as he was holding onto me i realized why people considered sex to be an intimate thing. the way he wrapped his arms around me and i wrapped my arms around him and our bodies were touching i finally understood. and it hurt so much. because although i loved him with my entire heart i know it meant nothing. i know it all meant nothing. because he had done this with her while we were still together. and he didn't even respect me enough not to ask me if i wanted to do it again. if he had really cared about me we wouldn't be the closest we had ever been in that moment. it's so easy hurt someone who says yes. it's so easy to hurt someone who wants to say yes even when she knows she shouldn't. it's easy to hurt someone who does nothing but love you. it's easy to hurt someone who does nothing but love you even after you stole their heart and smashed it on the ground into a million tiny pieces to the point where it cannot be put back together. my heart has always been dropped. never smashed. always dropped. i thought i had experienced my heart
being brutally beaten and smashed into the ground into millions of pieces before. but i didn't. because i've never done this before. what i'm doing what now as you're reading this. but in the moment although i realized how intimate it was i couldn't let myself care. because then it would mean something. i would have started crying. so i didn't care. i couldn't care. i don't know if i couldn't because it was detrimental to my soul or because i just wasn't able to. i don't know if i could have cared if i tried. because he did this with her just days ago. he did this with her more than once. and felt no remorse. so i ignored how intimate it was. how intimate it was supposed to be. how intimate it once was. how i took that intimacy for granted. i ignored it. and i just let it happen. so it meant nothing. it meant nothing to him. but everything to me. because it hurt. it hurt while it was happening. it hurt after. it hurt for hours after. it hurt to sit. i bled. i. bled. it meant everything because that was the day i lost it to him. you can think whatever you want. you can say the first time we did it is when i lost it. my tears of joy during the first time would definitely say that. but the blood on my pad said otherwise. it was smart to put a pad on, although i didn't expect to be bleeding that day. i don't know why i did it with him. i know exactly why i wanted to. but i don't know why i actually did it. i don't know why he asked. i know exactly why he asked. but i don't know why he did it. "WHY?" because i didn't know when i would have sex again. i didn't want to have sex with anyone else. the truth? because i loved you. because i meant what i wrote on that note i put in the back of your poster. the poster i bought for you, because i loved you. "thank you for everything". i guess i didn't mean it. because if the word everything. but the love on the little paper, i meant that. the love i gave to you, i meant that. you can fake love, i know you can. and i don't mean you i mean people in general. but YOU yourself taught me that love can be faked. YOU yourself taught me how cruel people can be. and YOU yourself are teaching me now how much it hurts to see life move on. you changed. you changed for her. you are to this new girl everything i wanted you to be with me. so yeah, you changed. but the way you treat me didn't. it never will. no matter how much i deserve it. and that's why as you held me in your arms and i realized why sex was intimate i ignored it. and i focused on what it was. the only thing you and i should've been. a hookup.
