Wonderful Caricature Of Intimacy [Ryan/Brendon/Dallon]

Chapter 21

Ryan

I step outside of my car and look at the building. It's a very large building with a lot of appartments. In one of them lives Gerard. I lock the car and take a deep breath when I walk towards the entrance and press on the button to call Gerard's appartment. I hope that Gerard knows that I can't hear him, and that he's not going to talk to me through the phone. But after a few seconds the door opens and I walk inside. I take the elevator to the fourth floor and then I walk over to the right appartment. Gerard already opened the door and he smiles as he sees me.

"Hi! I... sign not anymore?" he tries to sign to me and I smile. "That's okay. I can talk and read your lips as long as you're facing me." I say back. Gerard nods and lets me in. We walk over to the living room and sit down on the couch. "Do you want something to drink?" Gerard asks me then and I shake my head. "No thank you."

Gerard nods again and then he bites his lips. "Why did you want to see me?" I sigh and swallow. "I... I heard from Dallon that he met you... And after uhm...-" "-Mikey died?" "Yeah... I was afraid to contact you because I knew how broken you were. And after that I just thought it was too late. But Dallon proposed to do it anyway so... I'm sorry... Hi." I stutter. Gerard gives me a sad smile. "Hey, it's okay... You're so young, and at that time you were barely a teenager. I understand. But yeah, I was very broken at that time... You were the only one who knew... You're still the only one, actually."

"Really? You haven't told anyone?"

"No one... I don't want people to think I'm crazy..." he says then. I bite my lips and slowly reach out for him. Gerard notices and smiles, and leans in to my embrace. I wrap my arms around him and hold him close, but not too close so I can still see his face. "I actually wanted to say... Gerard if you want to talk about something you can't tell anyone else. I am here. Okay?" I say. Gerard nods gratefully. "Thank you so much Ryan... You know... it's so hard. I still miss him so much every single moment of the day. I can see why he did it, and I want to be happy that he doesn't have any problems anymore, but I wish he would've stayed... Fuck..." Gerard says and he starts to cry. "And most of the time my head screams that I should follow him. That I should kill myself, so we can be together again, but in his suicide note he asked me not to and I don't want to ignore his wish..." Gerard sobs and he presses his face against my chest. I get tears in my eyes too and hold him close. This is so sad... Too sad... And there's nothing I can do... I just rub his back and stroke his hair, and tell him it's okay.

"Is there anything I can do for you?" I ask him then and Gerard shakes his head and looks up to me. "No... Just... Be here. That's enough." he says and I nod. Fuck... So sad...

Suddenly Gerard pulls away from me and wipes away his tears. "I... Ryan. Thank you for coming but I want to be alone right now... I'm sorry. I promise I will contact you again, but I've never talked about this and talking about him is too much..." he whispers. I frown and wonder of Gerard can be left alone right now, but then I nod. He's been like this for a couple of years now.

"I'm sorry Ryan..."

"Don't be. I understand. Text me if you need me, okay?"

"I will..." Gerard says then, and he lets me out. I stare at his closed door for a few moments, but then I sigh and leave.