philophobia
afraid to tell my secrets,
to open up my heart,
afraid to let someone in
who could tear me apart.
afraid that if i try again
the results will be the same
that to me they were emotions
but to others just a game.
afraid to fall in love
b...
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this chapter is dedicated to sxndxcefor all of their lovely support which i appreciate so much
october 3, 1975 3rd pov
the days of september faded away quickly, and aquila soon found herself to be excited for the weather october would bring. she had always loved the rain, and the cold. she was comforted by it.
classes were fine, except for transfiguration, where she sat next to the boy who ruined her life all those years ago. he would look at her as if she hung the stars in the sky, and followed her around like a lost puppy.
now was one of those times. james followed in aquila's path as she strutted down the corridors with charlotte. aquila sensed this, and turned around with anger in her starry eyes.
"potter!" she snapped.
"yes, lovely?" james smiled, cheekily.
"leave! for salazar sake stop following me around and go bother your band of blood traitors!" aquila spat, leaving james to reel back, hurt by her harsh words.
charlotte sent him a glare before taking aquila's arm and turning them around before leading her into the great hall, where they were meeting felicity.
felicity was still her sunshine self, when she saw aquila, she rushed to greet her, before kissing charlotte's cheek in greeting.
"lily smiled at me and she said i looked really pretty today!" felicity gushed, her cheeks flooding red and leaving her to stare at the redhead sitting at the gryffindor table, who felt her stare and turned to smile and wave at her.
felicity melted like a marshmallow, and aquila laughed at her tiny friend.
"well, she's right. you look beautiful, love." aquila looked down at her and smiled at the girl who perked up and stared into the taller girl's eyes.
"really? i figured since it was cold outside i could start wearing my sweaters! you think?" felicity spouted, before rambling about the weather.
aquila watched the girl before pulling her into her side and taking her to the slytherin table where they sat to have lunch, regulus joining them after coming from quidditch practice. aurelie and amos were off doing merlin knows what, but they were happy, and that's all that mattered to aquila.
felicity went on and on about whatever came to mind, and the girls plus regulus listened with their attention solely focused on her.
~~~~~~~~~~
aquila had one of her own dark green jumpers in the late hours of another sleepless night, sitting on the shore, looking out across the black lake, watching as the raindrops made splashes when meeting the surface of it.
her dark thoughts had once again returned and made her wonder why exactly she was the subject of all the night sky's problems. why the constellations chose to make her miserable and take away her happiness.
it made her wonder why she existed, if not for their twisted pleasure. why she couldn't have anything go her way.
the topic of her father came to mind. a sore topic.
she loved him with everything in her, but he didn't return that love, and in turn, left her broken.
she remembered a time when her father did love her, when he protected her from the world, when he would tuck her into bed at night and check under the bed and in the closet for the "monsters" she insisted were hiding.
tears brought themselves to the surface and she laid back onto the wet grass, letting the raindrops mix with her salty tears as she wished for nothing but her end.
she wanted nothing more than to die.
but she couldn't do that, it would be selfish, and she wasn't selfish. she would leave regulus by himself, and the girls would be broken, but those were the only people she had, or the only people that would care.
if she were to die in that moment, she would only have six people to mourn her. and that was enough for her to feel horrible about even thinking about death.
she stayed as a victim to the rain, thinking about everything in her life that went wrong.
she didn't know, however, that her father was reading one of the letters she had sent him, and was in her room, crying to himself, wishing for nothing more than to have his baby back in his arms, safe, and loved, but he couldn't. he had ruined everything, and she was now too far gone.
~~~~~~~~~~
the rain hadn't stopped the next day when the marauders awoke to papers flying around the room, and being sprayed by cold wetness coming from the window. the window that they had forgotten to close before they fell asleep.
and now they were facing consequences, as they were being attacked by the rain, which was blowing into their dorm by the power of the wind.
"close the window!" sirius screamed, dramatically, sheilding his head, "my hair, my poor hair!!!"
"bloody hell! it's cold!" james cried, while hiding under his blankets, which were soaking wet, and only making him more cold.
peter was still asleep, not allowing the screaming to awake him from his slumber, this was too frequent to have any effect on him.
"stop standing there and do something, you idiots!" remus growled, before sirius grabbed him and used him as a shield.
"AHHHHH!"
the students in gryffindor tower were very concerned when hearing a loud-pitched scream come from the marauders dorm, and frank face-palmed. the idiots. frank made his way up the stairs and opened the door to find james and sirius screaming at the top of their lungs, while remus was wide-eyed and frozen, sirius literally climbing him, and peter snoring away, peacefully. his eyes set onto a snowy owl that had flew into the room and landed on the bed, the reason of the screaming.
frank sighed and made his way to the open window, slammed it shut and locked it, and turned to find james and sirius still screaming, only to stop when frank called the owl to him and went to go give alice her owl, who had taken refuge from the storm in the wrong dorm. he returned a few moments later and stared at them, while they stared back at him, awkwardly. sirius then rushed to the mirror and started crying over his hair, while james went to take a hot shower, and remus face-palmed and casted drying charms on their beds, and frank casted a cleaning charm, which returned their papers to their original positions.
"i'm going to assume you have this under control." frank laughed, patting remus on his shoulder, and making his way out of the dorm, back to his girlfriend.
~~~~~~~~~~
aquila had received a letter. not just any letter, a letter from her father. the same man she had cried over last night.
the words encased said:
dear princess, i'm so sorry. i'm sorry for everything, but it was to protect you, you have to believe me. i love you. love, papa
she stared at the letter in her palms and couldn't do anything. she froze, only to be found by regulus in the common room. he took the letter out of her hands and looked over it's contents before pulling her into a hug and taking her to her dorm, where they laid on her bed, and he read little women to her, while she dozed off, and got some sleep, that she couldn't find the day before.
the only thought on her mind? her father said he loved her, but she didn't believe him.
~~~~~~~~~~
published: 22 october 2022 edited: 14 november 2023
