Diary

15. october 2022

Dear diary,

[My themes:Autism=ok, first love/past partner loves me again?]

You can't imagine how healthy I feel, even when my psychological comfirmed some of my diseases on thursday.

I learned that it doesn't change anything in a bad way, inly in a good way because it helps you to identify feelings, understanding you better and it helps to communicate with others way easier.

So, he said I have an adjustment disorder, autism (at least pieces) and I have/had depression (I don't feel depressed right now at all, even when everything seems to fall down right now-I love it, I feel so strong and normal atm!!)

Why are there people saying autism is worse than depression? It isn't at all, look how strong I feel after he said it to me.

Some symptoms in me are pretty strong, according to the Internet I have most of the symptoms, according to test some of them very strong and I feel totally normal and okay.

It's a superpower, some can remember little things said like 3 years ago.

I can supress the things called weird.

Other autists helped me to understand myself and showed me what I do wrong, so I learned how not to harm my energy before I knew I have autism.

Whatever, yesterday was crazy.

Do you know that my first kiss has probably also autism?

I didn't get his intentions yesterday.

tbh It hurts, I realised I still have feelings because I feel so comfortable with him. (Even though I was so angry about him at the same time)
He accepts me the way I am and I appreciate it very much, you can't imagine how much.

The crazy thing yesterday?
Well, Angel said we're on our way to form a friendship when I was with my crush (I'm very happy to hear about it!!<3) and then she told him that she knows we were in a relationship. But now it's finally out that the last time we were in a relationship she texted him and I continued.

But I was also panicking.
The reaon why?
He said in a sad voice that he also broke up with me then.
After it he asked me:,,But you're not attracted to me anymore, right?"
So I looked at him and said with a panicking voice:,,I can not tell anymore if I'm attracted to someone or not anymore. But, I think so, not in the way as before".
Angel then said:,,It's no wonder, if you hug her so often like this..."
My crush answered:,,But I do this with all my friends."
Angel:,,What about me? You never hugged me. It's also cool that people doesn't want to hug me, I'm a queen."
My crush were on his way to her and asked:,,Does my hug gets rejected?:,("
After a few seconds he got the hug, but then hugged me again.

When we went home together I waited with my cruh by the trains.

When I went on my way because I had to take the bus since there was no train for me, I asked for a hug (since my birthday he started to hug me very thight again).
We hugged me again and let his umbrella fall afer he said:,,Wait, once again but once again the right way".

I also realised on this day that I could have the relationship I want with angel as well, I feel so comfortable with her. She's taken and monogamous btw

When I was sitting in the bus I thought the song ,,I hate Everything about you" by Three Days Grace describes everything so well, I get the meaning when I fall in love with him again, but never before.

I was thinking for hours about his intentions, also before I entered the bus. Just two autists who can't express intentions right, so should I ask angel while she's Neurotypical?

Ah, it's so confusing.

Oh btw dear diary, he also called me for advise in the evening and said he would have no one esle in the moment for help. He also said thank you being on hos TikTok. Just typical autist-smthings I do as well...

Songs:

I hate Everything about You
Three Days Grace

Broken
Palaye Royale

Teenage Heartbreak Queen
Palaye Royale

♡♡♡