everything i never said

about you

i want to be honest with you and tell you the truth, i've been in love with you since last september. and i seriously keep asking myself what you even did to deserve that. love is a nice idea, but it's not one i've invented. i guess it sounds pretty dumb to say i didn't plan this, because everyone knows that already. everything about this is dumb, or should be. i can't get past my rationale. i'm not usually a rational person, but i was so confused when this started happening when i realized these feelings weren't going away, i had to use some part of my brain that wasn't entirely lost in the thought that i could like someone this much. and yet even science doesn't explain this. i couldn't count on my brain this time. it was weird because i'm only now starting to realize that it's my heart i have to listen to. (i'm also realizing that a lot of cliche things may turn out to be truer than we realize.)

i don't know what to say. i guess i've never fully thought out what i could say to you if the opportunity presented itself, or if god did us a favor and presented it, because i never imagined i'd get the chance to. that god would deliberately shut us in the same room or isolate us together with no means of escape until we'd gotten everything we wanted out of us. i was so tired before and i'm afraid now, because something's starting to happen. i can see it unfolding and i don't know where to put my hands, my eyes. i look everywhere and i see something that must relate itself to you. i don't know how else i can say i want you without looking you in the eye and turning away from you. i didn't realize i'm bad at this. i thought you were bad at this but i keep forgetting myself. every time you're near i feel strange. so good. so euphoric. and i want to turn to you but i don't even give it a thought, i turn away because i'm afraid. what if you look me in the eye? what if you come as close to me as the first day we met? what if i touch your hands, what if we look at each other and the feelings are laid bare, and it's obvious? obvious beyond repair? i couldn't bear someone i love to know i love them. what's worse is not if i say it, but if you can see it. if it's there in the way i look at you.

love and vulnerability, it's too much sometimes. maybe no one is ever really ready. maybe i want to believe i'm ready. maybe i'm a hypocrite and i don't want to be 100% ready. like when i give advice to my friends and i tell people they should be ready they should work on themselves before they involve themselves in another relationship, one that's outside themselves. it's so scary and we never think about it. what if he looks me in the eye and sees me? if he sees my desires it's the end of me. i mean if he looks at me and realizes the feelings that have grown that i've told some people about but they didn't know how much it was because they couldn't see it in my eyes? they couldn't believe me? my roommate told me that when i like a guy, i like him nonchalantly. that it's just a fact in my head. but that's the opposite of what i am because i'm just an actress and i'm so good at convincing everyone except you. why does no one see except you? you think you don't know anything about me but you feel it, and of course that's worse. you feel it instinctively as if you've known me, but you lie to yourself and ignore that knowing in your head, because you think you couldn't possibly know.

you know.

you don't trust yourself, but i'm wary of you, because i trust your intelligence more than you do. and we've hardly spoken to each other, since february. that's insane to me. i don't understand how this is lasting, when i've had feelings for you since september.

do you understand my frustration? do i understand yours. i'm constantly stuck between what's taking this so long and what the hell even is this how do i still have feelings for someone when it's been over a year i know almost nothing about them and i've only talked to them once, and, i know in my heart i'm not ready yet, i'll never be ready because i'll always find something i want to work on, i want to be more confident, though the work of confidence is infinite, i want to be stronger, braver, less judgemental, more understanding, speak my languages more, what the hell is going on. i don't know. college is not how i imagined it to be.

i'd been waiting so long for this and i don't know what i was expecting before but maybe i always believed it wouldn't ever happen. maybe that i'd spend the rest of college silently pining after this equally silent dude and we'd just keep these feelings to ourselves and eventually one of us would get over the other in another year or so by our third year, thinking this was completely and utterly hopeless because you only get to see the person you like during events and at the freaking dining hall but it doesn't make sense to drag this along so why not give up you know. and then the other one would feel a difference and feel hurt but eventually it would fizzle into nothing and this would all have been for nothing. and maybe that's what it will be still. but what's with this need of the human heart to hold on to hope until the very last possible moment? i don't understand anything around me because of you. i feel that your cruelty for others makes you more appealing to me. i don't know what that means. i want to tell you the truth but i can't look you in your face and do it. i always thought i was brave. i don't know what to do with my hands, knowing you'll touch them one day. i look around me and no one here matters. everything is pretentious and again we're back to this memory of how i thought of you before, how bitter i am, how you're better than me, how i feel you don't judge anyone, how accepting you are and how any negative traits you have are extremely attractive, and add more charm to your humanity. how do brains lie to themselves, cloud themselves like this, to make one person a god and everyone else just nothing of importance, nothing worth mentioning? how people could look you in the eye and not love you. when i've waited so long to see you and some see you every day and they don't appreciate it. they don't care, when that's all i've wanted to do. is to just look at you. to see nothing else. i need nothing else.

i'm trying to think of if there's a way to talk about someone you admire without making them a god. i've never wanted you to be perfect i've always wanted to see what you were, and maybe you didn't realize that at first, maybe you still don't get it. maybe you're the same person i talked to a few months ago. sorry i just can't believe you'd still like me with no contact, that we haven't talked since the beginning of the year and you haven't had another conversation with me, and you still want me. isn't that what i'm trying to figure out? what reasons do you have to want me still? you don't know me. do you find me pretty? that i'm half japanese? that i'm different from you, or the same? i don't get you. i don't get my thinking process either. it's been so long and i'm inside my own brain trying to figure out my reasons too. i don't know why i still like you. yes, my passions when i like someone are strong, incredibly, but they go away so quickly i never worry too much about them. i keep my feelings to myself as i always do and he'll do or say something i dislike and the feelings will go just like that. i've never cared so much, but maybe the reason i still like you is because i haven't gotten the chance to fully know you yet, and maybe the reason the feelings are still here is because there just hasn't been an opportunity for you to say something completely out of pocket where all my feelings die instantly. and maybe it's the same for you, you haven't gotten the chance to know me at all yet, and maybe there is something about me you won't end up liking, and soon we'll both just realize how much of ourselves we really wasted when that does happen. if it does. i don't know what's going on here. i also don't get why it's happening like this but ok.

it's all you, universe. the ball's in your court