Diary

10.June 2023

I fall in love with a boy...
Back then, I wrote to him because he's a goth. I didn't know from the photo back then if he's a girl,
a trans-boy or whatever.
I was just happy that I found someone interested in goth culture back then. He has a lot of punk inside him as well, but also an emo side.
He joined the Emo whatsapp group for emo meetups here in Germany.
That's how I found him.

When I was in the psychward, months later, I had much more time to write with people. That's where we started to have more intense talks about psyche and spirituality.
After I got out of it after a few days,
I started to fall in love with him.

I wanted to tell him that I like him a lot. He lives very far away. Fucking 7 hours away. He said once he couldn't live in a long distance relationship. He's polyamorous and pansexual just like me.

I couldn't sleep because of the excitement and my social anxiety when I would see him the first time in real life on the Emo meet up, so I told him at idk 4am. I was also scared that I would never see him again or that I would never tell him.
He's also nocturnal as me as well, lol
He write to me that he felt the same way, so he was overwhelmed. Did I slept this night/mornig? No, this was way too unexpected. At least he got 2 hours of sleep :3

Hours later...
I was at the Emo meet up earlier and tried to finish my darkness-plushie for him. A non-binary (that's why I write  they/them) friend gave me the idea to show him that I think of him with a gift. They said I should buy him something but nah. The plushie I made turned out to look like a voodo doll but it fits him. He has also a green Voodo Keychain. (I wanted them as a child, but my mother didn't liked them but today they don't sell those anymore here :/  )
I told him I will give it to him. (Picture of the chapter).

Later, he arrived with a friend, and I just continued sewing. I was so shy, he looks so cool and in real life even more, so I became pretty nervous within seconds. He wanted to sit next to me the whole time. While we were sitting there, he told me he wanted to talk with me about the thing of yesterday when they were fewer people.  But there was a rude person who just wanted to talk to me all the time (from 1pm to 10pm ugh). And when the rude person left, we were still waiting.

Hours later...
We talked a few metres away, and he asked me if I wanted to cuddle.
Then we kissed at night because I asked him (I texted something on my phone and showed him because of my social anxiety, lmao), and I got stabbed 3 times by his spiked lip piercings hahaha
Then we cuddled this night until the evening of the next day, uwu
He also wanted to sit on a white plastic cahir instead of in front of the tree because of the many people who were around the fire. After I sat down, I sat on his lap and it was so intimate. My head was over his head and I was able to pet his shoulders abd back. We talked about how terrible the muisc became because the others started to be drunk. Now I know he hates Nightcore versions of Metal songs lol
Later we tried to sleep on the grass in the park of the meet ups first, in the very early morning but later at 5AM we were at a friends house and slept with 3 other people on a biiiig bed because we got the offer. I knew about it first because he really fall asleep. On the way to the house of this friend, we hold hands. I had to run while everyone else walked casually, him as well for sure, lol And in the train, I don't know why but I didn't felt offended when he was burping without saying sorry. He did it once when he was sitting next to me yesterday as well, lol. When we waited there, I found out he likes to make fun of people's dumb speeches and the speeches on the train as well. Honestly, I miss that.

I was too shy to tell him I wanna lay next to him.
But when someone told him he should lay over there, he said,
"But I wanna sleep next to her :("
My scoliosis made it hard in general to cuddle people, so first, I was in a position where he asked me if I could breathe, and a few seconds to minutes later, I wasn't able to anymore.
I ended up cuddling this 1.80 meter boy, hugging from behind pretty tightly with my 1.50 m.
He was shivering around three times because of his insomnia, also once while being awake at the grass where we laid. Every time he shivered, I tried to pet him to show him:"Here's someone from the outside without words." I thought I didn't sleep because I was so excited because of the cuddling with him. But once I noticed I pressed my lips on his shoulder, which scared me in a way, I thought I fell asleep. I also felt so weird when I wqs awake, I already missed him soooo much, it was more pain than happiness and I felt that he started to have the same feeling. Once he slept in a normal way (means no shivering),
I had no blanket. When he was awake again, he let me lay on his arm and kissed me two times. This time, it worked. I also went through his non-damaged hair, unlike mine, that's dyed.

A few hours later we had to walk to the train station. My
bank card didn't work when I wanted to buy the ticket, so he bought it from me. He always said I shouldn't give him the money back, but I did.
I drove with him a few stations where our ways parted with the trains. I lay on his shoulder but knew something was wrong, I asked him two times, but he said it's nothing, and I thought ,"Okay, then it should be like this and I should believe him."
We had to wait for his train, I had time. First he bought himself some drinks and asked me if I wanted something as well. I didn't. But woah, after he helped me out with the train ticket. Then we were on his gate(?) and waited for his train to arrive. He made fun of the speeches for the trains again lol
It was such a sad and depressing love, but honestly, that was the reason it was so beautiful...
No one's faking smiles or good feelings. It's honest and melancholic.
We ended up in a hug and I waited for my train to arrive.

But we're both mentally unstable people (he's borderliner and I'm highly sensitive, so we both have big problems dealing with overly strong feelings) and therefore not in a long-distance relationship because neither of us can do it emotionally ;-;

But we still into each other qwq♡

I cried two days straight and for a week now and then EVERYDAY.
Also, yesterday again, when I saw the hands of Chris Motionless,
because he reminds me a lot of him.
The headbanging, the way of behavior, style... ugh