she couldn't hold it.

McKenzie curled up and buried her face in her knees, sobbing. She felt so tired and trapped; her friends all had it harder than her, her parents always just told her "it could be worse!" or "someone else has it this bad!". She felt like she didn't have anyone to talk to who would just listen anymore. Her friends all had piles of their own problems. She was the one everyone vented to, because she could always handle it, and sometimes she talked a little with him so she wouldn't get overwhelmed... but now he wouldn't have time for that. His first priority would be his new girl and McKenzie had no right to try and drag him away.

... away.

She wanted to just go away. There was just so much to deal with... she was always tired and she couldn't focus and sleeping didn't make it better and no one took her seriously and she kept looking at herself, thinking, am I depressed? Do I have anxiety? Is something wrong with me? And she'd brought it up and no one had taken her seriously. No, you're just stressed. You're making a mountain out of a molehill. You've got a great life, you've got no reason to have issues.

Maybe I shouldn't need a reason to have issues! McKenzie protested silently. Maybe life is exhausting now and I don't know what to do and I just want someone to shut it for a minute and LISTEN!

She dissolved into another bout of sobs. My friends and family don't deserve this... they're really trying, they care...

They don't have any reason to, though. I'm not really good at anything.

Or maybe I just don't want to say I am cause I'll be stuck-up then.

There's no way out. The end of the day doesn't help. There's no end to any of this and all I can do is live through it.

I can't do this anymore but I don't know how not to.

It's not always like this. I like being with my friends and free time. But so much of everything is just so gray and inescapable and like... the free time is just a temporary distraction and then I'm back to work and I can't stop it.

I feel like I'm in a tire rolling down a hill and the hill doesn't have a bottom.

McKenzie stood up and made her way deeper into the garden. She stopped a ways away from the house and leaned against a tree, slumping into another fit of sobs. She pounded her fist halfheartedly against the trunk, angry and so, so defeated and lonely. No one cared about her problems. There wasn't a source for them so they couldn't exist, in everyone else's eyes. Your friends obviously have it worse, they're in high school, they don't have as much freedom as you, they don't get the support you do. They just can't handle everything anymore, just be patient with them, your situation could be worse.

Maybe I can't handle everything anymore either, McKenzie yelled pointlessly into the depths of her brain. Maybe I want to be more than everyone's outlet for once. Maybe I want someone to notice me for once and maybe I dared think he would notice me.

I guess I was wrong.

I don't get to have weaknesses.

The brunette forced herself to get ahold of her breathing. Someone was calling her, probably someone who wanted help on homework. That McKenzie didn't mind so much; helping made her feel better sometimes. She just didn't want to sound congested while she was trying to explain stuff. She wiped away the last of the tears clinging to her chin and checked the number, then answered the phone.

"It's McKenzie, what's up?"