KIBA ; STRAY KIDS

36 ; KIBA

Our next Kingdom performance was taking place in 2 days - we had all worked hard every day to perfect even the little things. One thing I could not perfect however was this weird distance between Seungmin and I. He wouldn't even slip into my bed during the night anymore, so I recently allowed others to if they wanted.

I was kept wondering if he was ignoring me because of my injury, and if that was the reason, then it was a little stupid to ignore me for 2 weeks. I tried talking to him but all I got was blunt replies all the time.

"Seungmin." I said, trying to get his attention one last time. We were the only ones in the room before we left to film a video for Youtube.

"Hmm?"

"You talking to me yet?" I asked kind of rudely - he was making me lose patience. Why did I deserve to be ignored?

"Hmm."

"Look..." I started with a sigh, "I don't know what I did but if you tell me, I can fix it."

"You promised to not perform with your finger." He stated bluntly, his voice void of emotion. Oh, so it was the injury...

"Come on Seungmin, I'm fine and Hyunjin can't be a part of it so I will." I rolled my eyes, "It's a stupid reason to ignore me for 2 weeks."

"It's not a stupid reason!" He whisper shouted, "You promised!"

"I didn't promise not to perform." I retaliated, "I promised not to worry you, and you don't seem to worried!"

"I am worried!" Seungmin stressed.

"Yeah sure, that's why you ignored me and didn't check on me..." I sassed back, although I admit I should've just apologised to shut him up.

"God, I can't deal with you! You're such a pain." He went to walk by me, but I grabbed his wrist quickly to stop him from walking out the room.

"If I'm such a pain then maybe I should help you out..." 

"Huh?"

"We should break up." I whispered out.

It was like all the warmth in the room was sucked out. All the warmth between us disappeared within seconds. My breath was cold, and I couldn't hear Seungmin's. I let go of his wrist, and he didn't waste time in walking out the room. I could feel every happy feeling leave my body as I quietly sat down. 

The tears were there. I could feel each one drop onto my cheeks, but I was silent. Weirdly silent - contemplating whether I had just made the right choice of relieving Seungmin of myself. Was I truly a pain? Was I that hard to handle? I thought maybe I was doing good being in a relationship but perhaps not.

I was clearly more troubled than I thought. How much had Seungmin hated me throughout our relationship enough if I was such a pain? Or was I thinking too irrationally? Was this a rash decision? Was this because maybe I felt bad for being a pain?

I could feel my body grow tired, and the tears were slowly disappearing. A little bit of myself was angry, so angry I could hurt myself. Old habits were slipping into my mind - old habits which were very bad. My body moved on its own - I was covering my mouth harshly with my hand, practically sobbing into it. More tears came by like rainfall.

"Hey Kiba-ya..." A soft voice trailed out, "Kiba?"

I couldn't turn to look at Changbin hyung, I couldn't even find the strength to stop sobbing and wipe my tears. I felt soft hands on shoulders, and I turned around and put my face into Changbin's chest. All I could hear was my pathetic self-crying. All I could feel was comfort from my older brother.

"You're okay." He said softly into my hair, but I felt like everything was falling apart. I felt like I was dying.

"I fucked up." I choked out through the endless sobs.

"Then you'll work it out." He whispered back, his hand now in my long hair, "Your Kiba for god's sake."

I think I was crying into his chest for a good 5 minutes before I managed to calm down. After that, Changbin hyung didn't ask any questions and led me to the makeup artist who re-did my makeup and hair before we went onto set to film a video for the Stray Kids Youtube Channel. 

"Come on little baby." Changbin said as we held hands gently while walking into the room which was filled with cameras and stuff.

Everyone was here and the room was cute with a yellow aesthetic. I looked at Seungmin who was silent in the corner, not looking at anything in particular and then he looked up. He was serious, but his eyes were sad as he looked at me. I wondered if he could tell I had been crying or not.

All of us sat at the table, Changbin telling me to sit next to him so he could probably keep an eye on me. I appreciated his concern a lot, I was quite scared to be alone by myself. I was thankful to be near the end of the table next to Han who was the last one, but at the same time, I had a clear view of everyone. Seungmin was at the head of the table.

The video started by us clinking glasses. I tried to be as lively as possible but I was drained. I think it was pretty obvious despite my attempts to be happier. Seungmin, however, didn't need to pretend. He was making jokes and making people laugh easily - it was obvious I was just a burden to him and he was happy to be rid of me.

I wanted to cry.

We got put into teams.

Changbin, Minho, Felix and I.N. I sighed and put my head on Changbin's shoulders. He patted my head and then stood up, I watched him talk to the director quickly and they shared a few words. He came back over to me and smiled softly.

"You're with us." He spoke.

"Hyung." I kind of whined, and I hugged his arm tightly, my face buried into his neck. I couldn't tell if he knew my problem was with Seungmin or if he just wanted to care for me, but either way, I loved him for it.

The groups were taking turns to do the MBTI Personality quiz, and our group was first.