Outside where i live

Never that Guy!!!

I always wanted to fit in in this world. But here I am thinking if there was any place i actually belonged. All i have done up until now is to figure out what is my rightful place in society. I have imagined my life as a beggar, as a middleclass slave to the system, a poor guy living on day to day wage, a guy who faced all the struggles in his life and is still persevering, still having a fight, losing everything and then making it big. But now I realize does it matter. My cynical attitude has taken over me in some way. I want control but I keep losing it. Like money, It never stays with me. I don't earn much, Earn around 22000 indian rupees. I live from one pay check to another. I feel I am atleast better than most people around me. I have a narcissistic attitude where i think I am an undiscovered gem in the a coal mine. I forget that even coal has role to play and it could generate thousand watts of electricity. Even if you are a gem that does not make coal unvaluable. The problem with confidence is that you never know quite the line. I do fake my competency. I do feel like i am an impostor thinking that i could have some effect on people's life. I could help them when I could barely help my self.  I am Never that guy. The young dashing,  hunky chunky, money , people roaming around him like mad. I am never that. I need that I know i crave that. It's like I have an unstopping monologue. Every though has a counter thought with its valid perspective. Once I understand the perspective i lose all the hate for the one who is against me. I understand where they are coming from. I keep searching for something once in a while. I have no Idea what i am searching for. It's weird. To be honest, may be I am searching for adventure. Some thing that can shook me to my core. But these experiences have find their value in the rarity of life. They are not daily occurrences. But I do have dark thoughts to destroy or harm the people just for fun. Then I realize that its nice to acknowledge that you have these tendencies. But what can be done. You cannot satisfy. I have that right now I am ineffectual. But some that I would have that integrated in my. Success seems to be far away. But yes I know that it's a journey. I don't decline that. But it's just that this feeling of sadness that surrounds me. I an just trying to find a way out of it. May be my mind's playing tricks on me. I am not sure. But here I am just guy who wants what's best for himself. Lately I am like my first priority. I have seen that I do feel like I am becoming selfish. I do feel that at any day i might turn dark. A Bad person. A person who just doesn't care. Who keeps doing what he thinks is right, since he knows everything and would never back down even though there are people around him who know better. But the plan is set. Some day I'll disappear just for the fun of it.