Satan and Friends: Awkward Adventures

Episode One: Demon MIA

I sat at my ivory desk, made from the finest mammoth tusks that souls could buy, as a servant filled my wine cup with the blood of many sacrificed goats, which I might add tastes so delightful when aged in an oak cask. A knock came at my door. "Come in," I call out as I take a sip from my wine cup.

In the door came my assistant, Beelzebub, short stocky fellow, who keeps way to many insects as pets. "Greetings, Mr Satan, lord of hell, king of sin, the dragon, he who fell from-" He rambled on for the next seven minutes, naming all the names and titles I have been given over the past few thousand years. It bored me.

"-Prince of Lies, King of-"

"Yes, yes, alright Bee, that's enough, do you have my schedule for today?"

"O-of course, Mr Satan," he clapped twice and a scroll made from the flesh of the damned materialized in front of him. I took another sip as he read:

"You have a 9 o'clock with Hitler, he claims his roommate Saddam snores too much, and wishes to room with a Mr Walt Disney."

"Just shove another pineapple up his ass and hide a microphone by Saddam's bed, with speakers under Hitler's bed."

"Y-yes, of course. Well let's see, oh it looks like Carrie Fisher and her mother arrive today. Shame that, death has been a bit over zealous since the Mayan calander ended."

I found a twinge of pain at the news. I always loved the Star Wars franchise, and I know God was a huge fan, too, but to send Leia to my realm... My place of torture and despair...

"Tell Miss Fisher and her mother they have nothing to worry about, take them to the Hilton by the Lake, give them the penthouse. Under no circumstances are they to be tortured, or I will personally destroy which ever demon disobeys that order!"

"Ah excellent, I believe it will be good for morale if no one punished them. Oh and it looks like you have a meeting with God..."

I slammed a fist on my desk and stood up, "What? When?!"

Beelzebub shrunk back in fear, "F-five minutes from now, my Lord. H-he just scheduled it."

"Get out!" I roared, trying my best to keep my human form intact. Beelzebub let out a frightened yelp before running off.

"You were never a good people's person where you, Lou," came that  familiar, voice. It always sounded like the rushing of water and left a sense of awe in the air.

"Yahweh!" I said, forcing a smile. God, I hated this prick. "To what do I owe the pleasure."

"Well, I was just in the neighborhood an-"

"Look, Jehovah, I am the Prince of Lies, so let's cut the bullshit. You never visit, and when you last did we fucked over that Job guy, and I don't mean Steve."

God sighed and leaned back in his golden cedar chair. Always hated how he brought his own, every, fucking, time. "All right look, we have some kid who is praying to me for sins."

I raised an eyebrow. "Surely you mean to 'save him from sin'." I used air quotes mockingly as I said it.

"Oh, I wish I did. No, he is praying for the strength to commit the big 7... All at the same time."

My jaw dropped. I had heard about people committing all 7, but never at the same time, the logistics of it were immense, especially for a human! I stood up and refilled my wine glass. "So why does this concern me, can't you send Gabe or Mike to give this kid a talking too."

"Oh, I already sent your brothers. Alas, neither of them could convince him, and he continues to pray for it."

"So what do you want me to do?"