DEAD TO ME [tartaglia]

008 - THE MOON

8 YEARS EARLIER
+p midnight rain - taylor swift

THE TIDE MOVES for the moon, restless and unrelenting as a result of the moon's gravitational pull. Without the moon, tides are much smaller and far weaker, harming the life that lives inside it.

It was a quiet Thursday morning at the academy when Childe caught a glimpse of you, in all your serene beauty, brows furrowed as you discussed the school paper with your clubmate through that window that gave onlookers a good view of your workspace. Your coworker, who he assumed responsible for editing the paper, was hunched over a computer as you calmly directed what went where with one hand fanning your face and the other one tugging at your uniform.

You look your best when you're focused, he couldn't help but think. He also couldn't help himself as he made long strides towards the club room and knocked on the entrance with a warm coffee in his hand. Upon opening the door, he whistled, leaning on the doorway to catch your attention. And when you looked back at him and smiled ever so slightly at the sight of your best friend, he swore that you might have your very own gravitational pull, and that he just might be the tides that move so relentlessly to reach the moon.

An absurd analogy to make at the young age of sixteen, but he didn't mind one bit. Especially not when you were longingly eyeing the coffee in his hands before waving away your editor, mumbling something along the lines of 'go take a break' and patting the open seat beside you just for him.

Your tide happily obliged, and in no time it was just the two of you in that electric-fanned room, basking in the heat of the summer that was only a few more weeks away. At that moment, Childe recalls only hearing the clicking of your mouse, the writing noise of the pen he used to start his essay was in no doubt due the same day, and the continuous sound of his heartbeat.

"You've been eyeing my coffee since I got here." He hummed at you, finally breaking the comfortable silence as he carefully watched your face flush from embarrassment.

"I was just-"

"You can have it, I haven't touched it yet." He tried to reply boredly, chin resting on his palm as he scribbled on a pad of paper he pulled from his backpack. When in truth, he felt his heart swell when you gave him a toothy smile, chirping a 'Thank you!' and pinching his cheek you went back to your work.

It's not like he bought that coffee for himself in the first place anyways- It was always meant for you.

—————

"He loves you, you know." Keqing, who had just come back from her break, hummed, having long been back to her work on the computer.

"No he doesn't." You frowned, and your editor only gave you a look before the mouse-clicking continued. Childe? Loving you? Back then, it sounded like a concept hailing from another universe entirely. Though despite your resistance to her claim, you found yourself lost in thought as you looked down at the coffee in your grasp. "..What makes you think so?"

Keqing opted to lean back on her chair, stretching her arms above her as she thought about her answer. "Hmm, how long have we been friends for?"

"You and me?" You raised your brows, and she nodded. "About.. two years?"

"I've been hanging around you since we were fourteen, and he still doesn't know my name." You almost gasped. "He knows your name!" You countered, but looking back, you were only really convincing yourself. Because it was true that in all the times that Childe went up to you that year, giving you subtle gifts and shooting you honeyed words, he never once asked for the name of the girl that was in your company constantly.

"I'm just saying when that guy sets eyes on you, you're the only thing his eyes can register is in his sight." She snorted, and you remember feeling your cheeks heat up immensely.

"..Back to work." You mumbled, and Keqing only grinned at you before finishing up the school paper's layout.

You don't think you were happy like most girls would have been, not even a little bit. Instead, a pit formed at the bottom of your stomach. If he really did love you, how would he take the news of your engagement? You didn't want to find out, so you watched as your window view from inside the clubroom went from the vivid greens of summer to the cool tones of winter, and to the point where the guilt inside you grew larger and larger until everything you wanted to say burst out from inside you that one december night.

Childe recalls how the snow fell after you and him got off of your extracurriculars late, wafting through the cold air before landing in both your hairs. You continually shook the snow from yourself, but he paid it no mind as you waited for your rides in complete silence.

No words were exchanged, but the feeling— no, knowledge that you so desperately wanted to get something off of your chest made him nervous. He imagined every possible thing you wanted to talk to him about, but nothing even came close to what you said to him.

"My dad got me engaged." You finally admitted, and he could only freeze. "They want the wedding to push through by the time I'm twenty one."

He knew it was only a matter of time before you got engaged, and he knew it would never be him, so only he was to blame for the sinking feeling in his gut. What expression was he even making? Was he frowning? Did he look as stunned as he felt? He wanted nothing more but to smile at his best friend and tell her a proper congratulations, but he only stood there, wrecked and abandoned. Today, Childe still can't quite tell the expression he made when you told him the news.

Say something. Say something, damn it.

"Congratulations." He smiled, so widely it was like he never felt anything for you.

He loved you, didn't he? Keqing said so. But when he turned to you with such a smile, you were swayed to think that everything was just one big misunderstanding, and you were glad.

You smiled back, and you were picked up by your ride shortly after. And as you rode away, you couldn't help but peer at Childe through the tinted window, watching his figure, head hung low grow smaller and smaller the further away from him you got.

You wonder what would've happened if you ran out of the car, embraced him and tearfully admitted that you wanted to do anything but get married. And he wonders what would've happened if he had just chased after you and told you he'd been in love with you since you were kids.

That night marked the night you let your life get away from you, and the night of what he believes to be his most crushing heartbreak took place.